Image: Bruno Dayan

“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.”

Cherise Sinclair

I am going to venture into new territory here, and I hope that I do this piece justice, and represent the community in a positive way.

My intentions are to evoke thought, and bring about discussion regarding a very taboo topic; BDSM.

At this point you are probably wondering why I have taken on this topic, why I have strayed off my usual Occult, Magick, Awakening topics to write about Kink?

All I can say is that it’s passed time for someone to take this head on from a Spiritual aspect, and bring forth a new way of thinking. I am not necessarily saying I am that person(s), but I hope to be one of them.

It seems that in the last 3 (now 6) years since the release of E.L James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey” book and movie series that everyone has an opinion about without really any facts.

I want to clear things up because besides the fact that I am part of this community, people believe that this book series is an accurate portrayal of what it is to be in a consenting Dom/sub relationship.

Also, because in recent months my fellow enlightened community seems to think that sex with a bit of Kink is no longer Sacred, it is no longer spiritual.

The dynamic portrayed in Fifty Shades of Grey is an abusive, possessive “relationship” and that is the furthest thing from what BDSM really is.

The truth, in my opinion, is that BDSM is the most Sacred form of sex you can have; above Tantra, above making love with passion and fire, above fucking.

How is it better? It is in found in the freedom of trusting your partner so deeply that you are putting your well-being, quite literally, in their hands and trusting them not to hurt you.

Once your ability to make present moment decisions for yourself has been taken away, your mind will venture into new territory, you do not have to worry about this position, or that whatever; the Dom controls it all for you.

Where is your mind going? What new feelings, mentally or physically, are you experiencing? Where? Why?

You will feel sensations you never thought you had before, your mind will be pushed to its absolute limit and beyond, you will find what your mind once perceived as painful is truly a release and in that release there is pleasure.

You will finally understand what it means to own your Will, to live your Will, to find pleasure in your Will.

The line between pain and pleasure is almost non-existent and once you go past a certain point in your mind, in your psyche you will suddenly feel the freedom, ecstasy and a natural high that cannot be compared to anything in this world.

Subspace is a real state of consciousness and it’s powerful as fuck.

Before I go further, let me define what BDSM is:

Bondage and Discipline

Dominance and Submission

Sadism and Masochism

These words describe a wide collection of activities that fall under the umbrella of BDSM – and cover a whole range of relationships between two or more people, from casual, or one off situations, to more permanent arrangements.

There is a common misconception that Women who engage in BDSM have low self-esteem or that we have been abused, are trying to fill a void in ourselves, or that we are actually being abused in the relationship; none of that is true, not in a healthy partnership at least.

Do some people wander into the world of kink because of sexual abuse and trying to fill a void? I’m sure, but it’s not the majority.

I mean, aren’t we all healing from something? Looking for some fix?

I digress.

Speaking as a sexual abuse survivor, holding the control while not having control was and is an experience that can’t be put into words. Truly. It can’t. Most of my healing from sexual trauma has come from BDSM. Life’s irony.

As someone who is both a Domme and sub, I found healing in both roles.

BDSM is demonized because folks just don’t understand what they view as such an extreme act, but that is only because they are not willing to let themselves go; they fear the pleasure, the pain, the excitement, the unknown, the release, the moment right before orgasm and your Dom tells you to stop.

They don’t know any of that, because they are scared.

Am I suggesting that everyone partake in this lifestyle? Absolutely not, but I do believe that society as a whole is oppressed sexually.

People are scared of sex, they think of it as an obligation in a relationship, or to have children. Why can’t it be to have fun or to heal, or both?

There are a million reasons why people have sex, and just as many reasons why people will not liberate themselves sexually.

A sexually liberated Woman is a whore, a slut, she is broken, she is damaged…….those are just a few stereotypes off the top of my head.

It is because of this that many Women stray away from having multiple partners, or from telling their partner what they want, what they like and don’t like, and it is also why so many Women do not reach orgasm from sex alone.

On the other hand we have Men, and if a man sleeps with numerous partners he is “THE MAN!” or “being a man” or he is given props by his peers. The patriarchy and their hypocrisy at its finest.

Equality, people, equality.

Sex is a Sacred act, you are literally sharing your life essence with another human being, and while one night stands, and random fucks are fun, they get old, they can potentially drain us, and we are left taking on the weight of our partner’s demons if we are not selective with our choices.

Sex is about pleasure, but it is also about connection, about intimacy, about primal and animalistic instincts; transcending above this physical plane because in that moment we can escape.

I want to say the most important lesson out of this whole piece: THE SUB HAS ALL THE CONTROL.

The Domme/Dom is merely playing a role to please the sub, thus pleasing Her/Him self.

In a healthy BDSM relationship there is first, and foremost consent. It’s abuse if there is no consent. Period.

You have to go over the rules with your partner, what is allowed, what is not allowed, what do you like, what you have tried, what you want to try etc. etc.

There is sometimes an actual written contract, and the relationship itself can be romantic, or strictly about the sexual aspect, which in reality is so much more than sex.

I am not trying to get people to subject themselves to this lifestyle if they are not comfortable. I am simply trying to arm people with information gained by lived experience, own their sexuality, own their pleasure, own their pain.

Trusting someone to the point that you are willing to be bound, punished and pleased, only to be taken care of before and after by those very same hands is why BDSM is so Sacred.

It is a true partnership built on trust, respect and communication.

Since when are those bad qualities to have in a sexual or romantic partnership?