Image: Jordie Hennigar
“Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is like a train of moods like a string of beads, and, as we pass through them, they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue…. ”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
My days have been filled with interesting events lately, to say the very least. It seems that life is really blossoming for me, something I have been waiting for, for what seems like eternity. Now that it is here, I don’t know how to handle it, and I feel myself becoming lost, buried in the fears and anticipation for what comes next; the unknown is a terrifying thought for me.
I am a control freak, so these random happenings, and synchronicities, dream manifestations, and amazing experiences have me paralyzed with fear.
I don’t know how to surrender, which is ironic because a few months ago I wrote about the power of giving up control, a fact I still believe in. So why can’t I let go and submit?
Why can’t I let these feelings of happiness, and pure joy overtake me, and soak up their bliss? Why am I so scared of the good in life? Why am I so scared to allow myself to be happy?
I had a lot of motivation 2 weeks ago, finally making the first of many steps on my path to change. I have started to focus on my jewelry venture, even selling several pieces, and I have begun to dive back into the book project. I have/had writer’s block, and instead of battling through it, I gave up; I am not a quitter either, I just don’t know where I want to be, or what I want to do, maybe I am questioning who I am, although, I know that. I just feel so fucking lost amid all these changes, constantly reminding myself that they will evolve me, help me, and benefit me.
I have kept my emotions, my hesitations, and my feelings inside, not wanting anyone to worry, or judge, the only reason I am writing about this now is because something happened that pulled me back from the brink of abysmal death; I was really far inside, but a conversation and a special someone pulled me back.
I have been withdrawing from social media, not wanting to spend hardly any time at all online, but would rather spend it focusing on more tangible things. I thought my withdrawal was a sign of going into a depression, but what it really is, is me coming out of one.
I am ready to jump back into the real world, but it feels so foreign to me, and shall we not forget my hatred of people, of the mundane—of socializing with said mundane people? The thought alone makes me wants to run and hide.
On Sunday morning I received a message from a dear friend, an old roommate of mine, and how it unfolded had me scratching my head, only now realizing that the conversation was a sign from beyond the veil.
She is a 29-year-old Woman living in NYC with her amazing boyfriend, and their awesome dog (English Bulldogs are my fave, which makes him awesome). She is currently in school finishing her Bachelors in Health Care Administration. I speak of her accomplishments because she has come a long way from where she used to be. She once lived a life of addiction, and is a domestic abuse survivor, who is now an advocate. To get to where she is, she worked 2 jobs, went to school at night, and worked her ass off. I am extremely proud of all that she has accomplished.
She even recently travelled abroad (did the whole European excursion thing). From the outside she looks, and seems happy, so why then was I getting a message from her telling me how lost she is, and that she needs someone to speak truth to her?
I had never lived the “grass isn’t always greener on the other side” but I have many times lived “I wonder if the grass is greener on the other side”. I think we all at one point in time or another experience both of these but to act it out, in real life, was surreal. I think it is part of human nature to be curious of other’s lives, even comparing ourselves to them.
She told me how she hates her job, that she questions continuing school for it because it is not what she expected, she told me that all they do is “take people’s money”. Then she said how she feels trapped, and stuck, that she wishes to just pick up and go someplace quiet, and open a shelter or safe place for domestic abuse victims, and help them become survivors.
What is holding her back?
Fear, and her own control issues.
As I sat there in that moment I couldn’t help but think that something, or someone, was behind the conversation.
What caught me completely off guard was how proud she said she was of my writing, and all I have built for myself (which in my eyes is nothing to brag about). Following those compliments was this:
“I’m so happy you are not following society norms, and following what you love to do. I admire you.”
I am full of emotion even now as I write this, and reflect back on how powerful those words were, and are still, and how desperately I needed to hear them.
I have been weighed down by thoughts of “what if I were normal”? I have been almost wishing away some of my well-earned Divine madness, withdrawing from my writing, and other creative art forms; all because I suddenly want to be normal?
Since when has normal ever appealed to me?
It hasn’t, and it doesn’t.
You see, we all get lost on our path’s sometimes, we lose our “mojo” and our goals seem out of reach, but if we pay close enough attention, the motivation and validation to continue our endeavors is all around us, just waiting to be acknowledged.
The true moral of this story is, we need to learn how to fertilize our own grass before we go comparing it to someone else’s.
As for losing my own motivation, Madre always told me, “Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get back on the horse. There is work to be done.”
So, off to work I go.