A Moment of Gratitude…

Jill Willcott

Image: Jill Willcott

“At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets.”

Steve Maraboli

Some of you may know the story of The Nephilim Rising, and others may not. I am currently experiencing some major positive changes (finally) and I just need to take a moment and talk about this full circle moment; the moment when seeds begin to sprout and blossoms are soon to follow.

I found Dear Wicked in 2013, and I was at my weakest point in my life thus far. I was met by the Mothering, Powerful, Succubi energy that is C, and she forever changed my life. It was like I found home, and through endless conversations late at night we became friends, then Sisters, and she saw my potential.

She told me from the very beginning that the true test of a Teacher is to have a Student who is stronger than they are; she said that person was going to be me. At the time the whole idea seemed so far-fetched (still does) and I am not one who feeds into ideas of power–if you say you are, you aren’t. But, to have a Crone, a mentor, the first intimidating Witch I had really ever come across tell me something like that, it planted a seed inside me, and she knew it.

I, however, did not know until tonight, until right now; as I write this pieces still forming and connecting.

Let’s fast forward to December of 2014 when, in an act of rebellion during one of my famous tantrums I started this blog and the Facebook page. It was satisfying, at first, but then reality set in and all I could think was, “fuck, I am running a page and blog now– I am not only running a page and blog, but apparently my ego got to me and I have a point to prove, too.”

Well, in case you were wondering, you are never rewarded when trying to prove a point; it will always backfire.

And, so it did.

I struggled at first, I was met with a lot of haters and people who were chomping at the bit to “take a bite out of Noir” but I stood there and I took it. I may have reacted more times than I wanted to, I may have made an ass of myself a few too many times, but I stood my ground.

Some of the darkest moments of my entire life have coincided with me being a public figure, for lack of a better term. My readership has bared witness to a true personal testimony of what it means to have a spiritual awakening, find your power, and walk the Left Hand Path.

It is because of the page and this blog that I am going to be an Author– a real published Author. When the world is filled with writers galore, many self-publishing, it is no big deal, it seems, to be published.

To me, it’s everything. It’s the only thing.

The bar is much higher now, though.  It’s about adding new ideas, flavor, quantity, what best seller lists you make, or just pure fucking epic talent. A writer must consistently deliver and always be at their best level.

The problem is most writers don’t go past their personal best, so they remain stagnant—comfortable. As my Editor said a few days ago, “It is not in the Luciferian Nature to remain stagnant”.

I guess once again my free thinking Philosophy has helped me in life.

Let’s face it, I am not the best writer and my grammar at times even makes me cringe, but I grow, I evolve, and I continue to work on my Crafts: Magick and Writing, some say they are one in the same, I happen to agree.

Recently I found out that Black Moon Publishing is going to publish the book that myself and fellow Rebels wrote titled Lucifer: Light of the Aeon.

My Chapters feature images by some amazingly talented Women. I am honored to be using their Magickally infused Art to help tell my story, and convey a message to the reader. Thank you, Isis GraywoodLupe Vasconcelos and Orlee Andromedae. Also, one of my Chapters includes a poem by the talented Magenta Nero.

To say that I am grateful, and humbled to be among the talent I am, would be an understatement. I am in the company of Artists, Writers, Witches and Sages that are so Wise beyond my years; the blessing does not go unseen by me.

I don’t consider myself special, although sometimes I know that I am (Capricorn Rising talking) I just think of myself as someone who is living, breathing, and burning entirely, freely and openly in their truth.

That is the key to my success: being true to me no matter the cost.

Even when it was unpopular, particularly when it is unpopular, even when I came under fire, even when I was stuck in the darkest of dark’s, I vowed to remain true to myself, and now that Jupiter has gone direct my hard work is literally paying off and manifesting right before my eyes.

Apparently I made some kind of impression because my Editor has asked me to be part of another possible book project.

I stand here in the deepest of gratitude for the abundance and prosperity in my life and to think, it’s all because I decided to take a leap of faith.

I am living proof that a little rebellion, living your truth and good ol’ fashion hard work can and does pay off.

The page reached 17,000 likes this evening, and it is at this point just completely surreal. I created NR because I wanted and needed a sanctuary; it just so happens 17,000 people decided to join me. I am so grateful for all of you who share this journey with me.

Thank you.

I’m just getting warmed up.

The Mind Killer

Christine Muraton

Image: Christine Muraton

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Frank Herbert


It’s funny how life comes in waves, it’s like one day there is calm, boredom, a moment of surrender, then suddenly you are thrown into a vortex—spinning out of control.

I knew change was coming, I have felt it down to my bones for months, but for some reason the change was taunting me, or perhaps I just wasn’t ready to accept it wholly into my life; either way it’s here now.

I have crossed the point of no return, and I am fucking terrified.

A few weeks ago I was put in contact with a Woman who ended up not being, shall we say, as professional as she should have been, if it was not for my intuition making me message my old English teacher (the one I wrote about a few months ago) I would have fell victim to a scam.

The one good thing that came out of that whole situation was it gave me the confidence and courage to keep moving forward, if I could have an hour long conference call and handle it like a boss, surely I can continue to push forward on my path following my dreams. I didn’t let my anxiety get the best of me, and I didn’t ignore my inner voice telling me that something was wrong.

I jumped in with the sharks, and I survived.

I was discouraged, and a bit hesitant though, and to say that I wasn’t would be a flat out lie; I want nothing more than to be an author. I want to see my work in print on the pages of a bound book, I want my message to reach the masses, I want to make waves, and imprint my name into the cosmos themselves.

I don’t care about money, although I would like to be able to make some kind of living from this, but just doing it, just knowing people are reading my work is payment enough. I keep saying “I want to be a writer”—reality is, I AM a writer, and I don’t need my words published in a book to validate that title.

Last week I happened to notice there was a message in my ‘other’ folder on Facebook, I have my personal account kind of on lockdown. I opened it and there was a message from a woman who had been shown my blog and she wanted me to write a piece on Luciferianism for her magazine; I jumped at the opportunity.

After sending her my completed piece, and her sending it back to me with a few small edits, and graphics attached, I was blown away. Is this real life? To see my name in print underneath and article about Luciferianism was surreal, and it still is. (I will let you know when it comes out.)

After a few messages back and forth she let me know about a project she is working on, a book that is a collection of work from several authors about Lucifer, and the Luciferian Philosophy. Then she asked if I wanted to join, if I wanted to contribute to her book.

Pump. The. Breaks.

“Me? She wants me to contribute to her book?” is all that I could hear in my head.

Like she even had to ask I thought as I typed a strong YES!

I knew in that moment that even though one door slammed in my face, another seemingly invisible one opened up; how cliché. Everything I have ever wanted is here, right here, knocking at my door, begging me to let the dreams manifest before my eyes.

But, I’m scared, I’m scared I am not good enough, I’m scared that every one of those writers is better than I, and has had more exposure than me and my blog. I am scared I will embarrass myself, or make myself vulnerable, just to be disappointed again.

It doesn’t really matter why I am scared, fear is fear and this fear could crush my dreams before they even get a chance to come to life, dreams that I have fought to keep alive.

You know what though, I have made it this far and I am just fine. I have built this blog from the ground up, as well as the fb page, and I seem to get a pretty good response to my writing.

My writing, my ranting, my madness, my individuality, my flavor, my sass, my venom, all of it seems to resonate with people. So, yeah, I may not know every grammar rule there is, and I probably destroy punctuation rules, too, but I am doing it, I am going after what feeds my Soul. How many people can say that?

I am chasing my dreams with a passion not seen before, and there is no room for fear in this world of mine. I have to let the voices of doubt motivate me, challenge me, and push me to the next level.

I earned this, I continue to earn this, and no one can take that from me.

Not even fear, because I, too, am a shark.

In-To-Me-I-See (Intimacy)

Celebrations of Sensuality by Artfold

Image: Dani Fehr (ArtofDan)

“It is when you lose sight of yourself, that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon.”

C.JoyBell C.


Last week’s full moon in Capricorn has completely shifted my life, in every way possible. I normally am effected in a negative way during this time of the month, which I call my “lunar menses”. I guess since I no longer have my period, the Universe had to give me something to fill the void. This time around though I was reflective, introverted and blocked. As I sit here and write this I am still battling to break through the blockage. Only a writer will understand what it’s like to battle with oneself, a conflict that is never ending but without it, we die.

I think we all can benefit from moments of self-reflection, only when we see ourselves clearly can we begin to see anyone else. I have always seen myself, I have always seen who I was and who I wanted to be, I never needed definition, or approval from others; I have always been self-sufficient.  In recent months I have lost my independence, my sass, my attitude, my voice, my heart, my passion..

I lost myself. I lost the very traits that make me, me.

I lose myself when I become comfortable, when I neurotically attempt to control the chaos. Nothing good has ever come from being comfortable, though; a motto I once held in life, in love, in sex, in my career, everything. That piece of me seems to have drifted off into some netherworld, and I so desperately need to get it back.

I had an epiphany of sorts on Monday, and it was in a vulnerable moment in the bathroom, after my shower that I realized I needed to find myself, and it was becoming an urgent matter. I have to take the leap off the cliff and trust in myself, and my wings, to get me to my next destination in life. I thought I had everything planned out, but it looks like I am going to be rerouting my path.

I had taken a hot shower because my Kundalini was acting up, as it has been doing for a few weeks. It was business as usual: get out of the shower, wrap my hair in one towel and the other to dry myself off and wrap around me while I do whatever else needs to be done. Sounds harmless enough, normal enough, right?

Except the towel began to fall, in my bathroom, where only I was, in a house where it was only me, and I grabbed that towel like my life depended on it.

What the fuck?

The thing is, I am not a prude, a naked body does not bother me; my naked body does not bother me, hell, I sleep naked. Something else was going on here, and I was going to get to the bottom of it.

After I had done my little kung fu move to avoid facing my nakedness, I purposely dropped my towel and I stood there in the mirror and forced myself to look at my naked body, a body that has been through so, so much.

I sat there and traced my scars, and caressed my imperfections, I got a good look at the ink on my skin that I never pay enough attention to, and then I forced myself to look deep within.

The tears began to fall, and they fell with a vengeance. I was full on “ugly cry” in my bathroom within a few minutes.

How could this have happened? How did it happen? What was I going to do to change it?

The answer is I didn’t lose myself on the account of anyone else, I lost myself because I was too caught up dealing with everyone else, along with the problems of the world that I forgot to deal with me. I disobeyed my number rule, which is to always self-preserve.

It’s easy to blame other people, but I can only blame myself. If anyone was allowed to affect me, or change, define or confine me (you guys know that is my favorite saying because definitions do confine) then it’s because I let them. People can only cage me if I walk willingly through the door. Again, I have no one to blame but myself.

On the full moon I did a little bit of grounding work, and then I sat in my room naked with incense lit, candles burning, and in the depths of darkness I waited, and waited, and waited some more. After about 2 hours of waiting, I heard her, faintly, but she was there. Then the warm sensation began, it was coming from my Heart Chakra, then slowly rising up through my Crown.

I could hear my inner voice starting to come back quietly then slowly increasing intensity. I sat and meditated for hours and became acquainted with my inner self and my body once again. I allowed the two to become one on their own accord. I got up and put some music on and began dancing in my room, it was inhibited at first, I had to keep reminding myself that I need to claim “me” back, my sensuality, my sexuality, and in this moment I need to let my body move freely to the music; I need my body to flow like water. And, so it did.

It was an intense, emotionally powerful, and extremely profound moment for me. I feel one again, I feel like all my pieces have been put in place, and all the words I was holding back from my loved ones have been brought to the table. I feel so much lighter, I feel so much clearer, and now that I have her back, even though it is an ongoing process, I will never let her go again.

I am my best lover.

The Bee’s Knees

irving penn - bee 1995

Image: Irving Penn

“The bee’s life is like a magic well: the more you draw from it, the more it fills with water”

Karl Von Frisch


We aren’t granted many full circle moments in life, and I myself have only had two that I can readily recall. I think that for a seeker, or anyone really, having a déjà vu moment, or a moment where the entire Universe seems to have aligned itself upon your arrival is what our quest is all about. It doesn’t matter if it is a certain turning point, situation, choice or change, it’s like the Universe is opening up for us, blossoming, welcoming us home while encouraging us to test our wings out.

This, my friends, is what I believe just happened to me.

Before I get into the meaty part of this post I want to say that I stopped writing about my dreams, and visions because after I was criticized for my writing, I became discouraged. I am not ashamed to say that, either. I think it takes a certain strength to admit such a vulnerable feeling like this, and I think it takes even more strength to do what I do: rip open my soul to bleed through my words.

I felt unworthy because I allowed the words of another get into my head, but I learned a lesson in it all, and I was able to really think about myself, and my writing. The question I posed to myself was, “Why are Christians who have vision’s considered prophetic but any person, from any other belief is labeled “crazy”? Why do we accept one more than the other?

I know the answer, this is more rhetorical than literal. I am open to constructive criticism but when others start to reach the destructive form of criticism that is when I have a problem. I refuse to remain silent because of the judgements or opinions of another person, I have fought for too long to get to where I am to have some jackass stop me now.

I am a Seer, I have always seen, and I always will. I do not care to, or have to prove this to anyone. My visions are very much a part of my everyday life, and they make me who I am.

With all of this said, off my chest and cleared out of the way, I am going to now get to the point.

For a few months I was not sleeping well, then I got new pillows, new bedding, and a padded mattress cover, along with a mattress foam topper and needless to say I haven’t had any trouble sleeping since. Now that I have been able to get some sleep my dreams and visions have started again, not to mention my health and grumpiness have both improved immensely. It’s a journey, and I am still working out the kinks of incorporating my spiritual life, and philosophy into my mundane life; it’s a long process, but one that will pay off in the end.

During the months of no sleep I could feel how badly the other side was trying to contact me, and they were making their point with overwhelming number sequences. On June 23rd I had one of the most vivid visions to date.

I was in a garden that was as vast as the cosmos; it looked like flowers and trees just fell off the edge into Oblivion, the stars were so bright, so bold, and vibrant that I felt like I could just reach out and touch them. The aroma of flowers was intoxicating, and my nose tickled with the touch of pollen. There were all types of creatures, and Fae were flying about.

Then suddenly I heard someone call out, “Noir…” as if the voice itself faded into the wind, it continued in repetition a few more times and I followed the voice to a massive tree covered in bee hives, with swarms of bees all around it, and what can only be described as waterfalls of honey; an intimidating site, Astral or not.

I began to walk to the tree and I saw 6 different Archetypes of the Goddess all greeting me: Diana, Neith, Hekate, Baba Yaga, Inanna, and Celeste. I started walking closer to them as they lay in the shade under this cosmic tree, and a bee landed on my right hand, it was instinct to swat it. As I lifted my hand I saw the broken, dead body of a little bee, and Inanna made her way over to me, and said, “Bees are signs from us, they are sacred, they are the Divine feminine. Do not fear them, do not kill them. When in fear, be still, my child, forever, be still.” Then she touched my hand and the bee was fixed, and flew away. She said that humans and bees are much more connected than most think, and one simply cannot exist without the other.

I woke up the next morning with the smell of flowers still in my nose, and the first thing I did was look up symbolism of bees, and deities associated with bees. I was blown away at the information I found, but what blew me away even more was what happened while I was looking up this information; I was messaging back and forth with an admin of another page and he said to me in the middle of a conversation, that was definitely not about bees or my dream, “I am the bee keeper.”

I started to hear bells in my ears, and taste honey in my mouth; I knew in that moment that the Divine Feminine had heard my cries and she has come to take her claim back over my mind, body and soul.

Here is what I found…

“The Mother Goddess is the oldest deity in the archaeological record, and she is often manifested as a dancing Bee. In the ancient world, dancing Bees were special – the Queen Bee in particular, for she was the Mother Goddess – leader and ruler of the hive, and was often portrayed in the presence of adoring Bee Goddesses and Bee Priestesses.”

“Sumerian physicians considered honey to be a unique and vital medicinal drug. It has been suggested that the Sumerians invented Apitherapy, or the medical use of Honey Bee products such as honey, pollen, royal jelly, propolis and bee venom.”

“The ancient Egyptians also venerated bees.  The agricultural, nutritional, medicinal and ritualistic value of the Bee and its honey was important in Egypt from pre-dynastic times onwards, as demonstrated by the fact that King Menes, founder of the First Egyptian Dynasty, was called “the Beekeeper”; a title ascribed to all subsequent Pharaohs. Additionally, the Kings administration had a special office called the ‘Sealer of the Honey’, and Kings of Upper and Lower Egypt bore the title “he who belongs to the sedge and the bee”. An image of the Bee was even positioned next to the King’s cartouche.”

“The Egyptian Goddess Neith is the Bee/Mother Goddess.  She was a warrior goddess with fertility symbolism and virginal mother qualities; all attributes of the Mother Goddess – and the Queen Bee.”

“Neith was known as the Veiled Goddess, and thus the reference on her temple inscription to ‘lifting a veil’ is intriguing, for Bees are often called hymenoptera, stemming from the word hymen, meaning “veil winged”, representing that which concealed the holy parts of a temple, as well as the veil or hymen of a woman’s reproductive organ. Only later did the veiled wing become associated with the goddess Isis.”

“Hilda Ransome informs us; “The title Melissa, the Bee, is a very ancient one; it constantly occurs in Greek Myths, meaning sometimes a priestess, sometimes a nymph.” This is an important observation, for the tradition of dancing Bee goddesses appears to have been preserved in a form of Bee maidens known as Melissa’s – or nymphs, and Greek deities such as Rhea and Demeter were widely known to have held the title. Additionally, the Greeks frequently referred to ‘Bee-Souls’ and bestowed the title of ‘Melissa’ on unborn souls.”

Read more, here:

http://romancingthebee.com/2012/05/13/the-bee-as-symbol-of-the-divine-mother/

“We can gain clues to bee meaning by observing the hive. A bee’s home is made of tightly packed cells in the shape of hexagons. These cells are made from beeswax, and the structure as a whole is called honeycomb. The hexagonal cells of the honeycomb stores food, and is also an ideal place for bees to raise their young. I’d like to hone in on the hexagonal symbolism of the beehive/honeycomb. Hexagons are comprised of six sides. The number six is symbolic of love (six is a sacred number for the goddess Venus), communication, balance and union. So, regarding the home (hive), the bee is a symbol of wholesome child-rearing, love within the family, domestic stability, harmony and open communication among family members. When the bee visits us, it’s often a message for these family themes…an encouragement to open healthy communications within the family, reevaluate the home, and family. Bees remind us to focus on the nurturing of our family, community and support groups.”

“Bees continue to be a symbol of unified family when we learn about the queen. Worker bees elect a queen, and take special care of her until she matures. All the members of the hive work together to support the queen. They do this in order for the queen to insure new life, and continuation of the colony. This is symbolic of a family working together for the benefit of the group. It’s symbolic of teamwork too. The bee often comes to us when we need reminding that there is no “I” in “teamwork”. When the bee pays us a visit, we may need to self-evaluate. Are we more concerned with being “right” or having our own needs met than being concerned for our community? Bees in our awareness might be telling us to sacrifice our own needs or pride for the needs of others in our lives.”

“Bee meaning is connected with honey. Honey is a bi-product. Bees ingest flower nectar, partially digest it, and then regurgitate it within the comb. Not only is it used to feed baby bees, it’s uses in human history are phenomenally diverse. From sweeteners, to anti-bacterial agents to even embalming agents (Egyptian mummies), honey has been a prized product of bees for centuries. Symbolically, honey represents nourishment, reward, sweetness, sensuality and wealth. Honey is associated with gold in many myths and legends. This equates it to reward achieved after an arduous undertaking. As bees are ceaseless in productivity, the lesson translates to mean something like: With hard work, we earn the gold.”

“In Egypt, the bee was a symbol of royalty and power. This comes from the legend that the bee was born from the tears of Ra, who was an important sun god among ancient Egyptians. Furthermore, the ruler of Lower Egypt was often referred to as “He who belongs to the Bee.”

“Essene were a communal people who were devout to Judaism; they’re known for their role as keepers of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Essene priests were referred to as “bees” because of their integral role within the community, their tireless devotion to God and their faith. In effect, Essene priests were busy as bees keeping the spiritual wisdom within the community available and protected.”

“As a symbol of love, bee meaning was associated with Cupid during Renaissance paintings. Bees are depicted stinging Cupid, the god of love and desire. The artistic symbolism deals with the blindness of love, and leaping into passion without regard to consequence. Apparently, Cupid is often shown dipping into honey, without thought to potential danger of protective bees. The Renaissance lesson here is “Beware of love’s sting.”

Deities associated with bees:

Cybele: Greek mother goddess, to whom the bee represents fertility.

Diana: Roman nature goddess, to whom the bee represents continuation of life (pollination) and beauty.

Demeter: Greek earth goddess, to whom bee meaning deals with provision and harvest (honey) .

Krishna: Hindu god who, when the bee is depicted with the lotus, represents reincarnation.

Shiva: Hindu god who, when the bee is shown upon his forehead, means luck, transformation and peace.

Ra: Egyptian sun god, to whom the bee represents vision, creativity and wisdom.

Read more, here: http://www.whats-your-sign.com/bee-meaning.html

Tips for the Modern Witch

luis cardenas

Image: Luis Cardenas

“Like all magnificent things, it’s very simple.”

Natalie Babbitt


I have been receiving messages asking me about how formal Magick should be, and what my opinion is on formalities when dealing with my personal craft. I think the question is an interesting one, but I also think the question is a personal one. For me, I have learned the most about my own Philosophy and practice/craft from others. I like to tweak things a bit and make them my own, but I think we can learn a ton from each other. The greatest gift that we can give each other besides respect, is knowledge. We don’t have to agree, but planting the seed of thought alone can blossom into another branch of thought.

I want you to know that Magick is supposed to be personal, and yes formal Magick with rituals, drum circles, and fires are a beautiful sight but not all of us have ways to practice like this. I have seen other Witches feel down on themselves because they can’t practice with elaborate formalities.

I think it’s wrong, and I think the issue needs to be addressed.

First of all, we cannot compare ourselves to anyone, especially other Witches. Some of us were blessed to live in the woods, and have the gifts of nature and the freedom to dance under the moon light sky clad. While others were blessed to live in an urban jungle where we are forced to practice in cramped apartments, using our ingenuity. Some of us were blessed with having a deep rooted Pagan/Witch family, and are brought up in the craft. Some of us were blessed with having deep connections to Brothers and Sisters of Magick, and have found comfort, unity, and stability with a Coven.

None of these options are better, or worse than the other, we are all blessed, and we are all Witches. There should be no competition, no jealousy, and no betrayal within our community, the outside world has let us down enough.

So, with that said, my Magick is extremely informal, and it is 50% intuition, and 50% skill I have learned in my years of practice. I think sometimes my ancestors are rolling their eyes on the other side at just how informal my Magick is, I am sure I get a few eye rolls from the deities I work with, too.

My Magick has never been about ritual, just like my Philosophy has never been about worship. I do not necessarily wait for a Moon Phase if I need to cast, if the spell can wait until a particular phase that would be suited for my needs, I will wait, but if it is something that needs to be handled: a person, situation, binding, manifesting, whatever it may be, I will go by my own will, my own heart and my own senses.

I do not cast a traditional circle, and I do use Spirits in almost all of my workings. But, I do not need protection from deities to practice, I use them because it makes me feel better at times when they are there. It is my opinion that if you can only cast under the protection of guardians, or guides then you shouldn’t be practicing Magick at all.

I do not have a bunch of fancy tools, I have what I am drawn to. So, let me give you some examples of the items I personally always have on hand.

I like to represent life, and death. I have plants in my room to represent life, and I have dried flowers, feathers from birds (living and dead), nails from a coffin (circa the 1800’s) both rusty and in good condition (rusty nails are a prime ingredient for War Water)–rusty nails from a coffin are an even better option for this water.

So, for that simple fact alone, I keep them handy. All of these items represent an aspect of death. I also have bones, and a pair of antlers on the way.

Moon water is also always on hand, this is water that has been charged by moonlight. You add coarse sea salt to it, I like pink Himalayan salt better, personally. I also have a few vials that have rose petals inside, and others with specific herbs for specific purposes. I think Moon water aka Witches Holy Water is a great tool, and you can even put it inside of a spray bottle, and use it as a way to cleanse a space. Works great for kids, or a modern Witch who doesn’t like fuss.

Herbs are a another simple, and easy tool to have. When I started working with herbs, it was a slow process; I now grow my own, and even forage at times, or I will buy locally.

At first though, to get the herbs I needed for my Magickal stock I went to the grocery store, and a farmer’s market. Most grocery stores sell rosemary, thyme, basil, sage, lavender and many others right in the produce section, just make sure it is labeled ‘certified organic’.

When you bring it home, tie a piece of thread or yarn at the base of the stems, and hang them upside down for a few days so that they can dry out. I store my dried herbs in mason jars; some are antique mason jars, but some are from Target, they are 2 for $1 there. Can’t beat a bargain.

Another thing I always have on hand is resin, and incense. I am new to burning resin, but nothing has cleared my home better. I like frankincense, myrrh, dragon’s blood, damaru pattu, and benzoin. With these particular resin’s it is easy to create my own, too.

As for incense sticks, Nag Champa is a necessity, but it must be the blue box, anything else is overwhelming, and like a strong, obnoxious perfume.

Some other random tools I like to always have on hand are dragon’s blood ink, essential oils, a mirror for scrying, along with multiple pendulum’s, multiple tarot decks, mortar and pestle, sage: both loose, and in stick form, sea shells, candles: white and black, and a few colors: red, pink, yellow, green, and orange, flying ointments, banishing salt, a broom (mine is a small besom) Witches Ball, Witch bells and of course crystals.

I think crystals are my favorite part of my Magick. I enchant each of the pieces I wear, so along with the metaphysical properties of the crystal, I have my own Power amplifying the energy. I have crystals throughout my home, and bedroom, too. Some even have sigils draw on them, simple yet effective.

Some of my personal favorites are Jet, Labradorite, Yellow Jasper, Black Tourmaline, Selenite, Moonstone, Citrine, Sodalite, Lapis Lazuli, Amethyst, Apache Tear, Obsidian (all kinds, really), Celestite, Emerald, Garnet, Kyanite, Nuummite, Smoky and Tourmilinated Quartz.

Crystals are a great tool, and can be worn on the body, put in your purse/man bag, put in your car, under your pet’s bed (as long as you know they will not eat it). I mean, the possibilities are endless with crystals and for me, nothing makes me feel safer than an enchanted piece of jewelry.

I do suggest starting with some easier to handle stones than the ones I mentioned, and I also would suggest The Crystal Bible by Judy Hall. I personally have both of her bibles, but you really only need the first. It will tell you what crystals do what, and how to cleanse and care for them. It also goes over geodes, tumbled, and raw, and what the differences are. I highly recommend this book for any, and all crystal lovers, newbie or advanced.

I do not have formal rituals robes, a huge ornate altar, or a place I can go be one with nature; I live in an urban jungle, I must adapt to my surroundings, bring the Magick to me, and look for the little gifts from nature like sticks, flowers, and rocks that present themselves to me.

Magick is its most potent, most powerful when it is personal, true, and real to YOU.

Don’t compare, and don’t conform.

Blessed are the Witches.

The Origins of ‘Destiny’

Matt

Image: Matt Forsythe

“There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…”

John Lennon


Inspiration happens in its own time, and it usually occurs during random conversations, and endless banter between friends. I like to bounce ideas off people, or have people bounce their ideas off me. I enjoy hearing different opinions, and perspectives on all aspects of life, especially Philosophy. It has been my experience that I am usually the catalyst but to my surprise on Friday night, I found myself to be the receptor.

This young man found his way to me a few months ago, and we have had a few conversations, but nothing like this. I usually don’t find myself actually wanting to sit and talk to people in private messages, not like I have something better to do, or think that I am better, I just don’t like forced conversation, or small talk. I guess this is a bit selfish of me, in fact, I know it is. My inbox is usually full of messages from people, and I answer them in my own time, which is not how I should be, but it’s how I am.

I don’t know why I felt the need to even begin the conversation, there was no real topic, it was kind of like two minds who couldn’t sleep were just bouncing conspiracies, belief’s, experiences and feelings off of each other. His mind is a delightfully deep place, he is neither light nor dark but an all-encompassing energy, he has a bit of everything. Which, for someone like me, draws me in like a moth to light.

I am intrigued by people who have not taken sides, who have not chosen a specific path, and they are kind of forging their own, quite literally. He also identifies with both genders, and there is a clear divide between a strong feminine, and masculine energy. The funny thing is he has found almost a perfect balance, there is no battling between sides going on.

So in the midst of talking about reptilians, Archon’s, Anunnaki and every conspiracy relating to them, we also discussed the possibility of Yahweh or Allah being the true “Satan” (the cliché evil entity that wreaks havoc on the world). I mean, we covered all bases, every concept that could be discussed, some were utterly ridiculous, but others blossomed ideas in my head. We got onto the topic of destiny, and if I believe things are pre-determined, or the whole “everything happens for a reason”.

Do I believe everything happens for a reason? No. Do I believe that some omniscient God has determined my path? No. Do I believe some things happen no matter what? Yes.

The ultimate paradox.

Before I even had time to think of the answer I had already hit send with my response, and as I read it, I became conflicted with myself. As a theistic Luciferian, walker of the LHP, we tend to think we are our own web weavers, and only we have that power. I do believe I weave my own web, and I believe that everyone has this ability, and often ignore it but, I believe that some things are truly going to happen no matter what. There may not be one clear pre-destined path to get to this point, but some things: events, relationships, dreams, goals, jobs, etc. are just “meant to be”. I don’t know who I believe is in charge of this, and part of me thinks maybe it is another version of ourselves guiding us, maybe from a parallel place, or perhaps another life. I am still figuring that part out for myself. I know I definitely don’t think it is “God”.

So this weekend was spent going over the conversation, and challenging my own philosophy. It led me to wonder, where did the idea of destiny originally come from? Was it really the Greeks? Do Christians, and other Abrahamic religions have their own version of this, or have they diluted this, too?

I am a Seeker, and found some answers, so I am going to share them with you.

The concept of destiny: noun: The events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future: The hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate, first appeared with the Greeks, and of course there was a Roman equivalent.

“The Moerae are the three sisters who decide on human fate: Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropus. They sing in unison with the music of the Sirens, weavers of fate, although the Moerae are 3, Fate is 1.”

“The Goddess of Necessity, Themis, brought forth three lovely daughters, known as the Moirai (Fates). All living things must eventually submit to these divine daughters of Zeus and Themis. Their names are: Klotho (Clotho), Lakhesis (Lachesis) and Atropos. Klotho spins the thread of life, Lakhesis determines the length of the thread and Atropos cuts the thread when the proper time has come for death.”

“The Fates also called the Moerae or the Parcae, determined when life begins, when it ends, and what happens in between. They were made up of three Sisters: Clotho, who appeared as a maiden and spun the thread of life. Her name meant The Spinner Lachesis, who appeared as a matron and measured the thread of life. She was the Caster of lots. Atropos, who cut the thread of life, and appeared as a crone. Her name meant, Unbending Though the smallest of the three, she is the most terrible. In Greek mythology, the white-robed Moirae or Moerae (in Greek Μοῖραι — the “apportioners”, often called the Fates) were the personifications of destiny (Roman equivalent: Parcae, “sparing ones”, or Fata; also equivalent to the Germanic Norns). They controlled the metaphorical thread of life of every mortal and immortal from birth to death (and beyond). Even the gods feared the Moirae. Zeus also was subject to their power, as the Pythian priestess at Delphi once admitted. The Greek word moira (μοῖρα) literally means a part or portion, and by extension one’s portion in life or destiny. The three Moirae were:

“Clotho (pronounced in English [‘kləʊθəʊ], Greek Κλωθώ — “spinner”) spun the thread of life from her distaff onto her spindle. Her Roman equivalent was Nona, (the ‘Ninth’), who was originally a goddess called upon in the ninth month of pregnancy.”

“Lachesis ([‘lækəsɪs], Greek Λάχεσις — “allotter” or drawer of lots) measured the thread of life with her rod. Her Roman equivalent was Decima (the ‘Tenth’).”

“Atropos ([‘ætrəpɒs], Greek Ἄτροπος — “inexorable” or “inevitable”, literally “unturning”, sometimes called Aisa) was the cutter of the thread of life. She chose the manner of a person’s death. When she cut the thread with “her abhorrèd shears”, someone on Earth died. Her Roman equivalent was Morta (a name apparently borrowed from the Greek Μόрτη Mortē “destiner”; not to be confused with the minor Roman god Mors “Death”).”

“The Moirae were supposed to appear three nights after a child’s birth to determine the course of its life. It is difficult to separate them from the Norns, the similar age-old fates, older than the gods, of a separate Indo-European tradition.”

  1. The Fates
  2. The Norns
  3. Moirai
  4. Three Sisters – (Also name to the three mountains “The Three Sisters” in Oregon)
  5. Weird Sisters – (Another name for both the “Fates” and “Norns”) – Anglo-Saxon Mythology
  6. Wyrd Sisters – (see “Weird Sisters”) – Anglo-Saxon
  7. Sisters of weird – (see “Weird Sisters”)
  8. Maiden from Giantland
  9. Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos (Greek Mythology)
  10. Wyrd, Urlverli and Skuld
  11. Nona, Morta, & Decuma (Roman Mythology)
  12. Urd or Urth (Past or Fate), Verandi or Verthandi (Present or Necessity) Skuld (Future or Being) – Norse Mythology
  13. The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone – also linked to the three visible phases of the moon – Waxing, Full and Waning. Also, Past, Present and Future.
  14. “Three in One” of Christian imagery The trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
  15. Wyrd Myths
  16. Parcae
  17. Fatae
  18. Moriae – (Moirai)
  19. Three Witches – (Macbeth)
  20. Harsh Spinners – (“Fates” or “Fatae”)
  21. Faith, Hope and Charity – (Also what the Three Mountains in Oregon are named after – Christian Concept – The “Three Sisters” are also the three basic agricultural crops of Native Americans in North America, squash, maize (or corn), and climbing beans)
  22. Luna, Phoebe and Selene – (In the cartoon series “Gargoyles”)
  23. The Triple Goddesses – Pagan/Wiccan/Celtic
  24. Laimas – Latvian Mythology
  25. Morrigan – Celtic Mythology
  26. Holle, Hulda, or Holda – Europe
  27. Laima, Karta and Dekla (Laimas)
  28. Laime ( See “Laimas” )
  29. Morrigu (Morrigan)”

Source, and to read more: http://www.shedrums.com/Fates.htm

“The ancient Greeks thought that the divinities knew everything including what would happen in the future. The Fates laid out a plan for each person at birth that was fixed and unchangeable. The Fates carried out the divine plan of Zeus by drawing lots and tying the resulting allotments into threads of life for each mortal born. These threads are woven together, actually knotted at different points and in different ways. Then the fabric of life is cut off at death and the end of life for that mortal.”

“A lottery is supposed to be a way a group of people have an equal chance to gain something valuable. The Fates use a lottery to distribute the goods and bads of the world to every mortal born. In a bag are placed tokens of these goods and bads. Before a person is born a number of these tokens are drawn out. In a normal lottery this would be a random event. But in the case of the Fates their knowledge of the future and the past allow them to draw tokens that suit the divine plan of Zeus. A mortal can repeat the same process and this is sometimes done to enable the mortal to prophesy the future. But when a mortal does this the result is just a random selection. The only exception to this is when the mortal has obtained the favor of some deity. Then the deity has the power to cause the tokens to be drawn in a way that reveals true prophesy. Many priests and others have claimed to be able to secure the favor of a deity and obtain a true prophesy. Persons in ancient Greek literature who have been described as having this power inlude: Calchas son of Thestor, Cassandra, Chryses, Iamus, Idmon, Lampon, Melampus, Mopsus, Tiresias, and Melampus. The literature about ancient Greece refer to these as seers. They are essentially prophets. They are not shaman only because the Greek religion is not considered shamanism.”

Source, and to read more: http://www.rwaag.org/fates

I don’t know if I can personally follow a belief that I am somehow destined to experience everything in my life because a thread was cut, I am not willing to entirely dismiss the idea though, either. I find myself in an in between place. Interesting information nonetheless.

So, what do Christians seem to think about destiny?

“This is a very complex issue, and we will start with what the Bible does not teach. Fate is usually thought of as a predetermined course of events beyond human control. A typical response to a belief in fate is resignation—if we can’t change destiny, then why even try? Whatever happens, happens, and we can’t do anything about it. This is called “fatalism,” and it is not biblical.”

“Fatalism is a major premise of Islam, which demands total submission to the sovereignty of Allah. It is widely held in Hinduism, too; in fact, it is a fatalistic view of life that helps keep India’s caste system in place. Greek mythology told of the Moirai, or the Fates, three goddesses pictured as weavers of men’s lives. Their decisions could not be canceled or annulled, even by other gods. Again, fatalism is not a biblical concept.”

Fatalism: noun: The belief that all events are predetermined and therefore inevitable.

“The Bible teaches that Man was created with the ability to make moral choices and that he is responsible for those choices. The Fall of Man was not a predetermined event in which Adam and Eve were hapless victims of a Puppet-Master God. On the contrary, Adam and his wife had the ability to choose obedience (with its attendant blessing) or disobedience (with its consequent curse). They knew what the result of their decision would be, and they were held accountable (Genesis 3).”

“This theme of being held accountable for our choices continues throughout Scripture. “He who sows wickedness reaps trouble” (Proverbs 22:8a). “All hard work brings a profit, / but mere talk leads only to poverty” (Proverbs 14:23). “Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you” (Romans 13:3).”

“Often, when the Bible speaks of destiny, it’s in reference to a destiny people have brought upon themselves: “Many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction” (Philippians 3:18-19). “This is the fate of those who trust in themselves” (Psalm 49:13). “A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; / whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32). “Each person was judged according to what he had done” (Revelation 20:13).”

“We sin because we choose to. We can’t blame “Fate,” kismet, predestination, or God. James 1:13-14 says, “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.”

“Interestingly, many people who choose to sin are annoyed by the negative consequences of their sin. “A man’s own folly ruins his life, / yet his heart rages against the LORD” (Proverbs 19:3). This is a very insightful verse. When a man foolishly wrecks his life, he may yet insist on blaming God, or perhaps “Fate.” In this way, he persists in his folly.”

Source, and to read more: http://www.gotquestions.org/fate-destiny.html

What about Islam?

“There is no doubt that God has decreed everything that happens in the universe from the beginning of time to the end, and that God has written it all in the Book of Decree:

{Know you not that Allah knows all that is in the heaven and on the earth? Verily, it is (all) in the Book (Al‑Lawh Al‑Mahfuz). Verily, that is easy for Allah} (Al-Hajj 22: 70)

It is narrated that Abdullah ibn Amr said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) saying:

“Allah wrote down the decrees of creation fifty thousand years before He created the heavens and the earth. Everything happens by the will of God. Whatever He wills happens, and whatever He does not will does not happen. However, as Sheikh Muhammad Salih Al-Munajjid explains:

“Belief in al-qadar (predestination) does not contradict the idea that a person has free will with regard to actions in which he has free choice. Shariah and real life both indicate that people have this will. God says concerning man’s will:

{That is (without doubt) the True Day. So, whosoever wills, let him seek a place with (or a way to) His Lord (by obeying Him in this worldly life)!} (Al-Naba’ 78: 39)

“These verses confirm that man has a will and the ability to do what he wants and not to do what he does not want. With regard to real life, everyone knows that he has a will and the ability to do what he wants and not to do what he does not want. And he can distinguish between the things that happen when he wants them to, such as walking, and those that happen without him wanting them to, such as shivering. But the will and ability of man are subject to the will and decree of God.”

“Sheikh Al-Munajjid’s last paragraph is the key to understanding Al-Qadar: walking (voluntary) versus shivering (involuntary). Other scholars have explained it as two types of Qadar, fixed and flexible. The fixed Qadar is that which happens to us from beyond our control. For example the time and place of our birth, any illnesses and natural disasters that befall us, etc. The flexible Qadar is that which is within the realm of our free will. Whether we do good or evil, and what we choose to believe and how we choose to live.”

Source: http://www.onislam.net/english/reading-islam/understanding-islam/belief/fate-and-destiny/456408-allahs-plan-for-you-and-me.html?Destiny

Lastly, what does Judaism say?

“Jewish mystical tradition reveals the tremendous power that each human being has to affect the world through the unique gift of freewill. The Zohar itself illustrates this idea when it proclaims, “When man accomplishes God’s will below, he causes a parallel rectification above.” (Zohar I:35a) This single statement can give us an understanding of the differences between the beings that inhabit the upper, spiritual worlds, and human beings in the lower, physical world.”

“God created a system where the ripples of our freewill in the physical world are felt even in the spiritual realms. The idea that God created a world where humans were given complete freewill is a gift of tremendous magnitude and responsibility in itself. But the Zohar teaches us here that God created a system where the ripples of our freewill in the physical world are felt even in the spiritual realms.”

“Let’s examine this concept on a deeper level through the mystical commentary on the Torah written by the great Spanish Kabbalist Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as the Ramban.”

“In the beginning of parashat Vayetzei, Jacob is fleeing from the murderous intentions of his brother Esau after receiving the blessing of the firstborn. On his way to seek refuge in the home of his uncle Laban, Jacob unknowingly sets up camp on the holy site of the future Temple. The Torah recounts the fantastic vision that appeared to him that night:

And behold the ladder was standing on the ground, and the top was reaching up to the heavens, and behold, angels of God were traveling up and down on it. (Gen. 28:12)

“The question that drives the Ramban’s comment here is a simple one: why are the angels going up first, and then coming down? If angels are truly beings of the upper spiritual worlds, then shouldn’t they come down first, and then go up? On this point the Ramban writes:

“God shows Jacob in a prophetic dream that everything in the world is done through angels, and all that occurs in the world is done through heavenly decrees given to them. Angels themselves that are sent to interact with the world never do anything on their own accord, whether a small or a large matter, until they return and stand before the Master of the World and say: “We have traveled the earth, and behold it is filled with tranquility”, or “it is filled with sword and blood”, and then God commands them to return down to the Earth and to do what God desires.” Note: Followers of Judaism do not say, or type out the word “God” I put the ‘o’ in so that you guys would understand, not that I think you are stupid. Also, I am not worried about pissing God off. –wink-

Source: http://www.chabad.org/kabbalah/article_cdo/aid/380295/jewish/The-Power-of-Our-Freewill.htm

I find it interesting that with every culture, every tradition, and religion there is mention of destiny, or a pre-determined life.

Makes me wonder.

The Mind, Body, Soul Connection

Meganne Forbes

Image: Meganne Forbes

“If we are creating ourselves all the time, then it is never too late to begin creating the bodies we want instead of the ones we mistakenly assume we are stuck with.”

Deepak Chopra


In the past I have written about the importance of having a healthy body in order to speed up the opening of your third eye, and I have made some brief comments about my opposition to the “food like” substances that are consumed, but I want to now fully dive into this topic. I want to tell you about the changes I have made personally and the results I have seen because just giving out advice like any other blog is not really going to help. I think people want a personal account of a non-conventional spiritual path, and I hope I give that, but I also think people want to hear personal accounts of how mind, body and soul truly are connected. And, I have the proof to show you.

My journey started off with a clashing of my mind and soul, it was a psychological manifestation of a truly spiritual problem. I was around the age of 24 when I began to peek into the side of me that I had hidden as a child, the Seer who has one eye in this world and one eye in the next. I had suppressed this side of myself because I didn’t want to be the “freak”, I didn’t want to be the outcast, so I watered myself down, and changed my masks like one changes underwear.

It was a cycle of madness, of falsities, of lies.

I began to hate myself, to resent the person I saw when I looked into the mirror, and when the person who was looking at me could no longer remain silent, she made her presence known and showed me just how fragile my human mind was; she played off my fears, taunted me relentlessly, and sent my demons to hunt me down. I didn’t know at the time that she was a version of me, I thought I was under attack, or becoming possessed, it was not until after going through a mental break, and then coming off the medicine did I finally accept who I was. I had to lose everything in order to gain anything.

I started slowly on my path to finding my spiritual footing, and it was only because of my relentless seeking of everything did I find my answers; this thirst for knowledge is also how I came to my personal conclusion that it’s all relative, everything, all of it, connected.

Even now I take what I have picked up from each pantheon and make it my own, I adhere to no rules, no guidelines and I refuse to fit into any box, especially a box that I am expected to fit into.

After I had gained some ground in this area of myself, I knew my body was next. I have had chronic health issues for some time now, and as I am coming into my early 30’s I am facing my own mortality, call it an early mid-life crisis but I really just want to be the best version of myself that I can be, in every way possible.

The first task was to research my diseases, and figure out if they are hereditary, environmental, and basically find out as much as I possibly could. I was open with my doctor’s about my hesitance towards conventional medicine, and I was willing to find a happy medium. It took many adjustments, more setbacks than I can count, and a lot of trial and error, but I am finally reaping the benefits of my hard work, and dedication to all areas of Self.

Before I begin to tell the specifics of what I have done I need to say (for legal reasons, I don’t want to be sued) that I am not a medical professional (duh?!) and in no way am I saying that my methods will work for everyone, but they have worked for me.

I went full anti pharmaceutical, and I decided I was going to take vitamins I had researched. So, I was taking ginger root, and gingko balboa, I was taking a multi-vitamin and calcium, and magnesium, basically everything under the sun. It was not until I switched Doctors, and am now under the care of a Primary Care Doctor who is also an Internist, that I was told the damage vitamins can do.

I think it is disgusting that major pharmaceutical companies do so much harm, but the vitamins are just as dangerous. People think they are doing their bodies a favor, but they are potentially harming them. Also, I don’t think people understand the billions of dollars that is the vitamin supplement industry.

She told me that it was her belief my liver enzymes were so elevated because of the vitamins. She said while she understands my intent, she doesn’t know what is in those capsules. The thing is that vitamins are not FDA (Food and Drug Administration) regulated anymore and haven’t been since the late 90’s. The pills themselves are mostly fillers, and just recently there was a major recall on some.

Even after she told me this I wanted to still be all, “fuck the system” and I remained defiant for a bit, then it got so bad that I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t continue on. I stopped all my vitamins, and decided to see what some specialists had to say. I started on a higher dose of a Levothyroxine, which is a thyroid medication and I also went back on Estradiol, which is a synthetic estrogen used in HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). I gave the medicine time to work, and found out my liver enzymes had dropped significantly since the switch.

In the following weeks I found that my Vitamin D levels were a bit low, and needed to start taking a supplement. I take valerian root for sleep and anxiety, and an allergy medicine. I have taken note that with the more awakenings, or shifts in consciousness I have, the more sensitive I am to my environment, and the more “fresh and natural” I crave my body and life to be.

I have developed allergies to stitches, adhesive on tape and bandaids, eggs, wool, laundry detergent, some dyes, and several medications, including Amoxicillin which I have taken since I was a kid with no problems. It’s like suddenly I turned on myself.

Once my body started showing slight improvement from the inside, I began to work on the outside. I started yoga, and at first it kicked my ass, it is definitely not for the faint of heart. I am no expert, and don’t claim to be some Master Yogi, but I have pushed myself beyond my limits, and my body has responded in a positive way.

I also started Muay Thai, and have forced myself to sit and meditate. The chronic pain began to subside a little, I felt longer, and leaner. My Kundalini was less painful at night, and my ability to still function after a day of running around had gotten better; I was only down for one or two days, as opposed to four or five. I noticed my energy levels increasing, and my moods had become more controllable. I am now able to feel the shifts in my ocean, and can direct people away from the raging tides.

The last and probably most important key to my path has been the food. I was never a poor eater, and I have always been somewhat health conscious, but I wouldn’t call myself a good eater. I started this journey with making deals with myself. I would give myself rewards if I could last for a certain amount of time, and I did this until it was a habit.

First thing to go was fast food, and soda. I was never a big soda drinker but I did enjoy a mountain dew on nights I couldn’t sleep, and mornings I needed to stay awake. These items I cut out two years ago, but the rest of my food changes have happened in the last six months, really the last two.

My family is not rich, and we are often living paycheck to paycheck. I am fortunate enough to live at home with family, at first I was embarrassed to admit this, but now I embrace it. I love my family, and this is what works for us. I pay rent, and take care of the house which I think is a fair exchange. I also would like to point out that all my “other bills” and necessities are taken care of by me, but of course I do have my Mom to help if I get into trouble.

I am blessed, fortunate, and grateful, I never take any of this for granted.

With that said, food is expensive. We have a busy household that is often full with my sisters, their partners, and my nephew. My Mom looks at it like, if her house is full then her happy tank is full. I am not one who likes a full house, I much prefer my solitude, and quiet, but if Mom is happy, I’m happy.

Organic food is expensive, and so are the fresh fruits and vegetables necessary to live a truly healthy lifestyle. At first I was overwhelmed, and I thought I had to get everything at once. It was at least a few hundred dollars to get started on my healthier path but bit by bit, piece by piece it seemed to not be as damaging to my wallet. I was looking at juicing methods, and found myself trying to figure out what the difference was between a blender, and juicer. I didn’t know what seeds or nuts to eat, and not eat. I didn’t know what my body needed, or would respond positively to. I didn’t know anything, I just knew I had to start.

It was activia first. Yup, yogurt. Two of those bad boys a day, and your gut health will be in prime working condition. Our gut health is the center of our bodies, and if it is not working accordingly, the rest of our body will feel it. I also recently started taking a pro-biotic, they are expensive, and if you are going to take one you need to get Align, or the store brand of that (it must specifically say, “compare to align”) otherwise it is not going to be as effective, and you will not receive the full benefit. Also, to my vegans, they have a non-dairy option available.

I cut out red meat over a year ago, the vibrations lowered me too much, even with a blessing before preparing and before the meal. I am not against pork, but if I don’t have to eat it, I won’t. I like to have protein in my diet, and until I find a good substitute that works for me, it will have to do. Plus, I like meat but with my awareness of the treatment of our food animals I am becoming less of a fan. I am just a meat and potatoes kind of girl, what can I say. One day I will be able to say this in the past tense.

I do eat chicken, but it is organic, no antibiotic, hormone free, and it is never from the factory farming companies, it is always local. I have learned though that a blessing is mandatory if I am to eat meat, I don’t care how it sounds; it helps me. I learned along my way that the human body does not need dairy to maintain a healthy lifestyle, I also learned the horrific life of dairy cows and because of my own personal conviction I cut dairy milk out. I know, I know, yogurt is dairy, and hopefully in a couple months I can cut that, too.

I hate to be one of those hipsters who uses a splash of almond milk in her tea, but eh. I also hate that almond trees are now becoming this cash crop, and they are water hogs. Primarily grown in California. Hello, worst drought in California’s history mean anything to anyone?

I do still eat cheese because, um, cheese? I have cut down to only one slice on a sandwich every other day, or every two days. I think that making the conscious effort to live better will in essence make us feel better, making us want to do better.

The biggest change and benefit has been replacing breakfast with a smoothie. I was the kind of girl who liked eggs, then the allergy happened. So, I switched to bagels, and a yogurt. I am a pasta and bread person, so carbs are a comfort. Actually, I am a food person in general, haha. Seriously though, carbs are not the best thing to ever happen to us. In order for me to be able to continue to indulge in my cravings for “comfort food” I sacrificed breakfast, but in a way I didn’t sacrifice anything.

My smoothies are full of goodies and, it really isn’t THAT expensive. I was lucky and found a really good blender at Walmart (a company I now boycott) on clearance, then I read up online. I looked at people’s suggestions and took note. I use frozen fruit because it is more cost effective for me, and I like the texture it makes my smoothies. I will use fresh fruit if it is on sale, I do fit in fresh fruits and veggies in other meals throughout my day, or a snack. I fill the smoothie with kale and/or spinach depending on what is on sale, and what the produce looks like week to week. I add flaxseed meal, because I don’t like the actual seed in there, I also use chia seeds. I add a splash of 100% juice, and then fill the rest with water, and voila.

Delicious and nutritious.

With the simple replacement of breakfast I have lost a total now of 15 pounds. I am starting to sleep a little better the last few nights, and I feel it is because of these changes all coming together at once. It could also be the Magick I cast before sleep, either way I will continue to do both.

I have changed to all natural hygiene products, too. My skin and hair have never been better, and I have not felt this good in years. I am using essential oils for perfume now; I used to be obsessed with perfumes, but now I don’t want those chemicals (most animal tested) on my skin. I have incorporated tinctures into my routine, too.

With all of these little steps I have seen great progress in myself, I am not willing to blindly follow the medical world, but I am not against it anymore either. I seem to have found my happy medium between Magick, and science.

I am beginning to love the skin I’m in.

The Matriarch: Mary Magdalene

Gianluca

Image: Gianaluca Palma

“The church seemed doomed to failure, destined to go down to bloody death amidst the bleeding corpses of its victims, when the people discovered Mary. And only when Mary, against the stern decrees of the church, was dug out of the oblivion to which Constantine had assigned her and became identified with the Great Goddess was Christianity finally tolerated by the people.”

Elizabeth Gould Davis, The First Sex


I had an idea to write a post about Mary Magdalene a few days ago, I don’t know why but I was drawn to do it, only to decide against it in the end. I feel like I am not educated enough about her to even begin to tell her story, I do know that what little information is written in the Bible is not correct, shocker. So, I have set out on a quest to find her story, while in the midst of my quest I found the quote above on a friend’s page, and it was yet another sign for me to journey down this road, for whatever reason.

This is not my original work, but this is a really good read full of great information about a version of the Goddess that is far too often forgotten. The Women in the Bible ARE aspects of us, aspects of the Great Mother and they are oppressed, hidden, and mocked just like rest of us. Their stories were twisted, or negated all together, left to one sentence such as Dinah, daughter of Jacob; her and her Mother’s would worship Inanna in the red tent, which was destroyed when the man became threatened by the Woman’s independence. I ask that you keep an open mind, and do not allow any Christian perspective, or hatred towards Christianity in general, blind your view of this aspect of the Divine Feminine.

Knowledge truly is power.

Legend:

“Mary Magdalene was of the district of Magdala, on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, where stood her families castle, called Magdalon; she was the sister of Lazarus and of Martha, and they were the children of parents reputed noble, or, as some say, royal descendants of the House of David. On the death of their father, Syrus, they inherited vast riches and possessions in land, which were equally divided between them.”

“Lazarus betook himself to the military life; Martha ruled her possessions with great discretion, and was a model of virtue and propriety, -perhaps a little too much addicted to worldly cares; Mary, on the contrary, abandoned herself to luxurious pleasures and became at length so notorious for her extravagant lifestyle that she was known through all the country round only as ‘The Sinner.’”

Philo’s Enigmatic Interpretation of Ancient Texts

“Sinners were people devoted to the moon-god, Sin. Moses spent 38 of 40 years in the Wilderness of Sin, the land where the god, Sin, was worshipped. Sinai is the feminine form of Sin; therefore, Mount Sinai can be called “the mountain of the goddess,” feminine counterpart of Sin. “Mary Magdalene” represented the Great-Goddess-Mother-Queen, wife of “Jesus.” Historically, she can be found in several prominent Roman families: (1) She was the daughter of Juba II, the King of Mauretania and wife, Queen Cleopatra Selene (daughter of Antony and Cleopatra). (2) She was also known as Agrippina the Elder; her sister was Julia the Younger and her step-brother was Drusus Germanicus, the secret younger son of Emperor Tiberius. (3) She was known as Livilla, mother of twins whose grandfather was Emperor Tiberius. And, she can be found disguised as a man: Philo of Alexandria and Emperor Claudius’ powerful freedman Pallas.”

Legend

“Mary’s discreet sister, Martha, frequently rebuked her for these disorders and at length persuaded her to listen to the exhortations of Jesus, through which her heart was touched and converted. The seven demons which possessed her, and which were expelled by Jesus, were the seven deadly sins common to us all. The struggles of these seven principal faults are; first, Gluttony or the pleasures of the palate; secondly, Fornication; thirdly, Covetousness, which means Avarice, or, the love of money, fourthly, Anger; fifthly, Dejection; sixthly, “Accidie,” which is the sin of spiritual sloth or sluggishness; and seventhly, kenodocila which means ego, foolish pride or vain glory.”

“On one occasion Martha entertained the Savior in her house, and, being anxious to feast him worthily, she was  ‘cumbered with much serving.’ Mary, meanwhile, sat at the feet of Jesus, and heard his words, which completed the good work of her conversion; and when, sometime afterwards, be supped in the house of Simon the Pharisee, she followed him thither and she brought an alabaster box of ointment and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hair of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with ointment – and He said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven’.”

Fact

“The word translated as “demons” can be, and is, translated as “Angels” in other biblical verses. Seven in Hebrew is Shabbat. Shabbat Hamalka represented the feminine side of Yahweh – his consort, and she is of extremely ancient origin. Sometimes called Asherah, Shekhina, etc., this goddess is a combination of Queen, Bride, and Goddess.”

Philo’s Enigmatic Interpretation of Ancient Texts

“The referenced “anointing scene” harkens to the Old Testament, Song of Solomon. King Solomon and his “Sister-Bride” sing a love song as they profess their everlasting love. Many myths of “gods and goddesses” describe them as “Sister-Bride, Brother-Groom.” The king of Libya, Juba II, first married Cleopatra Selene, daughter of Antony and Cleopatra. However, he married a second time: his second wife was Glaphyra, widow of Alexander III, son of Herod the Great and Jewish princess, the Hasmonean Mariamme. With that marriage, Juba’s children with Selene and Glaphyra’s children with Alexander became “Brothers and Sisters.” When Juba’s eldest daughter married Glaphyra’s eldest son, they became, “Sister-Bride, Brother-Groom.”

Legend

“Tradition relates that after the Crucifixion, Mary traveled to Italy, met with the Emperor Tiberias (14-37 AD) and proclaimed to him about Christ’s Resurrection. According to tradition, she took him an egg as a symbol of the Resurrection, a symbol of new life with the words: “Christ is Risen!” Then she told Tiberias that, in his Province of Judea, Jesus the Nazarene, a holy man, a maker of miracles, powerful before God and all mankind, was executed on the instigation of the Jewish High-Priests and the sentence affirmed by the procurator Pontius Pilate. Tiberias responded that no one could rise from the dead, any more than the egg she held could turn red. Miraculously, the egg immediately began to turn red as testimony to her words. Then, and by her urging, Tiberias had Pilate removed from Jerusalem to Gaul, where he later suffered a horrible sickness and an agonizing death.”

Philo’s Enigmatic Interpretation of Ancient Texts

“After the “Passover-Passion Pageant,” designed to merge the Jewish “Messiah” with the Greco-Roman and Egyptian “Dying-and-Resurrected Savior” (Dionysus, Osiris, Serapis, etc.), the woman who played the role of “Mary Magdalene” accompanied her husband, the man who portrayed “Jesus,” to Alexandria, Egypt. “Jesus” became the Alabarch of Alexandria; “Mary Magdalene” assumed one of the names carried by her famous grandmother, Cleopatra Thea Philo Pater (wife of Marc Antony), which were probably the names she also carried. Using the name, Philo, and claiming to be a man, “Mary Magdalene” became famous as the philosopher and chief proponent of merging of Judaism with Greek Philosophy. She also promoted the allegorical interpretation of scripture, the only method by which their story could be told.”

Legend

“Suggestions of commentators and legend continues Mary’s story. Fourteen years after the ascension, Lazarus with his two sisters, Martha and Mary; with Maximin, one of the seventy-two disciples, from whom they had received baptism; Cedon, the blind man whom our Savior had restored to sight; and Marcella, the handmaiden who attended on the two sisters, were by the Jews set adrift in a vessel without sails, oars, or rudder; but, guided by Providence, they were safely borne over the sea till they landed in a certain harbor which proved to be Marseilles, in the country now called France.”

“The people of the land were pagans, and refused to give the holy pilgrims food or shelter; so they were fain to take refuge under the porch of a temple and Mary Magdalene preached to the people, reproaching them for their senseless worship of idols; and though at first they would not listen, yet being after a time convinced by her eloquence, and by the miracles performed by her and by her sister, they were converted and baptized. And Lazarus became, after the death of the good Maximin, the first bishop of Marseilles.”

“These things being accomplished, Mary Magdalene retired to the cliffs not far from the city. It was a frightful barren wilderness and in the midst of horrid rocks she lived in the caves of Sainte-Baume; there for thirty years she devoted herself to solitary penance for the sins of her past life, which she had never ceased to bewail bitterly. During this long seclusion, she was never seen or heard of, and it was supposed that she was dead.”

“Mary fasted so rigorously, that but for the occasional visits of the angels, and the comfort bestowed by Celestial visions, she might have perished. She was given the Holy Eucharist by angels as her only food. Every day during the last years of her penance, the angels came down from heaven and carried her up in their arms into regions where she was ravished by the sounds of unearthly harmony, and beheld the glory and the joy prepared for the sinner that repenteth.”

“One day a certain hermit, who dwelt in a cell on one of those wild mountains, having wandered farther than usual from his home, beheld this wondrous vision-the Magdalene in the arms of ascending angels, who were singing songs of triumph as they bore her upwards; and the hermit, when he had a little recovered from his amazement, returned to the city of Marseilles, and reported what he had seen.”

Philo’s Enigmatic Interpretation of Ancient Texts

“Mary Magdalene” spent the remainder of her life in various locations including: Alexandria, Rome, Emesa, and Greece using a variety of aliases. Inscriptions in Athens, dedicated to “Juba’s Daughter,” were in recognition of all she did for the Roman Empire as the Freedman, Pallas. A tongue-in-cheek letter written by Pliny the Younger to his friend Montanus enumerates some of her many accomplishments.”

Legend

“According to Church tradition, Mary Magdalene remained in Rome until the arrival of the Apostle Paul, and for two more years still, following his departure from Rome after the first court judgment upon him.”

Philo’s Enigmatic Interpretation of Ancient Texts

“Paul was never an “apostle” but remained the arch-enemy of Jesus and all he attempted to teach and to do. “Jesus” and “Mary Magdalene,” using the aliases Narcissus and Pallas lived in Rome from 41 until 54. They filled powerful positions under Emperor Claudius and were responsible for the many innovations that improved the lives of Roman citizens, including the poorest and most vulnerable. Both their sons served as “Procurator of Judea.” (One from 46 to 48; the other from 51 to 60.)

Legend

“From Rome, Mary Magdalene, moved to Ephesus where she unceasingly labored the holy Apostle John, who with her wrote the first 20 Chapters of his Gospel (John 1-9, John 10-20). There the saint finished her earthly life and was buried. Mary was transported miraculously, just before she died, to the chapel of St. Maximin, where she received the last sacraments. She died when she was 72.”

“Allegorical interpretation of scripture: “Mary Magdalene” and “Jesus” traveled to Ephesus and may have lived there when she wrote “The Gospel of John.” However, her work was “over-written” by a later author who called himself “John” and corrupted much of her original work. “Mary Magdalene” was also known as “Io Anna,” the feminine form of “John.” Io and Anna are both names of goddesses. She died in 74 CE at the age of 84, just as Luke reported (Luke 2:36-7). She was using the alias “Caenis” and purported to be Vespasian’s “mistress.” She was, in fact, his co-ruler and his aunt. Vespasian was her sister’s son.”

Legend

“In 899 the Emperor Leo VI transported her alleged relics to a monastery in Constantinople. It was not until the tenth century that devotion to Mary Magdalene, the composite saint, took root in the west.”

Philo’s Enigmatic Interpretation of Ancient Texts

“Mary Magdalene” may have been buried in her family’s mausoleum in Mauretania as the inscribed “Roman Woman.” The mausoleum is called, “the tomb of the Christian woman,” which can also be translated as, “the tomb of the Feminine Christ.”

She has been forced to remain silent for too long, misrepresented, and it is time that we become her voice, that we become her Muse, and allow her story to be told through us.

Source: http://www.thenazareneway.com/life_of_st_mary_magdalene.htm

Truth Comes to Light

Jessica Lutz

Image: Jessica Lutz

“Chaos is what we’ve lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existence is defined in terms of control.”

Terence McKenna


I’m not going to make any friends with post, for that I am sure; I guess it is a good thing I don’t write to make friends, I write to make people think. I sometimes feel that I think so much, about every single thing possible, so that others don’t have to. It’s like, if I analyze it, rip it apart, drive myself mad and tell of my findings, it may save another the pain. It takes a certain person to be able to exist in Chaos and I thrive in Chaos because it flows in my veins, while most dissipate into it.

I am going to write about some things that have been on my mind for a very long time, and I have written about them in the past but I didn’t do the topics any justice, or myself for that matter. I know that writing about the Occult I open myself up to criticism, and others opinions. I will usually debate, and I will always hear another’s opinion on the matter, we are all experiencing this world differently, and to deny listening to another is like denying them to tell their story.

I will never deny anyone the right to speak their truth.

I am going to speak some truth that many of you will probably not like, or deny all together, maybe you have never thought about it to begin with, or maybe you will know exactly what I mean. It is my hope, my intention that this piece will open your mind, and allow you to look deep within yourself. Allow yourself to get back to the roots of Magick because our community has gone far off track.

Because I do not want to come off as if I have a superiority complex, or that I am trying to tell anyone how to be, or whatever, I am going to tell you my story on the subject of ego and other Pagans/Witches/Otherkin. I am not at all innocent in allowing ego to take over, and I have experienced obnoxious amounts from other people. So, I have seen, literally felt, both sides.

This morning there was a situation that left me disappointed in a fellow Sister Witch, and I became so angry that I could not allow my Beast to stay inside, so here she sits with me to write this piece. I will not go into details about the situation but it had to do with ego, and a paranoid fear. While I understand why my Sister felt this way, her reaction and her Sister Witch’s reaction was uncalled for, and not how we should conduct ourselves.

I get it, if anyone gets ego, or fear, it’s me. If you have followed my writing since the beginning you have seen me call people out, and strut my stuff, as if I was the baddest in town. The Universe, however, did not find my display entertaining and made sure that I did not do it again. I have been that Witch who has made fun of Wiccans for being “light and fluffy” or “fluff bunnies”. I have been the one who dismisses others opinions because I thought I knew best. There is nothing that I have not experienced in regards to ego, and allowing it to take root in my mind.

I shut it out now, though. There is no room for ego on my path, it is simply not part of my journey.

There is pride, and that is something else entirely. Maybe another time, another post.

Let me get to the point..

Here are the issues we are facing as a community, and I am going to bring them to the surface because I am sick and tired of running into them at every corner. First, let me say that making fun of Wiccans, or any other belief, is unacceptable behavior, we should handle ourselves better, and it is the very intolerance that we experience from society. We cannot allow an eye for an eye mentality become the norm, we are better than that.

Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

We should not power ourselves with insults, we must power ourselves with knowledge, and know our craft. So, if there is a point to defend ourselves our Magick and defenses are top notch. The truth is, when we insult, make fun of, or belittle another, no matter how funny or how true the statement may be, it says more about us and our weak insecurities than it does about them.

Second, fear of Magickal attacks from fellow Witches seems to be a common theme. I want to bring some of you back to a level mind on this topic. A true Magickal attack is not easy to do, it takes skill, determination and true, pure intentions. This is not something that is a common occurrence, but it seems to be a common fear. Yes, we are at risk from spirit we work with, but to walk around defensive of every Witch and/or Otherkin we come across is not productive, and if we continue like this we will never learn anything, and we will always be alone.

To those who do use their Magick for attacks, big or small, that is not what Witchcraft is. I practice dark arts, and there is just as much healing, and support for other Witches as there is hexing, cursing, and the like. Magick should be something personal for you, not a skill you learn to harm other people. Get it?

We, Pagans, Satanists, Luciferians, Witches, Wiccans, Occultists, Otherkin, Heathens, Heretics, and any other label or non-label you can think of, are already ostracized by society. We already walk a lonely path, and while it may be hard to find someone who thinks exactly like we do, we can find likeminded individuals who help us grow. We can find others who know what it’s like to be made fun of, or ridiculed for having a non-conventional Philosophy. We can build a support system so that in times of stress, pain, and suffering we have counsel, we have protection, we have love and we have support.

But, we don’t do that, we don’t trust other people. Everyone thinks everyone else is fake, “fluffy”, or is out to get someone else, and blah blah blah.

None of this has to do with Magick, all of this gossip has to do with HUMAN insecurity coming through and using Magick as the guise. Only those insecure in themselves, their Magick, their shields, their defense, and their energy reading ability would walk around constantly scared of Magickal attack.

I know because I used to be like this, but now I am not. I took a long, deep look in the mirror, I faced my demons, I worked on my craft, I studied, I practiced, and I shed bled, and tears. This is the only way to freedom, you must shed your old self.

Let’s all take a collective deep breath.

Spiritual attacks are real, and I am in no way down playing them, but not every Witch you meet is out to get you, or strong enough to do so anyways. Come on guys, like I said, we can do better. We have to do better, it is our Magick that is going to save this place, but none of us can do it alone.

The next topic I want to discuss is ego. I have fell victim to this, and I was left embarrassed and disgusted by my behavior. I am here to help people, and nothing more. I want to write about my experiences in order for everyone to be as free as I am. When ego came into my life it wasn’t about the grand scheme of things anymore, it was about me, and there is no me. I am everything and nothing, I am the Alpha and Omega, I am the darkness and light. I am part of the cosmos, and to put myself before my soul’s purpose is something I cannot do.

Ego feels good, it is a momentary satisfaction but that is all that it is, a moment in time. It does nothing but make the other person feel like shit just to build yourself up. As someone who has played both roles, I can say that this is no way to be.

The thing I want to really say is, we have to start accepting others for who they are. We cannot accept them with conditions, or if they fit into a mold, we must be willing to accept all those who wish to walk this path. I can say that nothing has been more rewarding than my spiritual journey, and if I can help others find the strength to start forging their own then my job here is done.

We are all different, no two of us are alike, and that in and of itself is a fucking beautiful thing. If we do not begin to do better we will not be better, and if we can’t be better than what are we doing on this stupid rock to begin with?

Epiphanies from an Insomniac Seer

Manuel

Image: Manuelestheim,DeviantArt

“4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”

Jarod Kintz


I write about my experience as an insomniac often, it is actually during these times that I figure the most out about myself, about my life, my feelings, and things to come. The trouble with insomnia mixed with a dash of Divine madness is that the insomniac is a tight rope walker, and at any given time can drop and fall into a pit of emotions that one was not quite ready, or equipped to deal with. I think being able to function after an entire night awake, or even several nights awake; as is the case with me, is an art form. I truly mean that, when I tell people, especially my Doctor’s how long I stay up the looks on their faces are priceless. The response is always the same, “I don’t know how you do it.”

Because I don’t have a choice.

It really is that simple, as much as I love my time awake, I would love to be able to sleep once in a while. It has gotten to the point where I am finally willing to undergo the sleep study to prove to my Doctor that it is not sleep apnea. I have none of the symptoms of sleep apnea or of being distressed during sleep. I do not have high blood pressure (I did at one time, though), I do not have circles or bags under my eyes, I do not snore, I do not wake up gasping for air—because I don’t fall asleep! I don’t have excess inflammation in my body, I have had the tests done. There, literally, is no medical reason for me staying awake.

I just do. I just am.

I think being awake and staying awake are two different things, though. I am awake, I don’t even get tired anymore, and the 3 valerian root I take at bedtime do nothing anymore for sleep, although they do help with my anxiety. I take tinctures, and drink herbal teas. I meditate, and have even tried to masturbate, and still no sleep comes. So I finally just surrender to it, and since I surrendered I am much less stressed over not sleeping. I think once you accept something, it just is, there is no need to worry about it because it is already figured out. You know?

I also think that awakened Souls, specifically Witches, Occultist’s and Seekers, vibrate on a different frequency than others, we are influenced by planetary shifts, and the moon phases. Why, you ask?

Because we have accepted that we are part of the Cosmos, that we are part of the grand scheme of things, and that this life, this current experience is but a blip on the radar, a literal, moment in time.

I think acceptance is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves; the hardest, but the greatest.

When I was a teenager my Mom told me something that has never left my mind, even when I didn’t understand the true meaning. She told me, “A great deal of life’s happiness comes from accepting what is, instead of dwelling on what isn’t.”

A truly profound statement reading it now, in my current mood, and mind frame. I knew the depth of the statement, but it wasn’t until I started to put it into practice that the full effect was seen and felt.

Last night was night number 4 with truly no sleep, and usually this would cause darkness, and a heavy emotional state, but this time it hasn’t. I have accepted that my body, my mind, just don’t want to sleep. I do miss my astral adventures, but I have found that the visions, and sight during the day have become much stronger. I think that is what they are trying to show me, they want me to focus on my other forms of sight, not just what I see on Astral.

Cue alarm bells in my head.

Before I went to sleep I sprayed my room with lavender, put the nighttime calming cream on, took my California Poppy tincture, drank my sleepytime tea, and took my 3 valerian root. For any normal person they would be knocked out, but for me, I lay awake for hours. My mind has stopped racing as much at night, and this is a recent development.

I just am there, awake, experiencing the world while everyone else sleeps. A surreal time, for anyone, but I feel particularly for me.

The entirety of last night was strange, it started when I checked NR’s Facebook page, and at 11:11 I received 999 likes. Now, I usually would smile at this, but it wasn’t funny last night. I feel defeated that I am just awake, doing nothing, feeling nothing, unable to process anything. I try to get up and write, or color, watch TV, read, something, anything, but nothing helps, I get bored and/or frustrated and the feeling of defeat comes over me, and I just surrender. When I surrender I feel their eyes, which in turn gives me an uneasy feeling because some of these eyes are not ones that I am used to, and as you guys know, I am not very welcoming to new guests.

Even still, I lay there last night tossing and turning until suddenly I had this intense urge to get up, “GET UP! GET UP! GET UP!” I heard from the darkness, and I felt an actual push on my back. I open my eyes expecting to feel something, or see something, but nothing was there. I checked the time, and kid you not, it was 3:33.

This same feeling happened when I got up at 6:03. It’s like an energy is pulling me, making me acknowledge these numbers. When I do there is nothing there, so I just acknowledge the Universe now, and say how grateful I am. I mean, what else is there to do?

As I sit here now, at 9:36, another powerful symbolic number, I feel like I am existing in two places, like a piece of me is somewhere else. I can see her, hear her, feel her, and whatever she is doing is causing a huge vibration, a shift in my current consciousness. The weird thing about all of this though, is I am calm, I am not anxious, or frustrated. My emotions have not even plummeted into the darkness, which is usually the case.

I’m just here.

Awake.

If you would like to read about any numbers mentioned:

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2012/08/angel-number-1111.html

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2012/04/angel-number-999.html

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2011/08/angel-number-333.html

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2011/10/angel-number-603.html

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2012/02/angel-number-936.html