Image: Katie Dawn aka Thy-Darkest-Hour, DeviantArt
“If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.”
C. JoyBell C.
The Full Moon energy has proven to be extremely illuminating, and caused me to become very introspective; I reflected on my entire life it seems. There has been a lot going on in my personal life, and my professional for that matter; the journey that I am on is like a whirlwind at times, and a calm chaos at others, if that makes any sense.
It’s like it will be calm, but you can feel the tension of chaos wanting to rise, and cause ruckus at any given moment.
I have been hit with a ton of emotions, some new physical issues, battled a destructive glamour spell, and a psychic vampire after writing my post about them. On top of all that I have finally let go of my lover, then there was the loss of some friends, and death of my cat. Needless to say it has been a really rough 9 days, and my Soul is feeling it.
But in the midst of adversity, I shall find my strength.
And, I have.
I had blocked my ex, and a few friends, on my personal and both public pages, it was like that was all I had to deal with the pain of betrayal. I am not sure why my thought process was that my power somehow lay within that blocking feature; how ridiculous, how mundane, of me to find comfort, and solace in such a thing, but it is what it is. I then found out by a mutual friend that he had posted something(s) about me on his page, and it infuriated me.
“No, don’t give into that, don’t stoop to his level.” I had to repeat, almost chant to myself.
I could feel my Beast rising, stirring, and calculating from the depths of my being. I had to reign her in, but why? Why was I controlling her?
I decided to meditate on it, and the answer I received shocked me, but made so much sense.
It’s easy to react, duh, it’s a natural instinct but it takes courage, control, and self-awareness to stop the instinct, to step in the moment before the Beast goes for the throat; to know when the instinct is not going to be productive.
In this situation my instinct to react would prove to be wrong, and I would simply give him exactly what he wanted. I am not now, nor have I ever, spoke ill about my ex, or any of my former friends. It is not my style to do so, and besides my narcissist post, and this one, you will not see me addressing this issue.
I am writing this because I’m fucking hurt but, through the pain I have found the way.
I can’t forget, I can’t truly forgive until I no longer hate. I cannot hate my enemy, I cannot hate those who have hurt me because that is MY weight to carry, not theirs, and hate is heavy.
I have to remind myself that at one point I loved that man, and he was exactly what I wanted and needed, even if only for a moment in time. Same goes for my former friends, I will never disrespect those good memories by dwelling on the bad, furthermore, talking ill of them.
The fact that the route he chose was to speak ill of me, speaks volumes about his own character, and I need not say anything more about it.
Again, I loved that man, and I would be lying to you, and to myself if I sat here and I said I didn’t still love him now because I do. Love is not and never has been enough, and ironically I said that to him more times than I can count since the very beginning of our relationship.
So, today, I unblocked him and my other friends from NR and DW, along with my personal page. If they choose to come and cause drama, then they can be found back on the banned list. Otherwise, I no longer want to carry that weight, that hate, that stress.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
While on this path of realization it came to me that I was still carrying around a hatred, and a heavy one at that.
I hated pieces of myself.
Not on a physical level, although as a Woman that is something I will always struggle with no matter how much self-confidence I have. The hatred I speak of was about the bad decisions, or my late blooming with the craft, both Magick and writing; there was a ton of residual hate towards myself, hate I thought I had dealt with.
Hatred of Self is the heaviest of all burdens to carry, and I didn’t want it anymore.
I don’t want to hate them (my former lover and friends) or my past.
Every mistake was a lesson, and every lesson was a blessing.
So cliché, so fucking corny, so Christian-like to say, but so goddamn true.
I can’t regret the fact that I fell in love, no matter how he acts now, no matter how I think his current behavior makes me look bad, I can’t worry about that. I can’t worry about the gossip, I guess if they are talking about me, I am doing, or have done, something right, something to make an impression.
I can’t hate myself, I can’t hate the very temple and mind that makes me who I am; I have to embrace my curves and embrace my crazy.
So, I sit here and reflect back on an eventful life, planning future adventures, and remaining grateful for all the good, and bad that is currently my reality. I will not be brought down by others, and I will not feed into the bullshit, I will rise above as I have always done.
I am a Phoenix, after all.