Image: Michael Vincent Manalo
“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
John Steinbeck
Part of the human experience is pain, and I think it’s safe to say that we have all at one time or another discovered what it feels like to have our heart and Soul shredded by the words and/or actions of another.
My past interactions with people in my life caused serious trust issues; I don’t mean just in romantic partnerships either, I mean general trust issues with every single human being I come in contact with.
It’s fucking sad.
It’s fucking lonely.
It fucking hurts.
In my experience, and opinion, our “issues” as adults usually stem from a childhood place, and more often than not they have to do with one, or both of our parents.
What a way for the world to welcome you, by having your parent(s) betray and hurt you.
The Mother Wound has been discussed many times on the page; a Wound that has not affected me nearly as deeply as the Father Wound.
Both of these Wounds are variations of what is called a Soul Wound. These Wounds are karmic knots and they affect how you reincarnate, and essentially, how you are and live as a person in your day to day life.
Wounds can be created from abuse, neglect, abandonment, Self-harm, surgeries and sexual trauma, to name a few. When a Wound occurs a piece of your Soul either leaves and you become fragmented, or the piece becomes “stuck” and unable to evolve beyond the pain; which of course makes you unable to evolve as a whole being.
It took me years to get to the root of my Wound and begin to nurture it, water it and allow it to blossom.
That’s right, you must allow the pain to breakthrough.
From this point you are then able to heal yourself from the pain inflicted by the hands, words, actions, thoughts, and absence of another human being. Once the pain has been dealt with and conquered your power is yours again.
Before I get into how to heal the Wound, let me tell you my story so you can get a better idea of what I have been through. I am going to be a bit vague because since my Grandma died in April I have been attempting to form and maintain some kind of relationship with my Father, so I don’t want to hash up all the skeletons.
But, seriously why am I even attempting this relationship again? I guess I didn’t learn my lesson entirely, or maybe that pesky little girl inside me looking for her Dad hasn’t given up trying to find him. I like to think I am just hard headed and want to show him how amazing I am, and I owe none of my awesomeness and talents to him.
It has been no secret to those who have been following me for a long time that I have Daddy issues; I use that term to take the power back because *SO* many times it was used against me in life.
“This bitch has Daddy Issues.”
“She is a walking Daddy Issue.”
“Her Dad really fucked her up.”
These are just some of the comments made about me because of who I was as a person due to the absence of my Father.
I was not only hurt by these words, but I felt like they gave my Father power. Plus, I came to the realization that this pain was only affecting me—he was living his new life, and was just fine; I was the one who was suffering, and allowing others to continue the cycle.
One day I just embraced the fact that I have Daddy issues, and it was at that moment I was able to begin the journey of healing.
Since the moment of my birth my Father was terrified of me. He was scared that I was a little girl, and more scared of my strength. I came in to this world fighting for my life and the battle has never eased up; I have never had the choice to be strong or not.
He never liked my strong opinions, free thinking mentality, and he was threatened by my intelligence. So what did I do? I watered myself down to seek his approval.
How fucking sickening.
I tried to be who he wanted me to be, what he expected a daughter to be, but that role didn’t fit and after years of trying to get him to see me, I gave up.
When my parents finally got divorced when I was about to turn 12 Mom and I moved away, and well, that was that.
I was in a new place, away from my entire family and everything I had ever known and mourning the loss of my Father; a man who would continue to care, Father and support my older Brothers. He chose to love them, he chose to be a Dad to them, he chose to be present for them but not for me.
There honestly is no pain in the world that can be compared.
I cannot speak for young men, but I know as a young woman the situation with my Father had a huge role in how I viewed men, love, sex, and my promiscuity.
At first, I tried to fill the void but I quickly learned that was impossible, no one can replace a parent. So I became ruthless. I turned into a man-eater. I would have casual rough sex, with absolutely no intimacy—no kissing, no eye gazes and damn sure no cuddling afterwards. I thought of every man I encountered as “my Father” and he couldn’t be trusted, so I would use him, and make him feel like shit.
Then one day my conscience could remain silent no more and I realized what I was doing, and knew a change had to be made and that change was not going to come in the form of an apology from my Father: it had to come from within. Besides my reckless behavior and rebellion were only hurting me, and literally no one else.
Here are the steps I followed to healing my Wounds, I am sharing in hopes they can help someone out there.
Step One: Accept Your Pain: This sounds easy enough but it isn’t, accepting pain is hard because with acceptance comes anger, rage, and disappointment. It’s normal to be mad that someone hurt you and disappointed that they could do it in the first place. It has to be done though; you have to face your pain or it will rule you. Begin to love and support yourself the way you wish your Father (or other absent person) would.
Tips: Mirror Work: gaze in the mirror and honor your pain, then release it. Honor, release, repeat. This is done by simply talking to yourself, setting intentions, even writing it in Spell, or Mantra/Chant form.
Another good idea is to start writing a journal of all the pain you are holding on to; name all the people who hurt you and how; focusing on your Father mostly. When you have finished, burn it but make a ritual out of it. My suggestion would be to start the journal on a New Moon to open yourself up to the pain and healing, then on a Full Moon burn the journal in an act of letting go.
New Moon- Receiving, and Manifestation; Full Moon- Letting go, and releasing.
Step Two: Find the Root: This sounds stupid because we’re talking about Father Wounds but, there is usually a specific incident that was the initial entry point, if you will, in which all the other pain was then allowed to enter. Think about a missed Birthday, or special event, maybe even something you witnessed your Father doing; there is always a moment that stuck the knife in, and switched a healthy relationship to unhealthy. Healing the root of your pain requires patience and gentle words; you must be gentle with your Self-Talk or the root will never reveal itself.
Tips: Meditation: I would recommend a deep meditation not just your usual daily 15-20 minutes of quiet time. You may look at old pictures and/or journal entries to get the memories flowing, then close your eyes and allow your mind to take you back. You will have mental sludge to walk through before you begin to access the memories long locked away, but once they start to flow they will not stop. I would suggest having Rose Quartz nearby and maybe some Black Tourmaline; the Quartz to help your Heart Chakra and to remind yourself to be gentle, and the Black Tourmaline to absorb negativity and help ground the excess energy and emotions.
Another exercise could be hypnotherapy, and early life regression work but these should be performed by licensed professionals only. Just know there is a place where science and spirituality meet in order to heal the mind and Soul.
Step Three: Forgive and Move On: This is the hardest task for anyone to complete. Forgiveness requires that you no longer hold on to any pain, or residual feelings. This means the pain can no longer be a crutch; it can no longer be an excuse for emotional outbursts, or bad behavior. The way I rationalize forgiveness of those who have hurt me is that carrying pain, resentment, and anger hurts more than the actual pain itself.
Tips: Write a letter to the person(s) who hurt you, explain to them your pain, and then make sure to end it with “I forgive you”. You may send it to them, or burn it in the same way as the journal mentioned above. I find that whenever anything is put on paper and burned it is a tremendous relief.
Water cleansing can work for this as well. You can go out in nature and use fresh or ocean water; if that is not an option your shower/bath will do just fine. Set your intentions of forgiveness, release then say:
“Water of creation wash over me, and rid this body and Soul of all harm, pain, and negativity. I wish to finally be free of what and who I used to be. My words are firm so it shall be, this is my will, so mote it be.”
Then submerge yourself; consider it a baptism for your new life.
Pain is part of being human but it does not have to, and should not be our natural state of being.
We must always rise above those who hurt us, otherwise they have our power.
It’s time to take that power back.