DADDY ISSUES: How to Heal the Father Wound

Michael Vincent Manalo

Image: Michael Vincent Manalo

“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”

John Steinbeck

Part of the human experience is pain, and I think it’s safe to say that we have all at one time or another discovered what it feels like to have our heart and Soul shredded by the words and/or actions of another.

My past interactions with people in my life caused serious trust issues; I don’t mean just in romantic partnerships either, I mean general trust issues with every single human being I come in contact with.

It’s fucking sad.

It’s fucking lonely.

It fucking hurts.

In my experience, and opinion, our “issues” as adults usually stem from a childhood place, and more often than not they have to do with one, or both of our parents.

What a way for the world to welcome you, by having your parent(s) betray and hurt you.

The Mother Wound has been discussed many times on the page; a Wound that has not affected me nearly as deeply as the Father Wound.

Both of these Wounds are variations of what is called a Soul Wound. These Wounds are karmic knots and they affect how you reincarnate, and essentially, how you are and live as a person in your day to day life.

Wounds can be created from abuse, neglect, abandonment, Self-harm, surgeries and sexual trauma, to name a few. When a Wound occurs a piece of your Soul either leaves and you become fragmented, or the piece becomes “stuck” and unable to evolve beyond the pain; which of course makes you unable to evolve as a whole being.

It took me years to get to the root of my Wound and begin to nurture it, water it and allow it to blossom.

That’s right, you must allow the pain to breakthrough.

From this point you are then able to heal yourself from the pain inflicted by the hands, words, actions, thoughts, and absence of another human being. Once the pain has been dealt with and conquered your power is yours again.

Before I get into how to heal the Wound, let me tell you my story so you can get a better idea of what I have been through. I am going to be a bit vague because since my Grandma died in April I have been attempting to form and maintain some kind of relationship with my Father, so I don’t want to hash up all the skeletons.

But, seriously why am I even attempting this relationship again? I guess I didn’t learn my lesson entirely, or maybe that pesky little girl inside me looking for her Dad hasn’t given up trying to find him. I like to think I am just hard headed and want to show him how amazing I am, and I owe none of my awesomeness and talents to him.

It has been no secret to those who have been following me for a long time that I have Daddy issues; I use that term to take the power back because *SO* many times it was used against me in life.

“This bitch has Daddy Issues.”

“She is a walking Daddy Issue.”

“Her Dad really fucked her up.”

These are just some of the comments made about me because of who I was as a person due to the absence of my Father.

I was not only hurt by these words, but I felt like they gave my Father power. Plus, I came to the realization that this pain was only affecting me—he was living his new life, and was just fine; I was the one who was suffering, and allowing others to continue the cycle.

One day I just embraced the fact that I have Daddy issues, and it was at that moment I was able to begin the journey of healing.

Since the moment of my birth my Father was terrified of me. He was scared that I was a little girl, and more scared of my strength. I came in to this world fighting for my life and the battle has never eased up; I have never had the choice to be strong or not.

He never liked my strong opinions, free thinking mentality, and he was threatened by my intelligence. So what did I do?  I watered myself down to seek his approval.

How fucking sickening.

I tried to be who he wanted me to be, what he expected a daughter to be, but that role didn’t fit and after years of trying to get him to see me, I gave up.

When my parents finally got divorced when I was about to turn 12 Mom and I moved away, and well, that was that.

I was in a new place, away from my entire family and everything I had ever known and mourning the loss of my Father; a man who would continue to care, Father and support my older Brothers. He chose to love them, he chose to be a Dad to them, he chose to be present for them but not for me.

There honestly is no pain in the world that can be compared.

I cannot speak for young men, but I know as a young woman the situation with my Father had a huge role in how I viewed men, love, sex, and my promiscuity.

At first, I tried to fill the void but I quickly learned that was impossible, no one can replace a parent. So I became ruthless. I turned into a man-eater. I would have casual rough sex, with absolutely no intimacy—no kissing, no eye gazes and damn sure no cuddling afterwards. I thought of every man I encountered as “my Father” and he couldn’t be trusted, so I would use him, and make him feel like shit.

Then one day my conscience could remain silent no more and I realized what I was doing, and knew a change had to be made and that change was not going to come in the form of an apology from my Father: it had to come from within. Besides my reckless behavior and rebellion were only hurting me, and literally no one else.

Here are the steps I followed to healing my Wounds, I am sharing in hopes they can help someone out there.

Step One: Accept Your Pain: This sounds easy enough but it isn’t, accepting pain is hard because with acceptance comes anger, rage, and disappointment. It’s normal to be mad that someone hurt you and disappointed that they could do it in the first place. It has to be done though; you have to face your pain or it will rule you. Begin to love and support yourself the way you wish your Father (or other absent person) would.

Tips: Mirror Work: gaze in the mirror and honor your pain, then release it. Honor, release, repeat. This is done by simply talking to yourself, setting intentions, even writing it in Spell, or Mantra/Chant form.

Another good idea is to start writing a journal of all the pain you are holding on to; name all the people who hurt you and how; focusing on your Father mostly. When you have finished, burn it but make a ritual out of it. My suggestion would be to start the journal on a New Moon to open yourself up to the pain and healing, then on a Full Moon burn the journal in an act of letting go.

New Moon- Receiving, and Manifestation; Full Moon- Letting go, and releasing.

Step Two: Find the Root: This sounds stupid because we’re talking about Father Wounds but, there is usually a specific incident that was the initial entry point, if you will, in which all the other pain was then allowed to enter. Think about a missed Birthday, or special event, maybe even something you witnessed your Father doing; there is always a moment that stuck the knife in, and switched a healthy relationship to unhealthy. Healing the root of your pain requires patience and gentle words; you must be gentle with your Self-Talk or the root will never reveal itself.

Tips: Meditation: I would recommend a deep meditation not just your usual daily 15-20 minutes of quiet time. You may look at old pictures and/or journal entries to get the memories flowing, then close your eyes and allow your mind to take you back. You will have mental sludge to walk through before you begin to access the memories long locked away, but once they start to flow they will not stop. I would suggest having Rose Quartz nearby and maybe some Black Tourmaline; the Quartz to help your Heart Chakra and to remind yourself to be gentle, and the Black Tourmaline to absorb negativity and help ground the excess energy and emotions.

Another exercise could be hypnotherapy, and early life regression work but these should be performed by licensed professionals only. Just know there is a place where science and spirituality meet in order to heal the mind and Soul.

Step Three: Forgive and Move On: This is the hardest task for anyone to complete. Forgiveness requires that you no longer hold on to any pain, or residual feelings. This means the pain can no longer be a crutch; it can no longer be an excuse for emotional outbursts, or bad behavior. The way I rationalize forgiveness of those who have hurt me is that carrying pain, resentment, and anger hurts more than the actual pain itself.

Tips: Write a letter to the person(s) who hurt you, explain to them your pain, and then make sure to end it with “I forgive you”. You may send it to them, or burn it in the same way as the journal mentioned above. I find that whenever anything is put on paper and burned it is a tremendous relief.

Water cleansing can work for this as well. You can go out in nature and use fresh or ocean water; if that is not an option your shower/bath will do just fine. Set your intentions of forgiveness, release then say:

“Water of creation wash over me, and rid this body and Soul of all harm, pain, and negativity. I wish to finally be free of what and who I used to be. My words are firm so it shall be, this is my will, so mote it be.”

Then submerge yourself; consider it a baptism for your new life.

Pain is part of being human but it does not have to, and should not be our natural state of being.

We must always rise above those who hurt us, otherwise they have our power.

It’s time to take that power back.

Sacred Sex: BDSM

Bruno Dayan

Image: Bruno Dayan

“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.”

Cherise Sinclair

I am going to venture into new territory here, and I hope that I do this piece justice, and represent the community in a positive way.

My intentions are to evoke thought, and bring about discussion regarding a very taboo topic; BDSM.

At this point you are probably wondering why I have taken on this topic, why I have strayed off my usual Occult, Magick, Awakening topics to write about Kink?

All I can say is that it’s passed time for someone to take this head on from a Spiritual aspect, and bring forth a new way of thinking. I am not necessarily saying I am that person(s), but I hope to be one of them.

It seems that in the last 3 (now 6) years since the release of E.L James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey” book and movie series that everyone has an opinion about without really any facts.

I want to clear things up because besides the fact that I am part of this community, people believe that this book series is an accurate portrayal of what it is to be in a consenting Dom/sub relationship.

Also, because in recent months my fellow enlightened community seems to think that sex with a bit of Kink is no longer Sacred, it is no longer spiritual.

The dynamic portrayed in Fifty Shades of Grey is an abusive, possessive “relationship” and that is the furthest thing from what BDSM really is.

The truth, in my opinion, is that BDSM is the most Sacred form of sex you can have; above Tantra, above making love with passion and fire, above fucking.

How is it better? It is in found in the freedom of trusting your partner so deeply that you are putting your well-being, quite literally, in their hands and trusting them not to hurt you.

Once your ability to make present moment decisions for yourself has been taken away, your mind will venture into new territory, you do not have to worry about this position, or that whatever; the Dom controls it all for you.

Where is your mind going? What new feelings, mentally or physically, are you experiencing? Where? Why?

You will feel sensations you never thought you had before, your mind will be pushed to its absolute limit and beyond, you will find what your mind once perceived as painful is truly a release and in that release there is pleasure.

You will finally understand what it means to own your Will, to live your Will, to find pleasure in your Will.

The line between pain and pleasure is almost non-existent and once you go past a certain point in your mind, in your psyche you will suddenly feel the freedom, ecstasy and a natural high that cannot be compared to anything in this world.

Subspace is a real state of consciousness and it’s powerful as fuck.

Before I go further, let me define what BDSM is:

Bondage and Discipline

Dominance and Submission

Sadism and Masochism

These words describe a wide collection of activities that fall under the umbrella of BDSM – and cover a whole range of relationships between two or more people, from casual, or one off situations, to more permanent arrangements.

There is a common misconception that Women who engage in BDSM have low self-esteem or that we have been abused, are trying to fill a void in ourselves, or that we are actually being abused in the relationship; none of that is true, not in a healthy partnership at least.

Do some people wander into the world of kink because of sexual abuse and trying to fill a void? I’m sure, but it’s not the majority.

I mean, aren’t we all healing from something? Looking for some fix?

I digress.

Speaking as a sexual abuse survivor, holding the control while not having control was and is an experience that can’t be put into words. Truly. It can’t. Most of my healing from sexual trauma has come from BDSM. Life’s irony.

As someone who is both a Domme and sub, I found healing in both roles.

BDSM is demonized because folks just don’t understand what they view as such an extreme act, but that is only because they are not willing to let themselves go; they fear the pleasure, the pain, the excitement, the unknown, the release, the moment right before orgasm and your Dom tells you to stop.

They don’t know any of that, because they are scared.

Am I suggesting that everyone partake in this lifestyle? Absolutely not, but I do believe that society as a whole is oppressed sexually.

People are scared of sex, they think of it as an obligation in a relationship, or to have children. Why can’t it be to have fun or to heal, or both?

There are a million reasons why people have sex, and just as many reasons why people will not liberate themselves sexually.

A sexually liberated Woman is a whore, a slut, she is broken, she is damaged…….those are just a few stereotypes off the top of my head.

It is because of this that many Women stray away from having multiple partners, or from telling their partner what they want, what they like and don’t like, and it is also why so many Women do not reach orgasm from sex alone.

On the other hand we have Men, and if a man sleeps with numerous partners he is “THE MAN!” or “being a man” or he is given props by his peers. The patriarchy and their hypocrisy at its finest.

Equality, people, equality.

Sex is a Sacred act, you are literally sharing your life essence with another human being, and while one night stands, and random fucks are fun, they get old, they can potentially drain us, and we are left taking on the weight of our partner’s demons if we are not selective with our choices.

Sex is about pleasure, but it is also about connection, about intimacy, about primal and animalistic instincts; transcending above this physical plane because in that moment we can escape.

I want to say the most important lesson out of this whole piece: THE SUB HAS ALL THE CONTROL.

The Domme/Dom is merely playing a role to please the sub, thus pleasing Her/Him self.

In a healthy BDSM relationship there is first, and foremost consent. It’s abuse if there is no consent. Period.

You have to go over the rules with your partner, what is allowed, what is not allowed, what do you like, what you have tried, what you want to try etc. etc.

There is sometimes an actual written contract, and the relationship itself can be romantic, or strictly about the sexual aspect, which in reality is so much more than sex.

I am not trying to get people to subject themselves to this lifestyle if they are not comfortable. I am simply trying to arm people with information gained by lived experience, own their sexuality, own their pleasure, own their pain.

Trusting someone to the point that you are willing to be bound, punished and pleased, only to be taken care of before and after by those very same hands is why BDSM is so Sacred.

It is a true partnership built on trust, respect and communication.

Since when are those bad qualities to have in a sexual or romantic partnership?

Lost in my Thoughts: A Glimpse into the Mind of Madness

Tina Yu

Image: Tina Yu

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.”

August Wilson

There has been much on my mind lately, I have been carrying a lot of weight, for an endless amount of reasons. This time of year is always weird and overwhelming for me; the closer we come to October, the thinner the veil, and the more sensitive I seem to be to the outside world. For those who have read my work in the past on Dear Wicked you know that spirits seem to come to me in droves to seek some sort of redemption, or pass to the other side during the month of October, as crazy as it sounds. For some reason, the visits are happening now, as oppose to 3 weeks from now.

This year has definitely been one that many tales in old age will be based on.

Besides the fact that spirits are freely coming into my dreams, and attempting to come into my home, I have been overcome by a deep, soul wrenching sadness. This is a pain unlike anything I have felt before, and it has thrown me and my routine completely off. I am drained beyond measure, and using any, and every back up resource of energy to just keep going.

It was during a conversation with my chosen kin Brother that I learned the pain I am feeling is coming from Syria, and the destruction that is currently happening to all the temples. Just this past week ISIL blew to pieces the Temple of Bel. It was not until my Brother reminded me that this place that is seeing so much bloodshed, so much pain, war and destruction is our motherland, our holy land, a place that we all come from.

For me, I have strong Soul connections to Mesopotamia, and the nightmares of past lives I have been having are almost surely because of what is going on over there currently, in the modern day. I will link you to the full story at the bottom.

The situation begs the question, why are they choosing specific ancient temples to destroy? What are they trying to hide? Who told them to do it?

All rhetorical questions, obviously, because I know the answers, and I hope that you do, too.

So, I have spirits visiting, and there is a terrorist group destroying priceless, ancient artifacts for fun. (Among a wide array of horrific atrocities being committed by them.)


Then I read an article about sea life, and other animals on the West Coast who are washing ashore, or being observed as being delirious, disoriented and having convulsions. Only two theories here, Fukushima radiation, or the sonic blasts our military does off the coast(s). There is a link for this story as well at the bottom, if you wish to read for yourself.

It seems the world has turned into a shit show, and that says a lot because it has been a shit show for at least 10 years now. What will it take for humanity, as a collective to finally wake up and see all the distractions right before their eyes? We have become nothing but a consumerist society, blinded by fake wars, covering up the real ones, and spewing lies of “Gods and Monsters” (an apt description for the visual I am going for.)

We are supposed to be kept in fear, a fearful herd is a distracted herd.

While on this topic of herds, you know people always call the masses “sheep”, even I used to call the masses sheep. Then I realized, sheep are in a herd for safety, for comfort, they have a well-built social structure that runs effectively, I mean, I think to call the masses sheep, is an insult to sheep.

The stronger the herd, the less likely they are to fall prey to the wolves; humans fall prey to wolves of a different variety every single day, and most walk to slaughter willingly, and blissfully unaware.

I think there is no comparison to the human herd mentality, we as a species have become THAT lost, THAT blinded, THAT fucking stupid.

Our future generation is strong in numbers, and could be an invaluable asset to change the fabric of society but a majority of them are caught up in Instagram likes, and YouTube fame that they can’t be bothered with what Bernie Sanders is doing, or what the GOP wishes to do. They fail to see that not voting in attempt to protest is having the adverse effect of what they wish to achieve; revolution.

You can’t change shit when you surrender, you can’t change shit when you remain silent.

You see? My mind is heavy.

I often wonder when I get like this, semi-manic, completely introverted, lost in my Abyss, if anyone else does this. Does anyone else know the freedom, the reward of allowing yourself to go mad for a bit? To go into the deepest part of your mind in attempts to reach the collective unconscious, but instead you detour off only to reach a grand place where there are endless epiphanies?

Because, if no one else does this, if no one else on this fucking wretched but painfully beautiful planet doesn’t allow themselves to go mad, like this, like me, then what am I fighting for?

What is left TO fight for?

It is in the moments of insanity, that one can gain so much clarity. 

Have people become afraid of their minds? Of themselves? Of what they are capable of?

Have we lost sight of the individual while trying to seek unity?

Any unity we attempt is doomed to fail if the unity is not a group of individuals freely choosing to work together, put aside differences and “get shit done”. Otherwise it is considered forced unity, where the individual is lost; a forced sense of oneness will only lead to resentment, and rebellion (not the good kind).

Break free from your cage, face your demons, and find your truth then jump down the rabbit hole, there is nothing left to lose and everything to gain.