Image: Bruno Dayan
“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.”
I am going to venture into new territory here, and I hope that I do this piece justice, and represent the community in a positive way. My intentions are to evoke thought, and bring about discussion regarding a very taboo topic; I am referring to BDSM.
At this point you are probably wondering why I have taken on this topic, why I have strayed off my usual Occult/Magick/Awakening topics to write about a sexual fetish; all I can say is that it’s passed time for someone to take this head on from a spiritual aspect, and bring forth a new way of thinking. I am not necessarily saying I am that person(s), but man do I hope to be one of them.
It seems that in the last 3 years since the release of E.L James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey” book and movie series that everyone has an opinion without really knowing any truth behind it. I want to clear things up because besides the fact that I am part of this community, people believe that this book series is an accurate portrayal of what it is to be in a consenting Dom/Sub relationship, but also because in recent months my fellow enlightened community seems to think that sex with a bit of kink is no longer Sacred, it is no longer spiritual. I just want to take this time to say that the pairing portrayed in Fifty Shades of Grey is an abusive, possessive relationship, and that is the furthest thing from what BDSM really is.
The truth is, BDSM is the most sacred form of sex you can have, above Tantra, above making love with passion and fire, above fucking; it is in the freedom of trusting your partner so deeply that you are putting your well-being, quite literally, in their hands and trusting them not to hurt you. Once your ability to make decisions for yourself has been taken away, your mind will venture into new territory, you do not have to worry about this position, or that sensation; the Dom controls it all for you.
You will feel sensations you never thought you had before, your mind will be pushed to its absolute limit and beyond, you will find that what is painful is a release and in that release there is pleasure.
You will finally understand what it means to own your Will, to live your Will, to find pleasure in your Will. The line between pain and pleasure is almost non-existent and once you go past a certain point in your mind, in your psyche you will suddenly feel the freedom, ecstasy and a natural high that cannot be compared to anything in this world.
Before I go further, let me define what BDSM is:
“The term BDSM is made from 3 pairs of words:
Bondage and Discipline
Dominance and Submission
Sadism and Masochism
“These words describe a wide collection of activities that fall under the umbrella of BDSM – and cover a whole range of relationships between two or more people, from casual, or one off situations, to more permanent arrangements.”
There is a common misconception that Women who engage in BDSM have low self-esteem or that we have been abused, are trying to fill a void in ourselves, or that we are actually being abused in the relationship; none of that is true, not in a healthy partnership at least. Do some people wander into the world of kink because of sexual abuse and trying to fill a void? I’m sure, but it’s not the majority.
Even if it was, sometimes it can be very healing to a sexual abuse survivor to hold the control while not having to make any decisions in the moment; I say this because I am a sexual abuse survivor, I don’t know if that has anything to do with my interest in this lifestyle, I don’t know how much it has affected my decisions when it comes to sex, from a psychological stand point alone I know that, yes it plays a role.
BDSM is demonized because so many people don’t understand what they view as such an extreme act, but that is only because they are not willing to let themselves go; they fear the pleasure, the pain, the excitement, the moment right before orgasm and your Dom tells you to stop.
They don’t know any of that, because they are scared.
Am I suggesting that everyone partake in this lifestyle? Absolutely not, but I do believe that society as a whole is oppressed sexually. People are scared of sex, they think of it as an obligation in a relationship, or to have children, there are a million reasons why people have sex, and just as many reasons why people will not liberate themselves in the bedroom.
A sexually liberated Woman is a whore, a slut, she is broken, she is damaged…….those are just a few stereotypes off the top of my head. It is because of this that many Women stray away from having multiple partners, or from telling their partner what they want, what they like and don’t like, it is also why so many Women do not reach orgasm from sex alone.
On the other hand we have the man and if he sleeps with numerous partners he is “being a man” or he is given props by his peers. The Patriarchy and their hypocrisy at its finest.
Equality, people, equality.
Sex is a sacred act, you are literally sharing your life essence with another human being, and while one night stands, and random fucks are fun, they get old, they can potentially drain us, and we are left taking on the weight of our partner’s demons if we are not selective with our choices. Sex is about pleasure, but it is also about connection, about intimacy, about animalistic instincts, and transcending above this physical plane because in that moment we can escape.
I want to say the most important lesson out of this whole piece: THE SUB HAS ALL THE CONTROL, the Dom is merely playing a role to please the Sub, thus pleasing him/her self. In a healthy BDSM relationship there is first, and foremost consent–It is abuse if there is no consent, period.
You have to go over the rules with your partner, what is allowed, what is not allowed, what do you like, what you have tried, what you want to try etc. etc. There is sometimes an actual written contract, and the relationship itself can be romantic, or strictly about the sexual aspect, which in reality is so much more than sex.
You see I am not trying to get people to subject themselves to this lifestyle if they are not comfortable, I am simply trying to get people to own their sexuality, own their pleasure, own their pain.
Trusting someone to the point that you are willing to be bound, punished and pleased, only to be taken care of after by those very same hands is why BDSM is so Sacred. It is a true partnership built on trust, respect and communication.
Since when are those bad qualities to have in a sexual or romantic partnership?
To research the topic: