Image: Christine Muraton
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
It’s funny how life comes in waves, it’s like one day there is calm, boredom, a moment of surrender, then suddenly you are thrown into a vortex—spinning out of control.
I knew change was coming, I have felt it down to my bones for months, but for some reason the change was taunting me, or perhaps I just wasn’t ready to accept it wholly into my life; either way it’s here now.
I have crossed the point of no return, and I am fucking terrified.
A few weeks ago I was put in contact with a Woman who ended up not being, shall we say, as professional as she should have been, if it was not for my intuition making me message my old English teacher (the one I wrote about a few months ago) I would have fell victim to a scam.
The one good thing that came out of that whole situation was it gave me the confidence and courage to keep moving forward, if I could have an hour long conference call and handle it like a boss, surely I can continue to push forward on my path following my dreams. I didn’t let my anxiety get the best of me, and I didn’t ignore my inner voice telling me that something was wrong.
I jumped in with the sharks, and I survived.
I was discouraged, and a bit hesitant though, and to say that I wasn’t would be a flat out lie; I want nothing more than to be an author. I want to see my work in print on the pages of a bound book, I want my message to reach the masses, I want to make waves, and imprint my name into the cosmos themselves.
I don’t care about money, although I would like to be able to make some kind of living from this, but just doing it, just knowing people are reading my work is payment enough. I keep saying “I want to be a writer”—reality is, I AM a writer, and I don’t need my words published in a book to validate that title.
Last week I happened to notice there was a message in my ‘other’ folder on Facebook, I have my personal account kind of on lockdown. I opened it and there was a message from a woman who had been shown my blog and she wanted me to write a piece on Luciferianism for her magazine; I jumped at the opportunity.
After sending her my completed piece, and her sending it back to me with a few small edits, and graphics attached, I was blown away. Is this real life? To see my name in print underneath and article about Luciferianism was surreal, and it still is. (I will let you know when it comes out.)
After a few messages back and forth she let me know about a project she is working on, a book that is a collection of work from several authors about Lucifer, and the Luciferian Philosophy. Then she asked if I wanted to join, if I wanted to contribute to her book.
Pump. The. Breaks.
“Me? She wants me to contribute to her book?” is all that I could hear in my head.
Like she even had to ask I thought as I typed a strong YES!
I knew in that moment that even though one door slammed in my face, another seemingly invisible one opened up; how cliché. Everything I have ever wanted is here, right here, knocking at my door, begging me to let the dreams manifest before my eyes.
But, I’m scared, I’m scared I am not good enough, I’m scared that every one of those writers is better than I, and has had more exposure than me and my blog. I am scared I will embarrass myself, or make myself vulnerable, just to be disappointed again.
It doesn’t really matter why I am scared, fear is fear and this fear could crush my dreams before they even get a chance to come to life, dreams that I have fought to keep alive.
You know what though, I have made it this far and I am just fine. I have built this blog from the ground up, as well as the fb page, and I seem to get a pretty good response to my writing.
My writing, my ranting, my madness, my individuality, my flavor, my sass, my venom, all of it seems to resonate with people. So, yeah, I may not know every grammar rule there is, and I probably destroy punctuation rules, too, but I am doing it, I am going after what feeds my Soul. How many people can say that?
I am chasing my dreams with a passion not seen before, and there is no room for fear in this world of mine. I have to let the voices of doubt motivate me, challenge me, and push me to the next level.
I earned this, I continue to earn this, and no one can take that from me.
Not even fear, because I, too, am a shark.