LESSONS IN MAGICK: Dark Night of the Soul

Dark night

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trail head any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

I haven’t written a blog since May, and even now as thoughts run through my mind, and ideas are filling up the memo pad in my phone, I find I simply can’t get the words out.

I don’t want to sit here, and as Hemingway said, bleed.

But, bleed I must.

Naively I had reached a point in my path where I was comfortable, not just in my personal life, but my Magickal, too.

The Universe doesn’t like comfort.

We don’t learn, evolve, grow, change inside comfort.

Now, before you say anything, obviously comfort as an emotion or supportive act is necessary in life.

However, comfort in the form of stagnation and failure to thrive is something else entirely.

I was the latter.

I was stuck and didn’t want to admit it.

For months I remained this way, allowing life to just pummel and victimize me until I had nothing left, until nothing was left except my shell.

The shell of who I used to be.

Of what my life used to be.

I had to grieve what was lost, I had to mourn who was lost, I had to feel all the pain that comes from massive, chaotic CHANGE.

Dark night 2

I slipped quietly into a depression, a pit of darkness to protect myself from what was happening around me; a way to keep my trauma at bay.

Trading one monster for another.

The entire time I was in the abyss, mourning the loss of……so fucking much, I found myself comforted by two quotes:

“All the Gods, all the Heavens, all the Hells are within you.”- Joseph Campbell

And,

“Wherever you go, there you are.” -Jon Kabat-Zinn

The first quote has been a “go to” of mine for many, many years now, and it takes on new meaning as the seasons of my life change.

This time, it returned me to my Hindu roots, and forced me back into daily practice and Puja.

I am both a Luciferian Witch and Shaivite Hindu, and I don’t care if that doesn’t make sense to you.

Campbell’s quote is the epitome of both Luciferianism and Hinduism.

The second quote, well that one is a bit more complex and required deep Shadow Work.

I am a master at escapism.

I don’t always do it, obviously, as I know how unhealthy it is, but *it is* something I do.

My Psychiatrist says that it’s my trauma response, and I can see that—a defense mechanism, but it’s detrimental to my health, my growth and my energy.

dark night 3

“The only way out is through” -Robert Frost

You can’t escape shit because when you come back, it will all still be right where you left it.

Not only will your problems be there waiting, but you will be there waiting.

At the end of the day, who do you have to sit with?

Who do you have to be okay with?

Who do you have to be on good terms with?

You.

dark night 4

You must sit with yourself.

You must be okay with yourself.

You must be on good terms with yourself.

This world creates enough war and conflict, the last thing we need to do is take that on and internalize it as some normal part of the human experience.

Yes, to a certain degree internal war and conflict are necessary; it’s part of the complexity of duality and Shadow.

But the immeasurable scale which we see war and conflict within the collective, and within ourselves is taking its toll on humanity.

It’s taking it’s toll on what it means to be human.

The key to being human is to live a life that is authentically true to who you are.

No other life is worth living or dying for; no other life will do.

To thine own Self be true.

TORCHBEARERS: It’s Time to Shine Your Light

diggie

Image: Diggie Vitt Photography

 

“Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to life. You can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led towards the road strewn with pain, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it.”

J.D Stroube

I think it is safe to say that last year was a year of change, death and destruction (metaphorically and literally) for just about everyone; I know it most certainly was for myself. With these emotions and experiences there comes Shadow work, an inevitable part of our journey; facing the darker nature and emotions of/within ourselves; having to own up to our mistakes, our pain, our “shit” and still look ourselves in the mirror afterwards.

Not an easy task on top of an already complex path.

My darkness, traumas, and inability to conform are what led me to the Left Hand Path, and Magick in general, as well as having a calling deep in my Soul. I thrived in the darkness, and darker shades of gray; I loved to roam in the Shadows of myself, the otherworld and the collective unconscious trying to figure out why the dark appealed to me so much.

I immersed myself in the energy and embrace of the Dark Feminine, and swayed my hips with the Charge of the Dark Goddess; I embraced the wrath of Kali by allowing my own rage to run free, and I walked with Hekate in the Underworld staring death in the face.

I challenged fate, the Gods, and went against everything that was expected of me.

I rebelled, I lashed out, I embraced my wild nature; I raged, I screamed, I cried, and apologized not once.

But, all good things must come to an end.

After going through numerous Dark Nights of the Soul and dredging through Shadow work for over 2 years, observing and absorbing other people’s darkness and embracing my own, I can admit that I have stayed in the dark too long and now, am being forced to become my own light and shine brighter than before.

You see, I let the darkness seduce me; I got lost deep in the Abyss and have been sitting here, stuck, for weeks now—months even, trying to find a way out.

I try to remain positive and keep it all in perspective but lately it has been next to impossible to do; the recent Mercury Retrograde was the hardest one that I can remember. I remain grateful always, and make the choice every day to turn my heart towards the sky but sometimes, it’s just fucking hard to do.

During a tear-filled phone call, earlier today with one of my Sister Witches she posed a question that was so profound it has led me to write this post.

She said, “How do you create and hold space for such deep sadness and despair while still living your day to day life?” Referring the collective and personal pain and sadness that she is feeling currently.

As those words left her mouth the epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks:

“The only way out is through.” -Robert Frost

Frost’s poems have entered my mind time and time again reminding me of the lesson I am to learn or the direction I must follow. Once again, his words sing out to me.

Our society has demonized emotions so much that the majority are completely numb to the ideas of compassion, empathy and, well, love.

How can the Healers of this world cope with such odds? How can the rebels who are here to awaken the masses make them feel something, anything?

How are we, the Healers, supposed to deal with the heavy weight of sadness and fear that is being felt but also hidden?

The first step, we shine some light in the dusty corners of their Soul’s.

We all have aspects of ourselves that are like a junk drawer (not our Shadow but something more human). It’s a drawer we all have in our homes that we prefer a stranger not stumble upon and go through; finding out how sloppy we can be.

Our Soul has that same kind of drawer.

Well, it’s spring cleaning time.

This world is in desperate need of awakened and enlightened people, and I don’t mean those fake gurus who want followers; I mean the real deal who wish to have you walk your path of independence rather than follow the herd—even if that means you walk a path different from their own.

I know, I know, people on the page have tried to defend the herd as being smart; in nature, it is a defense mechanism to keep them safe from predators, a way to keep them warm, and a way to have community.

Sheep and other herd animals don’t have egos though; the Alpha males may battle it out every once in a while, but the hierarchy is set in place, and animals don’t have the awareness to question it.

Humans however, we do. And, that is why following the herd has never fared well for humans.

When we follow the herd, we lose the individuality that makes us all so unique; we lose the ability to form our own opinions because they are fed to us. It is hard to walk alone, it is hard to break free from everything you have ever known but what is the alternative? Follow blindly?

While I feel the Shadow of last year still hanging over us, the fear of the unknown, and the panic because of the uncertainty of our future, I have hope.

Some people call me naïve to keep hope alive and maybe I am; fear is no better than naivety though, but worse.

I walk in to 2017 shedding the darkness and thick skin that 2016 gave to me and step into the fire of revolution and truth.

Most importantly, I step into the fire of hope.

Blessed are the Witches, Wild Mystics, Shamans, Healers, Awakened, Enlightened and Spiritual folks of this planet; it is our torches that will guide us through the darkness.

Blessed are the light-bringers and torchbearers;

Now go light the world on fire.