Image: Natalie Drepina
“I’m a free spirit who never had the balls to be free.”
Life has been handing out the blows lately, and it has caused me to detour from my set path. I am not the type of person who can take things day by day, a bit of a control freak, and I need to have things mapped out in order to feel comfortable amid the Chaos. I also am a Cancer, and we tend to like things in our personal lives, and environment to be something we have control over.
I have no control right now though, none. I am just spinning round, and round, and round some more.
There was the death in my family last week, followed by me dodging a proverbial bullet with my career, and I am being bombarded with people seeking help. I have no problem helping people, the problem is just that; I want to help everyone, and forget about myself.
I allowed myself to slip through the cracks while I was helping everyone else.
After seriously straying from my daily routine this week, plus falling victim to many random happenings, I needed to take today and have it be a day for me. It started out a little rocky because I am passing, or dealing with, a kidney stone. I have had that sucker living inside my left kidney for almost 2 years, and it picks this week, of all weeks, to be a bastard. It’s ok though, nothing I can’t handle, just venting about the poor timing.
So, after a bit of time being distracted by the news, and my phone, Facebook in general, I put my phone on silent and decided I was going to watch a movie. I turned to the movie channel, and almost without thought I scroll down to the movie ‘Wild’ starring Reese Witherspoon.
I love movies, I have always loved movies—all genres. I don’t know if it is because I am artist so I appreciate all artistic mediums or if I just really like to spend two hours of my life watching a story be told on the screen. I have no genre I like more than another, although I am a bit partial to horror and old black and white films. How weird, right?
Since I saw the previews of this movie, Wild, last year I have said I needed to watch it. For one reason or another, every time I sat down to do just that something came up or something stopped me from being able to take time away. Today was the day, and the timing was ever so perfect.
On top of being off my routine, the cosmic energy in the air pummeling me, and my health, I had a nasty run in with some dude over the fact that I said a fallen Angel could be a guardian. I won’t even give that whole situation the attention he wants. I had a huge blowout with a close friend, and life just seems to be changing and stagnant at the same time.
How is that? How is it that the rug feels like it has been ripped from under me but I still feel suffocated?
When I am sick like this my mind becomes even more of an enemy of mine because I can’t fight it, I can’t channel my insanity into creative energy. This movie was the perfect distraction.
If you are unfamiliar with the film it is about a young woman who after living a tormented life has decided the only way to get her shit together was to “walk back to wild”. She choose the Pacific Crest Trail, which is a hike that goes from the Mexican border all the way up to the Canadian border. It is a story, true story at that, told over a 3 month time frame.
It took a little adjusting for me to get into the movie, but once I was hooked I began a deep descent into a well of epiphanies.
The first quote to hit me like a brick to the face was a poem called ‘Power’ by Adrienne Rich:
‘Living in the earth-deposits of our history
Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth
one bottle amber perfect a hundred-year-old
cure for fever or melancholy a tonic
for living on this earth in the winters of this climate
Today I was reading about Marie Curie
she must have known she suffered from radiation sickness
her body bombarded for years by the element
she had purified
It seems she denied to the end
the source of the cataracts on her eyes
the cracked and suppurating skin of her finger-ends
till she could no longer hold a test-tube or a pencil
She died a famous woman denying
her wounds came from the same source as her power’
Read that part again, “She died a famous woman denying her wounds, denying her wounds came from the same source as her power”.
It was like my ears had perked, suddenly I had to listen, and I couldn’t look away. I knew there was a lesson to be learned in this movie.
A few scenes later another amazing little quote jumped out at me, “You gotta find your best self and hold onto it.”
We search this whole planet our whole lives to be a version of ourselves that a majority of the time is not true to who we are. Even when we think we are being true to ourselves, we aren’t. Society tells us that we are not to be different, or stand out, that forces you outside of the herd.
I guess for a wolf like me being outside of the herd is exactly where I belong.
I sat and watched this movie, and reflected on my own life. It hit me suddenly and it came out in a cleansing cry, it was like a whisper in my ear saying…
“No one is killing you but yourself.”
I start projects and don’t finish them, I get motivated then get sidetracked only to come back to it at a later date. I make a decision and fail to stick with it because my heart is as deep as an ocean, and I feel everything to the bottom of it. I fear making decisions so much that I will try to avoid them altogether; even betraying myself. I allow love to be my Master, and dominant me even when I should be begging for mercy.
I know all there is to know about myself, and because of this knowing of Self I know that I am also a magnificent, beautiful, intelligent being who is going to succeed no matter how many pitfalls I stumble upon, or how many rocks are thrown. I was built for this, and succeed I will.
I have talked about my need to get back to my Wild before, but now it has become a dire situation, I must find my Wild because the alternative—well, there isn’t one. I refuse to be tamed by a society that considers me a black sheep no matter what I do.
Don’t let them tame you.
I will leave you with the quote from the movie ending…
“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I’d done something I shouldn’t have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I’d done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do anything differently than I had done? What if I’d actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn’t have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed?
What if I already was?
How wild it was, to let it be.”