“4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”
I write about my experience as an insomniac often, it is actually during these times that I figure the most out about myself, about my life, my feelings, and things to come. The trouble with insomnia mixed with a dash of Divine madness is that the insomniac is a tight rope walker, and at any given time can drop and fall into a pit of emotions that one was not quite ready, or equipped to deal with. I think being able to function after an entire night awake, or even several nights awake; as is the case with me, is an art form. I truly mean that, when I tell people, especially my Doctor’s how long I stay up the looks on their faces are priceless. The response is always the same, “I don’t know how you do it.”
Because I don’t have a choice.
It really is that simple, as much as I love my time awake, I would love to be able to sleep once in a while. It has gotten to the point where I am finally willing to undergo the sleep study to prove to my Doctor that it is not sleep apnea. I have none of the symptoms of sleep apnea or of being distressed during sleep. I do not have high blood pressure (I did at one time, though), I do not have circles or bags under my eyes, I do not snore, I do not wake up gasping for air—because I don’t fall asleep! I don’t have excess inflammation in my body, I have had the tests done. There, literally, is no medical reason for me staying awake.
I just do. I just am.
I think being awake and staying awake are two different things, though. I am awake, I don’t even get tired anymore, and the 3 valerian root I take at bedtime do nothing anymore for sleep, although they do help with my anxiety. I take tinctures, and drink herbal teas. I meditate, and have even tried to masturbate, and still no sleep comes. So I finally just surrender to it, and since I surrendered I am much less stressed over not sleeping. I think once you accept something, it just is, there is no need to worry about it because it is already figured out. You know?
I also think that awakened Souls, specifically Witches, Occultist’s and Seekers, vibrate on a different frequency than others, we are influenced by planetary shifts, and the moon phases. Why, you ask?
Because we have accepted that we are part of the Cosmos, that we are part of the grand scheme of things, and that this life, this current experience is but a blip on the radar, a literal, moment in time.
I think acceptance is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves; the hardest, but the greatest.
When I was a teenager my Mom told me something that has never left my mind, even when I didn’t understand the true meaning. She told me, “A great deal of life’s happiness comes from accepting what is, instead of dwelling on what isn’t.”
A truly profound statement reading it now, in my current mood, and mind frame. I knew the depth of the statement, but it wasn’t until I started to put it into practice that the full effect was seen and felt.
Last night was night number 4 with truly no sleep, and usually this would cause darkness, and a heavy emotional state, but this time it hasn’t. I have accepted that my body, my mind, just don’t want to sleep. I do miss my astral adventures, but I have found that the visions, and sight during the day have become much stronger. I think that is what they are trying to show me, they want me to focus on my other forms of sight, not just what I see on Astral.
Cue alarm bells in my head.
Before I went to sleep I sprayed my room with lavender, put the nighttime calming cream on, took my California Poppy tincture, drank my sleepytime tea, and took my 3 valerian root. For any normal person they would be knocked out, but for me, I lay awake for hours. My mind has stopped racing as much at night, and this is a recent development.
I just am there, awake, experiencing the world while everyone else sleeps. A surreal time, for anyone, but I feel particularly for me.
The entirety of last night was strange, it started when I checked NR’s Facebook page, and at 11:11 I received 999 likes. Now, I usually would smile at this, but it wasn’t funny last night. I feel defeated that I am just awake, doing nothing, feeling nothing, unable to process anything. I try to get up and write, or color, watch TV, read, something, anything, but nothing helps, I get bored and/or frustrated and the feeling of defeat comes over me, and I just surrender. When I surrender I feel their eyes, which in turn gives me an uneasy feeling because some of these eyes are not ones that I am used to, and as you guys know, I am not very welcoming to new guests.
Even still, I lay there last night tossing and turning until suddenly I had this intense urge to get up, “GET UP! GET UP! GET UP!” I heard from the darkness, and I felt an actual push on my back. I open my eyes expecting to feel something, or see something, but nothing was there. I checked the time, and kid you not, it was 3:33.
This same feeling happened when I got up at 6:03. It’s like an energy is pulling me, making me acknowledge these numbers. When I do there is nothing there, so I just acknowledge the Universe now, and say how grateful I am. I mean, what else is there to do?
As I sit here now, at 9:36, another powerful symbolic number, I feel like I am existing in two places, like a piece of me is somewhere else. I can see her, hear her, feel her, and whatever she is doing is causing a huge vibration, a shift in my current consciousness. The weird thing about all of this though, is I am calm, I am not anxious, or frustrated. My emotions have not even plummeted into the darkness, which is usually the case.
I’m just here.
If you would like to read about any numbers mentioned: