Let It Be

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Image: Natalie Drepina

“I’m a free spirit who never had the balls to be free.”

Cheryl Strayed


Life has been handing out the blows lately, and it has caused me to detour from my set path. I am not the type of person who can take things day by day, a bit of a control freak, and I need to have things mapped out in order to feel comfortable amid the Chaos. I also am a Cancer, and we tend to like things in our personal lives, and environment to be something we have control over.

I have no control right now though, none. I am just spinning round, and round, and round some more.

There was the death in my family last week, followed by me dodging a proverbial bullet with my career, and I am being bombarded with people seeking help. I have no problem helping people, the problem is just that; I want to help everyone, and forget about myself.

I allowed myself to slip through the cracks while I was helping everyone else.

After seriously straying from my daily routine this week, plus falling victim to many random happenings, I needed to take today and have it be a day for me. It started out a little rocky because I am passing, or dealing with, a kidney stone. I have had that sucker living inside my left kidney for almost 2 years, and it picks this week, of all weeks, to be a bastard. It’s ok though, nothing I can’t handle, just venting about the poor timing.

Carrying on…

So, after a bit of time being distracted by the news, and my phone, Facebook in general, I put my phone on silent and decided I was going to watch a movie. I turned to the movie channel, and almost without thought I scroll down to the movie ‘Wild’ starring Reese Witherspoon.

I love movies, I have always loved movies—all genres. I don’t know if it is because I am artist so I appreciate all artistic mediums or if I just really like to spend two hours of my life watching a story be told on the screen. I have no genre I like more than another, although I am a bit partial to horror and old black and white films. How weird, right?

Since I saw the previews of this movie, Wild, last year I have said I needed to watch it. For one reason or another, every time I sat down to do just that something came up or something stopped me from being able to take time away. Today was the day, and the timing was ever so perfect.

On top of being off my routine, the cosmic energy in the air pummeling me, and my health, I had a nasty run in with some dude over the fact that I said a fallen Angel could be a guardian. I won’t even give that whole situation the attention he wants. I had a huge blowout with a close friend, and life just seems to be changing and stagnant at the same time.

How is that? How is it that the rug feels like it has been ripped from under me but I still feel suffocated?

When I am sick like this my mind becomes even more of an enemy of mine because I can’t fight it, I can’t channel my insanity into creative energy. This movie was the perfect distraction.

If you are unfamiliar with the film it is about a young woman who after living a tormented life has decided the only way to get her shit together was to “walk back to wild”. She choose the Pacific Crest Trail, which is a hike that goes from the Mexican border all the way up to the Canadian border. It is a story, true story at that, told over a 3 month time frame.

It took a little adjusting for me to get into the movie, but once I was hooked I began a deep descent into a well of epiphanies.

The first quote to hit me like a brick to the face was a poem called ‘Power’ by Adrienne Rich:

‘Living in the earth-deposits of our history

Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth

one bottle amber perfect a hundred-year-old

cure for fever or melancholy a tonic

for living on this earth in the winters of this climate

Today I was reading about Marie Curie

she must have known she suffered from radiation sickness

her body bombarded for years by the element

she had purified

It seems she denied to the end

the source of the cataracts on her eyes

the cracked and suppurating skin of her finger-ends

till she could no longer hold a test-tube or a pencil

She died a famous woman denying

her wounds

denying

her wounds came from the same source as her power’

Read that part again, “She died a famous woman denying her wounds, denying her wounds came from the same source as her power”.

It was like my ears had perked, suddenly I had to listen, and I couldn’t look away. I knew there was a lesson to be learned in this movie.

A few scenes later another amazing little quote jumped out at me, “You gotta find your best self and hold onto it.”

We search this whole planet our whole lives to be a version of ourselves that a majority of the time is not true to who we are. Even when we think we are being true to ourselves, we aren’t. Society tells us that we are not to be different, or stand out, that forces you outside of the herd.

I guess for a wolf like me being outside of the herd is exactly where I belong.

I sat and watched this movie, and reflected on my own life. It hit me suddenly and it came out in a cleansing cry, it was like a whisper in my ear saying…

“No one is killing you but yourself.”

I start projects and don’t finish them, I get motivated then get sidetracked only to come back to it at a later date. I make a decision and fail to stick with it because my heart is as deep as an ocean, and I feel everything to the bottom of it.  I fear making decisions so much that I will try to avoid them altogether; even betraying myself. I allow love to be my Master, and dominant me even when I should be begging for mercy.

I know all there is to know about myself, and because of this knowing of Self I know that I am also a magnificent, beautiful, intelligent being who is going to succeed no matter how many pitfalls I stumble upon, or how many rocks are thrown. I was built for this, and succeed I will.

I have talked about my need to get back to my Wild before, but now it has become a dire situation, I must find my Wild because the alternative—well, there isn’t one. I refuse to be tamed by a society that considers me a black sheep no matter what I do.

Don’t let them tame you.

I will leave you with the quote from the movie ending…

“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I’d done something I shouldn’t have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I’d done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do anything differently than I had done? What if I’d actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn’t have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed?

What if I already was?

How wild it was, to let it be.”

A Daughter of Baba Yaga

Baba Yaga

Image: Vania Zouravliov

“The Crone, the Reaper, She is the Dark Moon, what you don’t see coming at you, what you don’t get away with the wind that whips the spark across the fire line. Chance, you could say, or, what’s scarier still: the intersection of chance with choices and actions made before. The brush that is tinder dry from decades of drought, the warming of the earth’s climate that sends the storms away north, the hole in the ozone layer. Not punishment, not even justice, but consequence.”

Starhawk


An innocent moment, with what appeared to be an innocent vision, has completely shifted my path and my current way of thinking. It’s funny how the Universe works like that, one moment you feel stuck, stagnant, trapped, and the next you are given your freedom, you have received your answers. I am no stranger to occurrences like this but the timing is what has me reflecting back on the last two weeks, and realizing that everything really is all relative.

My life appeared to be random happening, after random happening and there was no rhyme or reason to my emotions, thought process, or decision making. I was flying by the seat of my pants, which for a controlling, OCD Cancer like myself, this is something that we just don’t do. I thought that I was suffocating because of my relationship/friendships, or maybe my living situation. I knew that something was off, that something was wrong, and no matter how much I cut out of my life, or how much meditating I did, the feeling always crept back in.

It started two weeks ago on a Sunday night, and I did not write about this experience because I don’t know much, if anything about the deity, and it is my belief that I need to be somewhat educated on a topic before I decide to write about it. I say now that I do not know much about this most beautiful darkness that came to me, I just know that She is here, and She is making Her presence known in every way possible. I am filled with the utmost humility that this Crone has chosen me as one of Her daughters, and I readily and willingly accept Her, and the wisdom she wishes bestow upon me.

This Sunday evening was like every other night, but I was under a lot of emotional stress and at the peak of my madness, I had not been this dark in years. All I seemed to be doing was eating, really rich foods, and craving solitude. I immediately thought I was going through depression, but that soon proved to not be the case. I was still taking care of myself; showering daily, keeping up with household chores, meditating, and all the usual activities I partake in.

I was just really, really dark.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I felt like something, everything and nothing were wrong with my life. I was in a chaotic downward spiral, and I couldn’t see where it was coming from. There were no attachments, no attacks, no breaks in my shield, this “attack” was being allowed, and I was the one allowing it.

As I drifted off to sleep I quickly was pulled onto Astral, I remember taking note of the lack of visuals for a brief moment, there was nothing, no color, no smell, no feeling, no texture, it was a place of absolute stillness, absolute nothingness; no guides, no spirit animals, there was no one with me, just my naked body, with a dagger strapped to my left thigh, charms on my neck, and a satchel around my waist. I had the tattoos that I do now, along with some other symbols, they looked Slavic in nature. They were randomly placed on my body, and there was a thick black, dense, energy that was illuminating from them. It was like this blackness had a mind of its own, or maybe even a Master.

I landed in a thick wooded dark forest, and I quickly noticed that the ground was solid, and freezing cold, which would signify winter, but the forest itself was thick, and lush with greenery. I took a deep breath of the clean, crisp, fresh air, as I inhaled I realized there were no animals making noise; I heard nothing.

As quickly as I had this thought I heard branches breaking all around me, first loud, then soft, then loud, then soft again; it was as if I were being taunted, but also a message that this power is strong but not there to harm me.

I felt something at my feet and I looked down to see a snake that was red, black and white. She had coiled herself between my feet and slowly started making her way up my leg, tightening her grip as she got higher. I did not feel threatened by this beautiful serpent, but I knew that this was not a Daemon that I was familiar with, this was not Lucy, Mo, or any other energy that I am somewhat used to. As the snake got closer to my vagina, she entered inside me, and at that exact moment a freezing cold wind gust wrapped itself around me. I lost my balance and fell to the ground, as I picked my face up off the dirt, I noticed the bottom of a robe in front of me, and a cane; as my eyes made their way up the crooked cane, I saw wrinkled hands adorned with many rings gripping the wood.

I quickly asked, “Who are you?” and the response was, “I am the moon you were born under. I am the shadow. I am the Crone. I am the reason you are here.”

I demanded a name, and I was thrown to the ground and roots started to wrap around my body, pinning me to the ground. The cold wind picked back up, and as if the wind itself was speaking I heard the name, “Baba Yaga! I am Baba Yaga, She is Baba Yaga, We are Baba Yaga, child, child, child, child…”

I can still hear the chilling chant and echo in my head.

I woke up from this encounter sore from the roots, but each night since that one I am brought back to those same dark woods, and I sit speaking with this Divinely Dark Crone. It is in these travels that I have realized my sudden love for gardening, Earth, Woods, tinctures, herbs, spices, resin’s, and really Earthly oils, not to mention the rich foods; carbs, cheeses, fresh seasonal fruits and veggies, have all been because Baba Yaga has decided to come into my life. She is making her presence known to me, and the suffocating feeling I was experiencing was her trying to get my attention, and me blatantly ignoring the signs.

I have often struggled with the insecurity if I am “Witchy” enough, and the presence of this powerhouse in my life is telling me that I am Magick, I am Nature, and I am the definition of the Divine Feminine in one of her many depictions.

I am forever and always a Wild Woman, and Witch.

Who is Baba Yaga:

http://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Baba_Yaga