Image: Ilse Moore
“Always be like a water. Float in the times of pain or dance like waves along the wind which touches its surface.”
Santosh Kalwar
Some days I just want to scream, “I am not as strong as you think I am!”
Or, perhaps I want to scream, “I am stronger than I think I am!”
Regardless of perspective, some days my heaviness, my darkness weighs me down, too.
There are days where my depth is too much for even myself to swim, and I just want to retreat to the shallows where I can lick my wounds, and catch my breath.
The problem with that is, I don’t know how to exist in the shallows of life, love, Magick, any of it; I only know depth.
And, the lessons from water don’t follow my rules, or what I find comfortable.
Water holds no prejudice, it does not ask permission, water just does; water pushes its way through whatever obstacle it encounters with gentle or great force because water always gets what it wants.
It’s on these difficult days when the waves keep coming that people around me seem to need me the most, leaving me alone to struggle, claw and fight my way out of the Abyss after taking on their baggage—because it’s what I do.
It’s what people like myself do.
We seek to understand.
Clawing my way back from the Abyss is not anything new for me, in fact I do it for fun sometimes; yes, you read that right. I think a lot can be learned by plummeting into our psyche, and the collective unconscious—it is only through feeling the suffering first hand can we understand the suffering.
I swear, as the days go by Buddhism makes more and more sense.
Understanding doesn’t mean we no longer experience it; simply means we experience it in diverse ways.
Pain and emotion, like everything else, have levels and evolves with us.
Today is one of those days where the weight of my world is crushing me.
I tried to channel this insanely chaotic energy into housework, cleaning my Sacred Space, yoga and grounding; not even my long shower helped calm the storm, and that always works.
I can’t make new things for the Shop because I don’t want this negativity to go into my work.
I can’t transmute the energy and absorb it yet because I am still trying to understand and heal (a point maybe only other Vamps and/or energy workers will relate to).
Now in a last-ditch effort, I am letting music take me away and turning to words for assistance.
There was a family emergency this morning, on top of it being my late Grandfather’s birthday today; he always comes through the strongest on this day, and the sadness I feel is gut-wrenching. There is still so much regret that surrounds his and my grandmother’s passing. Lessons of their own, I suppose.
Transformation is never easy, evolution is never easy but this, this is next level craziness.
The Cancer New Moon on my Solar Return this year has caused the flood gates to open, and gratitude overflows with those raging waters for the blessings coming my way but it doesn’t make the current any easier to navigate; let alone keep my head above it.
Because with every blessing comes its curse.
There is a Full Moon coming up on July 8th in my rising sign of Capricorn.
You guys know me, you know how much the Moon affects me—I am a triple Cancer for God’s sake.
To make the point of abysmal, watery depths clearer, Neptune is in Retrograde, and a primary ruler of mine.
Saying that I am drowning would be the understatement of all understatements.
But, just like every other time the Abyss has attempted to swallow me whole I become a hurricane, destroy myself and RISE.
To read more about the upcoming ‘Icebreaker’ Full Moon in Capricorn:
