NEPTUNE RETROGRADE: Epiphanies from the Watery Deep

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Image: American Ghoul aka Daniel Vazquez

“If you think you can grasp me, think again:
my story flows in more than one direction
a delta springing from the riverbed
with its five fingers spread”

Adrienne Rich

The twelfth house, or the “house of the unconscious” is one of the most influential placements in my chart; reason being, I have Pisces in Neptune (its ruling house), a placement simply called, ‘Neptune in the twelfth house’.

I think as we approach this Neptune Retrograde it is important to know what sign your Neptune placement falls in so that you can better navigate the impending storm.

To find out your Neptune and the rest of your chart setup, click here.

The twelfth house is ruled by watery Pisces, and Neptune is its ruling planet–having the two together, playing off the other’s frequency can prove challenging.

To read more about this placement, click here.

There is a lot, A LOT of depth, chaos, even victim hood that comes with this set up in one’s chart. There also comes a need for creativity, freedom, and self-expression that the majority of people will *never* understand.

The article linked above says, “People with Neptune in the 12th House have an entire Universe within that they might even struggle to know and understand. Neptune is in its ruling house here, which can bring out both the best and the worst of the 12th House. The negative aspects of disassociation, projection, and self-victimization can run rampant. But, this can also be the most transcendental, inspirational 12th House planet of all. It does all depend on what the 12th House Neptune individual chooses to do with this energy. These people are highly gifted on psychic and creative levels. Their potential to heal and bless the world and themselves is enormous. But, their Neptune needs to be owned first.”

Salvador Dali shares this placement and says his infamous surrealist expressions came from his deep Neptune imagination; an imagination so vast, psychic abilities so deep that he claimed to have in utero memories. He was a Mystic, too, because that Neptune curiosity couldn’t keep him away from what is hidden; we seek what is hidden!

I relate to his creativity, desire to swim the depths of his mind but mostly I relate to his chaos–the chaos of this placement.

Neptune goes Retrograde today and will remain that way until November 24th; this Retrograde begins and ends in the sign of Pisces, it’s ruling sign.

Unlike Mercury Retrograde, Neptune is all about Self: losing yourself to find yourself.

As the Sage Goddess says, “this is all about deconstructing reality” then continues on:

“Currently, Neptune is in the sign of Pisces, its own sign, which magnifies and concentrates its inherent energy. Neptune retrograde, in the sign or domain of consciousness we call Pisces, wants us to slow down…maybe even stop. Pisces is not journeying – the journey belongs to Sagittarius. Pisces is being, letting everything come to you. Neptune is oneness and omnipresence. Its realms are unlimited by our reality structures. It represents cosmic water, or the cosmic womb, the Source of everything, which encompasses everything – the Great Light, Creative Force, Energy, or Spirit. Names mean nothing when everything is one.”

Astrology King says, “Neptune retrograde 2018 starts on June 18 at 16°29′ Pisces and ends on November 24 at 13°41′ Pisces. Neptune retrograde 2018 forms a fortunate aspect pattern called a grand trine. It shows great natural talent and creative potential. Mercury and Jupiter are the other planets involved so there is a hopeful, philosophical and friendly feel to Neptune retrograde this year.

“Neptune retrograde is the ideal time for spiritual self-development. The grand trine aspects and fixed stars involved make Neptune retrograde 2018 especially good for undertaking a spiritual quest to seek the truth. More detail on Neptune retrograde 2018 follows definitions of natal Neptune retrograde and transiting Neptune retrograde.”

He highlights these aspects:

Mercury trine Jupiter brings optimism and good news. Research, study and socializing are favored, and this is one of the best transits for making plans because of your good instincts, future-oriented and positive thinking. Planning or setting off on a journey is favored, especially long distance travels. Particular areas of study which may interest you include religion, law, language and philosophy. Business dealings should go well and this is the ideal time for entering into negotiations and for signing contracts. This is also a good time for all legal matters.

Mercury trine Neptune stimulates your creativity, imagination, sensitivity and spirituality. This a great time for working on anything involving harmony, like poetry, music and dance. Drama would also benefit from your closer inter relatedness with others, or increased empathy. All of your communication skills benefit from a non threatening, caring and soft influence. Your senses will be finely tuned so you can communicate effectively at the non verbal level, through gestures, your eyes, and telepathically. This aspect enhances psychic abilities and intuition.

Jupiter trine Neptune encourages hope, generosity and community spirit. You may undertake a spiritual quest to seek the truth. There may be destined encounters with priests, guru’s or psychics. Others may come to your for spiritual guidance or you can go it alone. Enlightenment can come through dreams, visions or meditation. You can follow your dreams for success without needing to sacrifice your ego or material possessions. Wealth, fame and glamour may come but above you should feel happy and content. Romance is also possible as others find you mysteriously attractive.”

The abysmal depths of the cosmic womb are going to transform us all.

This couldn’t come at a more perfect time, personally; I am going through a shedding process but also a learning process.

The lessons? Slowing down, vibrating higher and drawing boundaries.

I am in desperate need of a slower pace, and some more space.

There’s also, what seems to be, some sort of initiation going on; as if I have passed a test I didn’t know I was taking and now I’m on the home stretch and finally realize what’s going on and as soon as I cross the finish line oblivion, manifestation and the fruits of my labor await.

Not to mention my Solar Return coming up on June 24th, which I will celebrate my 34th rotation around the sun!

I embrace the oncoming necessary internal reflection, chaos and hurricane force winds;

I embrace the need to dive deep;

I embrace getting lost in order to be found;

I embrace reconnecting with myself.

Suddenly, everything makes sense.

Happy swimming, folks.

 

Lessons in Magick: The Power of Signs and Omens

Rachel Baran

Image: Rachel Baran

“It is your omen, only you know the meaning. To me, it is but another star in the night.”

Gerald R. Stanek

Witches, Mystics, Cunning Folk and Wild Women (People) have used signs, and omens to guide and help direct them in life since the beginning of time. The mentioning of and superstitions surrounding these otherworldly messages crosses many cultures and traditions; varying only slightly between them.

It is extremely important to pay attention to the signs, and follow them with an open heart but it’s equally important to know when the signs are not yours to follow. And, you absolutely need to know when it is NOT a sign at all but simply a result of cause and effect.

The latter is super hard for me, personally, to grasp.

I put a lot of faith in the Universe, and I know that sounds crazy coming from a Luciferian but it’s true. I have lived my life following signs and they have never led me astray, until recently; the delivery of these false signs was through hard, painful lessons (all dealing with the same subject matter which is the greatest sign of all). As I write this in fact, the wounds are still open.

It’s a healing process, a learning process, and a shedding process. It’s a process that requires faith in Self with equal parts determination and stubbornness.

Yes, I have wanted to quit when signs revealed to me an answer I did not like.

Yes, I have been angry when signs took me down an entirely different road.

Yes, I have been sad when the signs were not there at all, or when I followed them and they turned out to be nothing.

Even then, though, everything IS something, even if it’s just an experience, or an opportunity to lift your heart to the sky and say “fuck you, I have been hurt, burned and beaten but here I am, I continue to show up and show out. You can’t and won’t defeat me”.

For clarification purposes when I say Universe I use it as an umbrella term for the Universe as a collective, primordial energy, my deities/Spirits, and Ancestors—kinda like, everything not of the physical world. And, even then I refer to signs from birds, animals and nature as the “Universe speaking to me”. We will get to that though.

So, WHAT are signs? How do you know when they are for you? How do you know when the lesson is learned? SO many questions, right?

Let’s start with the basics.

For me I define signs as messages from the Universe (definition above), they are little bread crumbs from Spirits and Guides letting us know what we should or should not do.

For example, my Grandparents are both passed now and they talk to me through old black and white films, sounds crazy, I know but it’s true. There will be a compulsion to watch a movie, and then it will be playing on TCM (the channel I would watch with them for hours) and during it, certain words will sound distorted, or will be louder than others and often the word correlates with what I am physically doing, or thinking about at that time. They usually correspond with number sequences on the clock, too, and phantom scents in the air.

I don’t (often) subscribe to the concept of coincidence, which is probably why it’s hard for me to grasp that sometimes stuff happens and there really is no reason for it.

Life sucks and so I *know* that shit, does indeed, just happen; I still want to believe there is a reason, though, no matter how messed up.

Is this Denial? Hope? Ignorance?

All of the above?

I don’t know but it keeps me curious, and it keeps me going.

You will know a sign is for you because you will FEEL IT in your gut, it’s incomparable and no, it cannot be confused. I know that some of the more logical folk out there will suggest that we cause ourselves to “feel” whatever it is we want. Or, conversely, we cause whatever we subconsciously fear, and are bending reality to fit into those boxes. I see the point in this train of thought and logic should always be taken into consideration but when you are communicating with the Universe, there is no confusing it and there is no applying logic to it.

Signs are everywhere and they are obviously not all for us, but they most certainly surround us.

You will know when a lesson is learned because you will stop finding yourself in the same repetitive pattern. Life is cyclical and it is NORMAL to have periods of time where you find yourself in a rut, or stuck in a pattern of behavior; this does not always mean there is some major sign to be seen, it could just be the ebb and flow of your life. If you find yourself stuck for a long time, or unable to get out despite your best efforts then the Universe might be testing you.

The further you venture on your Spiritual path the more you will come to understand the difference between normal “life shit” and what is Spiritually motivated or induced. You will also come to know when the lesson is learned because you will feel it lift off you.

Here are some of the most common ways the Universe talks to us:

NUMBERS: The Universe is nothing but one big mathematical equation, so it makes perfect sense that it would use numbers to communicate with us. You can start by reading up on Angel Numbers—don’t let the title fool you, even if you don’t believe in Angelic beings, the breakdown of Angelic Numbers by Doreen Virtue and Sacred Scribes will help you tremendously (as they have helped me). It is also good to start understanding numbers and their role in Tarot, Numerology, and Astrology. Don’t overwhelm yourself, start slow and with the numbers that you are seeing the most—the message you need to see/hear will show itself. Listen to the feeling in your gut.

SCENTS: As mentioned in previous blogs our sense of smell is one of our most useful senses because it can trigger some of our deepest memories. Have you ever wondered why you smell something so simple like a light perfume or flower, even a food cooked a certain way and you were transported back to another time? Smell is a powerful indicator of energy, and depending on the smell, can tell us a lot about our situation. Always pay attention to phantom smells: who do they remind you of, where do they take you, where is your mind the moment before the scent appears, how long does it linger, how strong is it, etc.

DREAMS: Our dreams reveal to us a lot about what is going on within. It does not matter if the dream is prophetic in nature, a vision or travel of some sort or simply because you ate that extra piece of chocolate too late—dreams are the easiest way for our Spirits to communicate with us because they can access the Dream state, as we can access the world beyond the veil through our dreams. I keep a dream journal, and try to encourage everyone to do the same. It doesn’t have to be fancy, and to be honest, it’s usually just written on the memo pad of my phone but it’s important to notate what sticks out in our dreams. I cannot tell you how many times I have had a dream, and written something down, knowing damn well it made no sense to me, only to have it make complete sense later. Don’t doubt yourself, and write it down, no matter how ridiculous it seems; it will pay off later.

ANIMALS: This is a big one and refers to my comment in the beginning about the Universe speaking through animals and nature. I find that messages come to me a lot through birds, and spiders. In some cultures, birds represent Bird (or Animal) Medicine (mostly Indigenous cultures) but in other cases, the species of the bird (or animal) is the message itself. Here is an article I came across regarding the 15 most common animal messengers. Pay attention to how you feel when you see the bird or animal, what are you doing, what is going on in your life at that moment, what are you trying to manifest—these questions factored in with the basic symbolism of the animal will reveal to you what you need to know.

SYNCHRONICITY: This is those little moments where you experience intense déjà vu and you find yourself having moments of alignment. Examples, you think of someone and they suddenly call or text. Your manifesting abilities become more potent, and your intentions become clearer; abundance and prosperity come flowing into your life (no this does not mean money). Synchronicity is the Universe telling you that you are BECOMING.

These are just a few of the common ways the Universe communicates with us, you just have to be tuned in enough to hear it.

This is a hard path and I know sometimes the signs and lessons are harder but they are all worth it.

It’s always worth it.

Never regret the choice to wake up, never wish to go back to sleep.

Always trust the process.

Serendipitous Synchronicity

Jordie Hennigar

Image: Jordie Hennigar

“Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is like a train of moods like a string of beads, and, as we pass through them, they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue…. ”

Ralph Waldo Emerson


My days have been filled with interesting events lately, to say the very least. It seems that life is really blossoming for me, something I have been waiting for, for what seems like eternity. Now that it is here, I don’t know how to handle it, and I feel myself becoming lost, buried in the fears and anticipation for what comes next; the unknown is a terrifying thought for me.

I am a control freak, so these random happenings, and synchronicities, dream manifestations, and amazing experiences have me paralyzed with fear.

I don’t know how to surrender, which is ironic because a few months ago I wrote about the power of giving up control, a fact I still believe in. So why can’t I let go and submit?

Why can’t I let these feelings of happiness, and pure joy overtake me, and soak up their bliss? Why am I so scared of the good in life? Why am I so scared to allow myself to be happy?

I had a lot of motivation 2 weeks ago, finally making the first of many steps on my path to change. I have started to focus on my jewelry venture, even selling several pieces, and I have begun to dive back into the book project. I have/had writer’s block, and instead of battling through it, I gave up; I am not a quitter either, I just don’t know where I want to be, or what I want to do, maybe I am questioning who I am, although, I know that. I just feel so fucking lost amid all these changes, constantly reminding myself that they will evolve me, help me, and benefit me.

I have kept my emotions, my hesitations, and my feelings inside, not wanting anyone to worry, or judge, the only reason I am writing about this now is because something happened that pulled me back from the brink of abysmal death; I was really far inside, but a conversation and a special someone pulled me back.

I have been withdrawing from social media, not wanting to spend hardly any time at all online, but would rather spend it focusing on more tangible things. I thought my withdrawal was a sign of going into a depression, but what it really is, is me coming out of one.

I am ready to jump back into the real world, but it feels so foreign to me, and shall we not forget my hatred of people, of the mundane—of socializing with said mundane people? The thought alone makes me wants to run and hide.

On Sunday morning I received a message from a dear friend, an old roommate of mine, and how it unfolded had me scratching my head, only now realizing that the conversation was a sign from beyond the veil.

She is a 29-year-old Woman living in NYC with her amazing boyfriend, and their awesome dog (English Bulldogs are my fave, which makes him awesome).  She is currently in school finishing her Bachelors in Health Care Administration. I speak of her accomplishments because she has come a long way from where she used to be. She once lived a life of addiction, and is a domestic abuse survivor, who is now an advocate. To get to where she is, she worked 2 jobs, went to school at night, and worked her ass off. I am extremely proud of all that she has accomplished.

She even recently travelled abroad (did the whole European excursion thing). From the outside she looks, and seems happy, so why then was I getting a message from her telling me how lost she is, and that she needs someone to speak truth to her?

I had never lived the “grass isn’t always greener on the other side” but I have many times lived “I wonder if the grass is greener on the other side”. I think we all at one point in time or another experience both of these but to act it out, in real life, was surreal. I think it is part of human nature to be curious of other’s lives, even comparing ourselves to them.

She told me how she hates her job, that she questions continuing school for it because it is not what she expected, she told me that all they do is “take people’s money”. Then she said how she feels trapped, and stuck, that she wishes to just pick up and go someplace quiet, and open a shelter or safe place for domestic abuse victims, and help them become survivors.

What is holding her back?

Fear, and her own control issues.

Sound familiar?

As I sat there in that moment I couldn’t help but think that something, or someone, was behind the conversation.

What caught me completely off guard was how proud she said she was of my writing, and all I have built for myself (which in my eyes is nothing to brag about). Following those compliments was this:

“I’m so happy you are not following society norms, and following what you love to do. I admire you.”

I am full of emotion even now as I write this, and reflect back on how powerful those words were, and are still, and how desperately I needed to hear them.

I have been weighed down by thoughts of “what if I were normal”? I have been almost wishing away some of my well-earned Divine madness, withdrawing from my writing, and other creative art forms; all because I suddenly want to be normal?

Since when has normal ever appealed to me?

It hasn’t, and it doesn’t.

You see, we all get lost on our path’s sometimes, we lose our “mojo” and our goals seem out of reach, but if we pay close enough attention, the motivation and validation to continue our endeavors is all around us, just waiting to be acknowledged.

The true moral of this story is, we need to learn how to fertilize our own grass before we go comparing it to someone else’s.

As for losing my own motivation, Madre always told me, “Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get back on the horse. There is work to be done.”

So, off to work I go.

Let It Be

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Image: Natalie Drepina

“I’m a free spirit who never had the balls to be free.”

Cheryl Strayed


Life has been handing out the blows lately, and it has caused me to detour from my set path. I am not the type of person who can take things day by day, a bit of a control freak, and I need to have things mapped out in order to feel comfortable amid the Chaos. I also am a Cancer, and we tend to like things in our personal lives, and environment to be something we have control over.

I have no control right now though, none. I am just spinning round, and round, and round some more.

There was the death in my family last week, followed by me dodging a proverbial bullet with my career, and I am being bombarded with people seeking help. I have no problem helping people, the problem is just that; I want to help everyone, and forget about myself.

I allowed myself to slip through the cracks while I was helping everyone else.

After seriously straying from my daily routine this week, plus falling victim to many random happenings, I needed to take today and have it be a day for me. It started out a little rocky because I am passing, or dealing with, a kidney stone. I have had that sucker living inside my left kidney for almost 2 years, and it picks this week, of all weeks, to be a bastard. It’s ok though, nothing I can’t handle, just venting about the poor timing.

Carrying on…

So, after a bit of time being distracted by the news, and my phone, Facebook in general, I put my phone on silent and decided I was going to watch a movie. I turned to the movie channel, and almost without thought I scroll down to the movie ‘Wild’ starring Reese Witherspoon.

I love movies, I have always loved movies—all genres. I don’t know if it is because I am artist so I appreciate all artistic mediums or if I just really like to spend two hours of my life watching a story be told on the screen. I have no genre I like more than another, although I am a bit partial to horror and old black and white films. How weird, right?

Since I saw the previews of this movie, Wild, last year I have said I needed to watch it. For one reason or another, every time I sat down to do just that something came up or something stopped me from being able to take time away. Today was the day, and the timing was ever so perfect.

On top of being off my routine, the cosmic energy in the air pummeling me, and my health, I had a nasty run in with some dude over the fact that I said a fallen Angel could be a guardian. I won’t even give that whole situation the attention he wants. I had a huge blowout with a close friend, and life just seems to be changing and stagnant at the same time.

How is that? How is it that the rug feels like it has been ripped from under me but I still feel suffocated?

When I am sick like this my mind becomes even more of an enemy of mine because I can’t fight it, I can’t channel my insanity into creative energy. This movie was the perfect distraction.

If you are unfamiliar with the film it is about a young woman who after living a tormented life has decided the only way to get her shit together was to “walk back to wild”. She choose the Pacific Crest Trail, which is a hike that goes from the Mexican border all the way up to the Canadian border. It is a story, true story at that, told over a 3 month time frame.

It took a little adjusting for me to get into the movie, but once I was hooked I began a deep descent into a well of epiphanies.

The first quote to hit me like a brick to the face was a poem called ‘Power’ by Adrienne Rich:

‘Living in the earth-deposits of our history

Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth

one bottle amber perfect a hundred-year-old

cure for fever or melancholy a tonic

for living on this earth in the winters of this climate

Today I was reading about Marie Curie

she must have known she suffered from radiation sickness

her body bombarded for years by the element

she had purified

It seems she denied to the end

the source of the cataracts on her eyes

the cracked and suppurating skin of her finger-ends

till she could no longer hold a test-tube or a pencil

She died a famous woman denying

her wounds

denying

her wounds came from the same source as her power’

Read that part again, “She died a famous woman denying her wounds, denying her wounds came from the same source as her power”.

It was like my ears had perked, suddenly I had to listen, and I couldn’t look away. I knew there was a lesson to be learned in this movie.

A few scenes later another amazing little quote jumped out at me, “You gotta find your best self and hold onto it.”

We search this whole planet our whole lives to be a version of ourselves that a majority of the time is not true to who we are. Even when we think we are being true to ourselves, we aren’t. Society tells us that we are not to be different, or stand out, that forces you outside of the herd.

I guess for a wolf like me being outside of the herd is exactly where I belong.

I sat and watched this movie, and reflected on my own life. It hit me suddenly and it came out in a cleansing cry, it was like a whisper in my ear saying…

“No one is killing you but yourself.”

I start projects and don’t finish them, I get motivated then get sidetracked only to come back to it at a later date. I make a decision and fail to stick with it because my heart is as deep as an ocean, and I feel everything to the bottom of it.  I fear making decisions so much that I will try to avoid them altogether; even betraying myself. I allow love to be my Master, and dominant me even when I should be begging for mercy.

I know all there is to know about myself, and because of this knowing of Self I know that I am also a magnificent, beautiful, intelligent being who is going to succeed no matter how many pitfalls I stumble upon, or how many rocks are thrown. I was built for this, and succeed I will.

I have talked about my need to get back to my Wild before, but now it has become a dire situation, I must find my Wild because the alternative—well, there isn’t one. I refuse to be tamed by a society that considers me a black sheep no matter what I do.

Don’t let them tame you.

I will leave you with the quote from the movie ending…

“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I’d done something I shouldn’t have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I’d done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do anything differently than I had done? What if I’d actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn’t have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed?

What if I already was?

How wild it was, to let it be.”

Epiphanies from an Insomniac Seer

Manuel

Image: Manuelestheim,DeviantArt

“4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”

Jarod Kintz


I write about my experience as an insomniac often, it is actually during these times that I figure the most out about myself, about my life, my feelings, and things to come. The trouble with insomnia mixed with a dash of Divine madness is that the insomniac is a tight rope walker, and at any given time can drop and fall into a pit of emotions that one was not quite ready, or equipped to deal with. I think being able to function after an entire night awake, or even several nights awake; as is the case with me, is an art form. I truly mean that, when I tell people, especially my Doctor’s how long I stay up the looks on their faces are priceless. The response is always the same, “I don’t know how you do it.”

Because I don’t have a choice.

It really is that simple, as much as I love my time awake, I would love to be able to sleep once in a while. It has gotten to the point where I am finally willing to undergo the sleep study to prove to my Doctor that it is not sleep apnea. I have none of the symptoms of sleep apnea or of being distressed during sleep. I do not have high blood pressure (I did at one time, though), I do not have circles or bags under my eyes, I do not snore, I do not wake up gasping for air—because I don’t fall asleep! I don’t have excess inflammation in my body, I have had the tests done. There, literally, is no medical reason for me staying awake.

I just do. I just am.

I think being awake and staying awake are two different things, though. I am awake, I don’t even get tired anymore, and the 3 valerian root I take at bedtime do nothing anymore for sleep, although they do help with my anxiety. I take tinctures, and drink herbal teas. I meditate, and have even tried to masturbate, and still no sleep comes. So I finally just surrender to it, and since I surrendered I am much less stressed over not sleeping. I think once you accept something, it just is, there is no need to worry about it because it is already figured out. You know?

I also think that awakened Souls, specifically Witches, Occultist’s and Seekers, vibrate on a different frequency than others, we are influenced by planetary shifts, and the moon phases. Why, you ask?

Because we have accepted that we are part of the Cosmos, that we are part of the grand scheme of things, and that this life, this current experience is but a blip on the radar, a literal, moment in time.

I think acceptance is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves; the hardest, but the greatest.

When I was a teenager my Mom told me something that has never left my mind, even when I didn’t understand the true meaning. She told me, “A great deal of life’s happiness comes from accepting what is, instead of dwelling on what isn’t.”

A truly profound statement reading it now, in my current mood, and mind frame. I knew the depth of the statement, but it wasn’t until I started to put it into practice that the full effect was seen and felt.

Last night was night number 4 with truly no sleep, and usually this would cause darkness, and a heavy emotional state, but this time it hasn’t. I have accepted that my body, my mind, just don’t want to sleep. I do miss my astral adventures, but I have found that the visions, and sight during the day have become much stronger. I think that is what they are trying to show me, they want me to focus on my other forms of sight, not just what I see on Astral.

Cue alarm bells in my head.

Before I went to sleep I sprayed my room with lavender, put the nighttime calming cream on, took my California Poppy tincture, drank my sleepytime tea, and took my 3 valerian root. For any normal person they would be knocked out, but for me, I lay awake for hours. My mind has stopped racing as much at night, and this is a recent development.

I just am there, awake, experiencing the world while everyone else sleeps. A surreal time, for anyone, but I feel particularly for me.

The entirety of last night was strange, it started when I checked NR’s Facebook page, and at 11:11 I received 999 likes. Now, I usually would smile at this, but it wasn’t funny last night. I feel defeated that I am just awake, doing nothing, feeling nothing, unable to process anything. I try to get up and write, or color, watch TV, read, something, anything, but nothing helps, I get bored and/or frustrated and the feeling of defeat comes over me, and I just surrender. When I surrender I feel their eyes, which in turn gives me an uneasy feeling because some of these eyes are not ones that I am used to, and as you guys know, I am not very welcoming to new guests.

Even still, I lay there last night tossing and turning until suddenly I had this intense urge to get up, “GET UP! GET UP! GET UP!” I heard from the darkness, and I felt an actual push on my back. I open my eyes expecting to feel something, or see something, but nothing was there. I checked the time, and kid you not, it was 3:33.

This same feeling happened when I got up at 6:03. It’s like an energy is pulling me, making me acknowledge these numbers. When I do there is nothing there, so I just acknowledge the Universe now, and say how grateful I am. I mean, what else is there to do?

As I sit here now, at 9:36, another powerful symbolic number, I feel like I am existing in two places, like a piece of me is somewhere else. I can see her, hear her, feel her, and whatever she is doing is causing a huge vibration, a shift in my current consciousness. The weird thing about all of this though, is I am calm, I am not anxious, or frustrated. My emotions have not even plummeted into the darkness, which is usually the case.

I’m just here.

Awake.

If you would like to read about any numbers mentioned:

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2012/08/angel-number-1111.html

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2012/04/angel-number-999.html

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2011/08/angel-number-333.html

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2011/10/angel-number-603.html

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2012/02/angel-number-936.html