LESSONS IN MAGICK: When Nothing Goes Right, Go Left

Left

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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.”

Robert Frost

I am a walker of the Left Hand Path and my Philosophy is Luciferianism, but I also consider myself to be a deeply Spiritual person.

People seem shocked, almost offended when I discuss how Spiritual I am, and how much that Spirituality shapes myself, my life and my Magick; sometimes maybe even more so than my Luciferian Philosophy.

For me, the two ideologies are not mutually exclusive, and this is important for people to understand; usually when they think of LHP practitioners they automatically think of Satanists who can’t control their mouths and are trolls online (I would doubt if some of these fine examples of Satanism are in fact Satanist at all).

There are many Philosophies on the LHP other than Luciferianism and Satanism, this is another key point.

Just like Witches, there is no “one way” for those of us who walk the LHP to practice, or look, or live for that matter; we are all individuals with our own lives, desires, goals, and ideas of how the world (and our world) works.

Part of the allure of this path is that we can make it whatever we want it to be.

I have long incorporated aspects of Hinduism into my Magick, and daily practices of ritual and life; Meditation, and Yoga are just some of the ways that Eastern Philosophy and tradition have influenced me.

I have discovered the power of herbal teas, plant allies and vegetarianism along my journey because of their important roles in Ayurvedic traditions and Chinese Medicine.

Tai Chi has also been paramount in battling anxiety, agoraphobia and chronic pain; not to mention it teaches me how to be both soft and strong; something society tells us is impossible.

As much as I strive for individual sovereignty I am aware of the collective conscious and unconscious; the concepts of duality and polarity, too. I am also well versed in the idea of oneness, or unity (though I sometimes struggle with being part of the whole because it feels at times that it totally negates the validity of my individual experience.)

Because I am Spiritual I find myself running along side an array of people, and I am open and accepting to everyone I meet, mostly because of the utter fascination I have for all beliefs, especially ones different than mine.

I can’t say I have been met with this same acceptance though.

In many Spiritual circles being a Witch is hit or miss—meaning, you don’t know if you will be accepted until the moment arrives. The kinds of Witches accepted are usually Wiccan, or the RHP “love and light, healer only” type and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this type of Witch or practice, but it’s not the only way.

Once people within the Spiritual, less Witchy communities hear that I am a Luciferian they kinda just shut me out and dismiss me; I don’t know why it still shocks me, but it does, every single time it happens.

On the flip side I find many within the LHP community who think I am too Spiritual, or “not Luciferian enough” and they, too dismiss me.

The resistance and backlash that I have faced is one of the main reasons I am so open with my beliefs but also why I felt it necessary to start NR; there was no place that would accept me, so I created that place.

As an outsider to these communities I am blessed with the gift of perspective, and from my perspective all I see is irony.

How are these Spiritual folks teaching aka picking and choosing which lessons suit their own agenda and narrative of Buddhism (as just one example) but don’t understand how at the bare bones of it all Buddhism is, in many regards, a LHP Philosophy, or at least a dual Philosophy?

I know that Buddhists don’t believe in an individual self, which goes against the core teachings of most LHP traditions: Self-Deification.

Let’s put that aside for a minute though.

The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism are: the truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of suffering, the truth of the end of suffering, and the truth of the path that leads to the end of suffering. (Note: Suffering also known as Dukkha.)

Buddhism is about understanding suffering which is how I would describe the human condition: we are meant to suffer for only through suffering do we fully understand.

Only through experience do we know.

Those of us who walk the LHP don’t want any books of “holy words” telling us how to live our lives, or fear mongering; we want/need to experience life, the highs and lows, for ourselves.

Isn’t that why we chose the path less traveled and one of most reward?

We want and need to experience all that is earthly, taboo, macabre and carnal.

Ripple

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One last point about Buddhism, they believe in Karma, and Karmic debt but Karma merely means action.

Buddhists tend to believe that Karma is NOT preordained fate, or destiny but more about the actions we carry out in this life, and how in the long run they can affect us.

I know, many of you are thinking, well isn’t that consequence?

No.

Are we on the LHP free from consequence?

No.

We believe we are free from Divine Retribution, which is not the same as consequence.

Consequence is a Universal Law attached to no God, Goddess or Deity; it’s cause and effect. Think of it like I do, Newton’s Third Law.

An excerpt from one of the links at the bottom says, “If you lie, steal and kill it will eventually bring about unhappiness”.

Well, isn’t this true for anyone who has any kind of moral conscience?

The LHP is not a lack of moral conscience, but more so the idea that we are able to calibrate our morality how we see fit as individuals.

Also, how are these Spiritual folks teaching about Hinduism but negating the fact that every Deity in the Pantheon has two sides (or more), one of Shadow and one of Light to be whole?

For example, Kali is the dark side, and/or wrathful side of Parvarti; who both represent the Feminine Divine Principle known as Shakti.

Other stories tell of Kali being birthed from Durga, regardless she is darkness and justified rage embodied.

“One version relates to when the warrior goddess Durga, who had ten arms each carrying a weapon and who rode a lion or tiger in battle, fought with Mahishasura (or Mahisa), the buffalo demon. Durga became so enraged that her anger burst from her forehead in the form of Kali. Once born, the black goddess went wild and ate all the demons she came across, stringing their heads on a chain which she wore around her neck. It seemed impossible to calm Kali’s bloody attacks, which now extended to any wrongdoers, and both people and gods were at a loss what to do. Fortunately, the mighty Shiva stopped Kali’s destructive rampage by lying down in her path, and when the goddess realized just who she was standing on, she finally calmed down. From this story it’s explained Kali’s association with battlegrounds and areas where cremation is carried out.

“In another version of the goddess’ birth, Kali appeared when Parvati shed her dark skin which then became Kali, hence one of her names is Kaushika (the Sheath), whilst Parvati is left as Gauri (the Fair One). This story emphasizes Kali’s blackness which is symbolic of eternal darkness and which has the potential to both destroy and create.” Source

The last line is most important, for me: “This story emphasizes Kali’s blackness which is symbolic with eternal darkness and which has the potential to both destroy and create.”

She is both Monster and Mother, as we all should be, as we all are.

Those who cannot curse, cannot cure.

Those who cannot create, cannot destroy.

Duality

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Instead of teaching only love and light, or only death and darkness, maybe we should be focused on discussing both; realizing we are all both.

There is no escaping it.

We also have an entire group of people, in both the Spiritual and Witch communities that no matter how many times it’s addressed, they equate dark to black and light to white; Magick itself is a spectrum.

Both LHP and RHP have dark and light aspects to them that have nothing to do with the form of Magick you practice, or the Philosophy you hold; in my opinion, you must be able to stand in the dark if you want to stand in the light—balance is our goal, no matter what our path is.

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.” C.G Jung

You can’t build up one aspect of yourself while completely demeaning the other, opposite yet parallel aspect; you can’t romanticize one, and demonize the other; you can’t favor one while suppressing (even denying) the other.

That is why any path that does not allow room for my whole self to exist; a Self that’s full of shadows, darkness and light is no path for me.

The LHP is the obvious path to attain my goal of enlightenment.

Dare I say, it’s the one true path.

All other paths serve their purpose but in my opinion, they also serve watered down bullshit.

I have been told my whole life to water myself down, to lessen my potency, to take up less space; I am unwilling to follow a path that tells/demands/commands me to do the same.

I am darkness, I am light, I am shadow, and all that’s in between.

I refuse to be anything other than everything.

Resources:

http://www.pbs.org/edens/thailand/buddhism.htm

https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/15227975

https://thebuddhistcentre.com/text/four-noble-truths

Lesson from the Light

Tomaas

Image: TOMAAS

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

Brené Brown


I had taken yesterday off mostly because the group kept me really busy, and rather entertained, but also because I needed to do some things for myself; those things included stopping at my local Witch shop to get some supplies and crystals; I don’t often go up to the shop (it is about 30 minutes from me) but yesterday I had a calling to go, and so by myself I went.

That was a huge deal for me, to go by myself, and then to add to the hugeness of it all, I stopped at the craft store on my way home to get some jewelry supplies. It was a day for me, a day doing things that make me and my Soul happy, who cares if wire, glass viles, herbs and rocks are what make me content.

I even broke two toes on my way out the door yesterday, I taped them together, put closed toed ballet flats on, and made myself go. Obviously not the wisest decision I ever made, but man was I so proud of myself for this little accomplishment. I often get so caught up focusing on the big accomplishments and goals that I completely miss the everyday small milestones I hit.

Before I had left there were a few comments going back and forth in the group about the Shadow self (which influenced my Jung post on NR last night) and how one needs to face it, accept it, and incorporate it into the whole, or we lose out on a big part of this experience.

It was also mentioned how the shadow self can become violent, and can endanger your wellbeing, and sometimes others if not addressed. If you try to repress it, and it is ready to rise there will be a major internal conflict that is sure to boil over at some point.

In the car ride, which besides the shower is where I do some of my best thinking, I started pondering my own journey with my shadow self, and it hit me, it hit me hard…I have always had my shadow, but never my light.

I push the light away like the plague. It is almost like kryptonite to me, it makes me feel weak to be happy and carefree. I wonder what Jung would say? I wonder what Freud would say? What trigger, or moment in life caused such a fucked up mentality?

I have always been like this, looking back at childhood pictures (and there aren’t many) I notice I was always scowling; now at such a young age, with my flawless alabaster skin have a deep set crease line directly in the center of my eyebrows. I am proud of that “scowl line”—I prefer to call it my thinking line.

I am always lost in thought, always have been.

No matter what the cause though, no matter the trigger and if it is from this life or previous ones, a collection of all even, this is my current reality. I am not some miserable person though, I laugh, and crack jokes; people often say to me, “I didn’t expect you to be so funny.” I don’t know how to take that, so I smile and say thank you.

I admit I am moody, I change day to day, hour to hour, a ticking bomb most times but to know that about me is to love me because that IS me. I feel that being me, and my authentic Self, shouldn’t affect my happiness, and at times the lack of light does. Obviously.

I mean this quite literally, too, I push the light of love, joy, happiness, peace, spontaneity, lighthearted fun– I don’t ever let myself have fun! I take the world so seriously, too seriously, and I always, always have.

I blame some of it on the fact that I am awake and aware, so it is hard to see “glitter and rainbows” but the fact is, no matter how dark life gets (and mine has been very, very dark at times) there is always beauty, joy, fulfillment etc. in SOME aspect, it may not be perfect, it may not be a smooth ride, but if you look close enough the light is always there, waiting to be acknowledged. Once you tap into the light it multiplies, it grows, it’s an all-consuming presence, which is probably why it scares me so much.

I sometimes equate my darkness, my shadow to my badassery, a hang up I have, I guess.

I fear the light, to be honest, and when I find myself getting caught up or lost in those “light moments in life” I switch it off, put my defenses up, and reject the feeling. If the situation involves someone else, I will pick a fight so that they can’t love me, so that they can’t give me that feeling of (insert emotion here).

Major fucking self-realization.

I can’t change who I am, but I can become more aware and be mindful of those moments when they come because they are ever fleeting. I have to let the light in, or I am an unbalanced, incomplete being.

My mind, heart and soul heavy with shadow remind me daily that this mortal coil dies every second, so it is of the utmost importance to live every moment.

A lesson I need to put into practice.

Let It Be

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Image: Natalie Drepina

“I’m a free spirit who never had the balls to be free.”

Cheryl Strayed


Life has been handing out the blows lately, and it has caused me to detour from my set path. I am not the type of person who can take things day by day, a bit of a control freak, and I need to have things mapped out in order to feel comfortable amid the Chaos. I also am a Cancer, and we tend to like things in our personal lives, and environment to be something we have control over.

I have no control right now though, none. I am just spinning round, and round, and round some more.

There was the death in my family last week, followed by me dodging a proverbial bullet with my career, and I am being bombarded with people seeking help. I have no problem helping people, the problem is just that; I want to help everyone, and forget about myself.

I allowed myself to slip through the cracks while I was helping everyone else.

After seriously straying from my daily routine this week, plus falling victim to many random happenings, I needed to take today and have it be a day for me. It started out a little rocky because I am passing, or dealing with, a kidney stone. I have had that sucker living inside my left kidney for almost 2 years, and it picks this week, of all weeks, to be a bastard. It’s ok though, nothing I can’t handle, just venting about the poor timing.

Carrying on…

So, after a bit of time being distracted by the news, and my phone, Facebook in general, I put my phone on silent and decided I was going to watch a movie. I turned to the movie channel, and almost without thought I scroll down to the movie ‘Wild’ starring Reese Witherspoon.

I love movies, I have always loved movies—all genres. I don’t know if it is because I am artist so I appreciate all artistic mediums or if I just really like to spend two hours of my life watching a story be told on the screen. I have no genre I like more than another, although I am a bit partial to horror and old black and white films. How weird, right?

Since I saw the previews of this movie, Wild, last year I have said I needed to watch it. For one reason or another, every time I sat down to do just that something came up or something stopped me from being able to take time away. Today was the day, and the timing was ever so perfect.

On top of being off my routine, the cosmic energy in the air pummeling me, and my health, I had a nasty run in with some dude over the fact that I said a fallen Angel could be a guardian. I won’t even give that whole situation the attention he wants. I had a huge blowout with a close friend, and life just seems to be changing and stagnant at the same time.

How is that? How is it that the rug feels like it has been ripped from under me but I still feel suffocated?

When I am sick like this my mind becomes even more of an enemy of mine because I can’t fight it, I can’t channel my insanity into creative energy. This movie was the perfect distraction.

If you are unfamiliar with the film it is about a young woman who after living a tormented life has decided the only way to get her shit together was to “walk back to wild”. She choose the Pacific Crest Trail, which is a hike that goes from the Mexican border all the way up to the Canadian border. It is a story, true story at that, told over a 3 month time frame.

It took a little adjusting for me to get into the movie, but once I was hooked I began a deep descent into a well of epiphanies.

The first quote to hit me like a brick to the face was a poem called ‘Power’ by Adrienne Rich:

‘Living in the earth-deposits of our history

Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth

one bottle amber perfect a hundred-year-old

cure for fever or melancholy a tonic

for living on this earth in the winters of this climate

Today I was reading about Marie Curie

she must have known she suffered from radiation sickness

her body bombarded for years by the element

she had purified

It seems she denied to the end

the source of the cataracts on her eyes

the cracked and suppurating skin of her finger-ends

till she could no longer hold a test-tube or a pencil

She died a famous woman denying

her wounds

denying

her wounds came from the same source as her power’

Read that part again, “She died a famous woman denying her wounds, denying her wounds came from the same source as her power”.

It was like my ears had perked, suddenly I had to listen, and I couldn’t look away. I knew there was a lesson to be learned in this movie.

A few scenes later another amazing little quote jumped out at me, “You gotta find your best self and hold onto it.”

We search this whole planet our whole lives to be a version of ourselves that a majority of the time is not true to who we are. Even when we think we are being true to ourselves, we aren’t. Society tells us that we are not to be different, or stand out, that forces you outside of the herd.

I guess for a wolf like me being outside of the herd is exactly where I belong.

I sat and watched this movie, and reflected on my own life. It hit me suddenly and it came out in a cleansing cry, it was like a whisper in my ear saying…

“No one is killing you but yourself.”

I start projects and don’t finish them, I get motivated then get sidetracked only to come back to it at a later date. I make a decision and fail to stick with it because my heart is as deep as an ocean, and I feel everything to the bottom of it.  I fear making decisions so much that I will try to avoid them altogether; even betraying myself. I allow love to be my Master, and dominant me even when I should be begging for mercy.

I know all there is to know about myself, and because of this knowing of Self I know that I am also a magnificent, beautiful, intelligent being who is going to succeed no matter how many pitfalls I stumble upon, or how many rocks are thrown. I was built for this, and succeed I will.

I have talked about my need to get back to my Wild before, but now it has become a dire situation, I must find my Wild because the alternative—well, there isn’t one. I refuse to be tamed by a society that considers me a black sheep no matter what I do.

Don’t let them tame you.

I will leave you with the quote from the movie ending…

“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I’d done something I shouldn’t have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I’d done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do anything differently than I had done? What if I’d actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn’t have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed?

What if I already was?

How wild it was, to let it be.”

In-To-Me-I-See (Intimacy)

Celebrations of Sensuality by Artfold

Image: Dani Fehr (ArtofDan)

“It is when you lose sight of yourself, that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon.”

C.JoyBell C.


Last week’s full moon in Capricorn has completely shifted my life, in every way possible. I normally am effected in a negative way during this time of the month, which I call my “lunar menses”. I guess since I no longer have my period, the Universe had to give me something to fill the void. This time around though I was reflective, introverted and blocked. As I sit here and write this I am still battling to break through the blockage. Only a writer will understand what it’s like to battle with oneself, a conflict that is never ending but without it, we die.

I think we all can benefit from moments of self-reflection, only when we see ourselves clearly can we begin to see anyone else. I have always seen myself, I have always seen who I was and who I wanted to be, I never needed definition, or approval from others; I have always been self-sufficient.  In recent months I have lost my independence, my sass, my attitude, my voice, my heart, my passion..

I lost myself. I lost the very traits that make me, me.

I lose myself when I become comfortable, when I neurotically attempt to control the chaos. Nothing good has ever come from being comfortable, though; a motto I once held in life, in love, in sex, in my career, everything. That piece of me seems to have drifted off into some netherworld, and I so desperately need to get it back.

I had an epiphany of sorts on Monday, and it was in a vulnerable moment in the bathroom, after my shower that I realized I needed to find myself, and it was becoming an urgent matter. I have to take the leap off the cliff and trust in myself, and my wings, to get me to my next destination in life. I thought I had everything planned out, but it looks like I am going to be rerouting my path.

I had taken a hot shower because my Kundalini was acting up, as it has been doing for a few weeks. It was business as usual: get out of the shower, wrap my hair in one towel and the other to dry myself off and wrap around me while I do whatever else needs to be done. Sounds harmless enough, normal enough, right?

Except the towel began to fall, in my bathroom, where only I was, in a house where it was only me, and I grabbed that towel like my life depended on it.

What the fuck?

The thing is, I am not a prude, a naked body does not bother me; my naked body does not bother me, hell, I sleep naked. Something else was going on here, and I was going to get to the bottom of it.

After I had done my little kung fu move to avoid facing my nakedness, I purposely dropped my towel and I stood there in the mirror and forced myself to look at my naked body, a body that has been through so, so much.

I sat there and traced my scars, and caressed my imperfections, I got a good look at the ink on my skin that I never pay enough attention to, and then I forced myself to look deep within.

The tears began to fall, and they fell with a vengeance. I was full on “ugly cry” in my bathroom within a few minutes.

How could this have happened? How did it happen? What was I going to do to change it?

The answer is I didn’t lose myself on the account of anyone else, I lost myself because I was too caught up dealing with everyone else, along with the problems of the world that I forgot to deal with me. I disobeyed my number rule, which is to always self-preserve.

It’s easy to blame other people, but I can only blame myself. If anyone was allowed to affect me, or change, define or confine me (you guys know that is my favorite saying because definitions do confine) then it’s because I let them. People can only cage me if I walk willingly through the door. Again, I have no one to blame but myself.

On the full moon I did a little bit of grounding work, and then I sat in my room naked with incense lit, candles burning, and in the depths of darkness I waited, and waited, and waited some more. After about 2 hours of waiting, I heard her, faintly, but she was there. Then the warm sensation began, it was coming from my Heart Chakra, then slowly rising up through my Crown.

I could hear my inner voice starting to come back quietly then slowly increasing intensity. I sat and meditated for hours and became acquainted with my inner self and my body once again. I allowed the two to become one on their own accord. I got up and put some music on and began dancing in my room, it was inhibited at first, I had to keep reminding myself that I need to claim “me” back, my sensuality, my sexuality, and in this moment I need to let my body move freely to the music; I need my body to flow like water. And, so it did.

It was an intense, emotionally powerful, and extremely profound moment for me. I feel one again, I feel like all my pieces have been put in place, and all the words I was holding back from my loved ones have been brought to the table. I feel so much lighter, I feel so much clearer, and now that I have her back, even though it is an ongoing process, I will never let her go again.

I am my best lover.