The Nephilim Rising™

Lux in Tenebris Lucet

Posts tagged with Emotions

The Beast that Dwells Within

April 2, 2017

Brooke Shaden

Image: Brooke Shaden

“Rage — whether in reaction to social injustice, or to our leaders’ insanity, or to those who threaten or harm us — is a powerful energy that, with diligent practice, can be transformed into fierce compassion.”

Bonnie Myotai Treace

Ever since I was a little girl I have had a temper; a side to myself that others found unsavory, too wild, too opinionated, too loud, too aggressive, too stubborn—too much free will.

I have said in the past the only thing my Father ever gave me was this temper.

For years, and years people would try to tame me, water me down, try to fit me into a box…

I broke the box every time because what lives within me cannot be contained.

There is a part of me separate from my temper; this energy is not just my Shadow Self, it is fragments of lifetimes, people, memories, and the collective unconscious.

My Beast is justified rage, it’s a collection of all the injustices that have ever occurred; it is all the dreams that were dreamt but unable to be filled because of fear or societal pressures; it is the collection of pain, anger, sadness, and hurt of every life that has ever lived.

My Mom, my beautiful Crone, has come to call this beast Henry, a silly name for a not so silly presence. When we know he is coming we usually keep him at bay with various methods. His destruction knows no bounds, and he sucks the life out of me; though he/it is not separate from me but *part* of me. Mom knew about this energy while I was in her womb; she knew I was NOT made for this world.

This part of me is my connection to the Divine; manifested, glorious, beautiful destruction.

My temper comes in short bursts, destructive still but not long lived.

Henry, he won’t stop, he is insatiable.

I haven’t mastered this whole being human thing, and often I find myself struggling to just exist in this world day to day; adding Henry into the equation is not the kind of plot twist that I like. This destructive force is why I am so critical of myself and others (I can, without even knowing, come off very condescending and elitist; I’m working on it.)

Therefore, I continuously break myself down, study the pieces, just to put myself together again.

Sometimes in the process I break others, too, and that part, that part is the worst.

This morning when Henry showed up after my asshole cat broke my closet door and I hurt my back (I have 3 compression fractures in my spine currently so messing with the closet was no business of mine) I blew two light bulbs in the process.

And, reset the wi-fi—twice.

Part of the reason why Shiva is my Patron deity is because I relate to him in ways I cannot put into words. I relate to him in ways that make me sound insane, to be honest.

Like this post, for example. Makes me sound crazy.

Crazy is relative, I guess, so whatever.

Onwards with the crazy!

In Hinduism Shiva is one of three main Creator Gods: Brahma, the Creator; Vishnu, the Preserver; Shiva, the Destroyer. However, in Shaivism he is all three Archetypes.

In both traditions though he is known as the “God who must be drugged” to keep his destruction tamed.

As powerful and self-aware as Shiva is, he still is at the mercy of his destruction.

Even through Meditation and Yoga (Shiva is the God of Yogi’s; I practice Yoga as active meditation), killing ego and rejecting karma (in this context it means he does not act with the expectation of reward) he still has to conquer his own destructive force every single day.

Am I comparing myself to a God? No.

I am finding pieces of myself and my truth within the energy, Archetypes and stories of a God and in return the synchronicities happening in my life are guiding me forward; they have yet to steer me wrong.

I do use herbs, anti-anxiety medicine when necessary, and methods of channeling the emotion; have even bottled it up (literally) for later use but still, there is this force inside of me that can both wreak havoc and heal deeply; it is both harshly critical and mothering; it is both loving and loathing; it is everything and nothing.

It’s a part of me, and somedays I hate it.

Today I hate it.

Om Namah Shivaya breaks down as:

Om- Before there was a universe, there was (and is) the Great void of existence. Out of this void came the vibration which started the universe, which is known as Om.

Namah- This literally translates to bow.

Shivaya- This, of course, means Shiva; but more than that, it means the inner self.

When understood fully (and per Shaivism), it means “I bow to the inner Self”.

I bow, honor, love and acknowledge all parts of myself because I was told more times than I can count that I was not worthy of love; I was too hard to love; I would prove to be too complicated; too much effort without payoff; too independent.

I honor all parts of myself, even the negative ones (particularly those) because that is where truth comes from, that is where healing is found, and that is where wisdom resides.

I bow to my inner self because I refuse to bow to any other force.

I am sharing this story because today, and the past few months have been hard, words needed to flow and I know there are many of you who can relate to this; there are even a few of you who will relate to this without even knowing that you, too, have a Beast inside of you.

Don’t let them tame you.

Disclaimer: I am not condoning drug use as a means to suppress parts of yourself but I also do not see much of a difference between using marijuana or other herbs and being medicated (with poisons in my opinion) by a Doctor. I have tried both and medication simply does not work for me (I have Hashimotos which causes severe medication sensitivities and allergies).

As always, mental illness and drug addiction are very real and if you believe you have a problem, please seek medical help. I am addressing this because a blog I wrote recently caused another writer (hi, hater) to call into question my sanity. I am under the care of Doctor’s and do not need an uneducated opinion about my mental health but, thank you!

I am also not the type of person who tries to pass off everything “mental” as being spiritual or vice versa; I do believe in some cases they go hand in hand; I believe that in other cases they are completely unrelated.

Know thyself as you love thyself.

TORCHBEARERS: It’s Time to Shine Your Light

January 16, 2017

diggie

Image: Diggie Vitt Photography

 

“Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to life. You can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led towards the road strewn with pain, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it.”

J.D Stroube

I think it is safe to say that last year was a year of change, death and destruction (metaphorically and literally) for just about everyone; I know it most certainly was for myself. With these emotions and experiences there comes Shadow work, an inevitable part of our journey; facing the darker nature and emotions of/within ourselves; having to own up to our mistakes, our pain, our “shit” and still look ourselves in the mirror afterwards.

Not an easy task on top of an already complex path.

My darkness, traumas, and inability to conform are what led me to the Left Hand Path, and Magick in general, as well as having a calling deep in my Soul. I thrived in the darkness, and darker shades of gray; I loved to roam in the Shadows of myself, the otherworld and the collective unconscious trying to figure out why the dark appealed to me so much.

I immersed myself in the energy and embrace of the Dark Feminine, and swayed my hips with the Charge of the Dark Goddess; I embraced the wrath of Kali by allowing my own rage to run free, and I walked with Hekate in the Underworld staring death in the face.

I challenged fate, the Gods, and went against everything that was expected of me.

I rebelled, I lashed out, I embraced my wild nature; I raged, I screamed, I cried, and apologized not once.

But, all good things must come to an end.

After going through numerous Dark Nights of the Soul and dredging through Shadow work for over 2 years, observing and absorbing other people’s darkness and embracing my own, I can admit that I have stayed in the dark too long and now, am being forced to become my own light and shine brighter than before.

You see, I let the darkness seduce me; I got lost deep in the Abyss and have been sitting here, stuck, for weeks now—months even, trying to find a way out.

I try to remain positive and keep it all in perspective but lately it has been next to impossible to do; the recent Mercury Retrograde was the hardest one that I can remember. I remain grateful always, and make the choice every day to turn my heart towards the sky but sometimes, it’s just fucking hard to do.

During a tear-filled phone call, earlier today with one of my Sister Witches she posed a question that was so profound it has led me to write this post.

She said, “How do you create and hold space for such deep sadness and despair while still living your day to day life?” Referring the collective and personal pain and sadness that she is feeling currently.

As those words left her mouth the epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks:

“The only way out is through.” -Robert Frost

Frost’s poems have entered my mind time and time again reminding me of the lesson I am to learn or the direction I must follow. Once again, his words sing out to me.

Our society has demonized emotions so much that the majority are completely numb to the ideas of compassion, empathy and, well, love.

How can the Healers of this world cope with such odds? How can the rebels who are here to awaken the masses make them feel something, anything?

How are we, the Healers, supposed to deal with the heavy weight of sadness and fear that is being felt but also hidden?

The first step, we shine some light in the dusty corners of their Soul’s.

We all have aspects of ourselves that are like a junk drawer (not our Shadow but something more human). It’s a drawer we all have in our homes that we prefer a stranger not stumble upon and go through; finding out how sloppy we can be.

Our Soul has that same kind of drawer.

Well, it’s spring cleaning time.

This world is in desperate need of awakened and enlightened people, and I don’t mean those fake gurus who want followers; I mean the real deal who wish to have you walk your path of independence rather than follow the herd—even if that means you walk a path different from their own.

I know, I know, people on the page have tried to defend the herd as being smart; in nature, it is a defense mechanism to keep them safe from predators, a way to keep them warm, and a way to have community.

Sheep and other herd animals don’t have egos though; the Alpha males may battle it out every once in a while, but the hierarchy is set in place, and animals don’t have the awareness to question it.

Humans however, we do. And, that is why following the herd has never fared well for humans.

When we follow the herd, we lose the individuality that makes us all so unique; we lose the ability to form our own opinions because they are fed to us. It is hard to walk alone, it is hard to break free from everything you have ever known but what is the alternative? Follow blindly?

While I feel the Shadow of last year still hanging over us, the fear of the unknown, and the panic because of the uncertainty of our future, I have hope.

Some people call me naïve to keep hope alive and maybe I am; fear is no better than naivety though, but worse.

I walk in to 2017 shedding the darkness and thick skin that 2016 gave to me and step into the fire of revolution and truth.

Most importantly, I step into the fire of hope.

Blessed are the Witches, Wild Mystics, Shamans, Healers, Awakened, Enlightened and Spiritual folks of this planet; it is our torches that will guide us through the darkness.

Blessed are the light-bringers and torchbearers;

Now go light the world on fire.

 

Anger and Rage: The Main Ingredients for Revolution

June 19, 2016

Tim Walker

Image: Tim Walker

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”

Maya Angelou

This blog originally was about people being afraid of an angry Woman; I had an entire dialogue mapped out in my head of things I wanted to say but as I sat down to write this I realized that it isn’t just Women who face being misunderstood because of their anger, but there are tons of Men who are in the same boat, too.

After sharing an article the other day about how the world needs angry Women, I knew from the commotion it caused that it was time for me to say my piece.

Before I discuss the commentary, let me digress and tell you about myself and a friend called rage.

People misunderstand this friend of mine and often say she is careless, but I believe that rage, just like anger is necessary. These emotions are my natural state of being but I am not a violent person. You see, we go way back, in fact, rage was probably my first emotion. I came into this world premature, sick and fighting ferociously. I wanted to be here, and my Mom knew that; she said I fought from day one, have been stubborn since day one, and have scowled at the world around me since day one.

Throughout my entire life I was told to soften myself, to not react so quickly, quiet my voice, or not speak my opinion too much; these “rules” and expectations were drilled into my head since I can remember, by everyone around me.

My Capricorn rising, and Taurus moon were not having none of that silence though, and I continued to speak my mind and have my opinions no matter the cost. I didn’t care that people thought I was a bitch, I didn’t care that people mistook my look of thought for a look of judgment, I didn’t care about anything else except for seeking justice for those who couldn’t seek it themselves.

I have always had what I refer to as a Savior Complex, often mentioned in my blogs.

Admittedly, as a naïve young woman I used to want to actually save people from themselves, but that led to a string of unhealthy relationships (both romantic, and platonic) and levels of insanity that cannot be equated. I learned through experience that I can be a guide for those who have lost their footing on their path, but I cannot make them see or do anything; I cannot make them take that leap, I can only lead them to the edge.

I don’t seek fame, or acknowledgement; I don’t want rewards, labels or titles, I simply want to help people be as free in their truth as I am in mine.

The more people willing to burn in their truth, the quicker the fire spreads.

My rage, my beautiful, glorious rage is the fuel that keeps me going and keeps my fire burning strong.

It is the rage and anger that fuel my passion, my creativity and my drive. For so many people rage and anger come from a place of hatred, and THAT is where the main problem lies, and why so many people have this negative view of these emotions that, for me, are the most powerful tools in my arsenal.

When attempting to make your point or state your case the message can be and often is missed by many once anger and rage come into play because they see it as a sign of aggression. Men are considered dickheads or assholes for being angry, and Women are automatically crazy bitches or psychos.

I don’t know why assertion is seen as a bad thing either; without Alphas, the world would be out of balance. Being an Alpha doesn’t automatically make us or give us the freedom (or permission) to be pretentious pricks though.

The main reason people fear anger is because they see a reflection of themselves in those emotions. People are scared of their own anger and rage, so they fear it in others, too; which is one of the main reasons I am writing this.

Anger and rage do not have to be violent, and in many cases when these emotions are being expressed properly, they aren’t violent. The media has over sensationalized anger fueled by hatred so much that we as a collective have forgotten what healthy anger is.

People say that the opposite of love is hate, but I disagree; the opposite of love is anger.

Hate is stemmed from fear and ignorance, while anger can be rooted in these emotions, too, it can be channeled, and it can be productive. Hatred is toxic in every form (primarily to the one holding onto the hate), anger is not. I know many disagree with me and many believe that anger is toxic, and can lead to destruction, but I disagree on that point, too. This is yet another example of people confusing justified anger, and rage with anger stemmed from hate, willful ignorance, and intolerance.

If we want change, if we want a revolution, what are we going to do, spread more hate? Hate is what got us here in the first place.

Spread only love? That won’t stop wars, corruption, systematic oppression of entire groups of people: classism, sexism, racism, etc.

We need the anger to balance the love out. We need the anger to be our sword, and love be our medicine.

We need to show compassion, and spread love, of course, but first we need to get fucking angry!!!

I don’t mean become angry with each other; there is more than enough of that already. We need to get angry at the system–the empire that has molded our society to become what it is.

Yes, people have free will, and the freedom to choose, but some places in this world choice is simply not a factor, and if it is, it is live or die—live or die. Many of you reading my work, and myself included, will not understand what it means to be forced to make that choice every. single. day. These places become a cesspool and breeding ground of hatred.

We can empathize with those who are suffering but the only way we can fight back is to rise up using our own anger and direct it towards those in power. The empire must fall, or we all pay the price. And, if you are unsure of the “Empire” I refer to, then you aren’t paying attention.

A Revolution is coming; rage is going to start the fire, anger is going to kill the hate, and love is going to heal us from it all.