“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trail head any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”
I haven’t written a blog since May, and even now as thoughts run through my mind, and ideas are filling up the memo pad in my phone, I find I simply can’t get the words out.
I don’t want to sit here, and as Hemingway said, bleed.
But, bleed I must.
Naively I had reached a point in my path where I was comfortable, not just in my personal life, but my Magickal, too.
The Universe doesn’t like comfort.
We don’t learn, evolve, grow, change inside comfort.
Now, before you say anything, obviously comfort as an emotion or supportive act is necessary in life.
However, comfort in the form of stagnation and failure to thrive is something else entirely.
I was the latter.
I was stuck and didn’t want to admit it.
For months I remained this way, allowing life to just pummel and victimize me until I had nothing left, until nothing was left except my shell.
The shell of who I used to be.
Of what my life used to be.
I had to grieve what was lost, I had to mourn who was lost, I had to feel all the pain that comes from massive, chaotic CHANGE.
I slipped quietly into a depression, a pit of darkness to protect myself from what was happening around me; a way to keep my trauma at bay.
Trading one monster for another.
The entire time I was in the abyss, mourning the loss of……so fucking much, I found myself comforted by two quotes:
“All the Gods, all the Heavens, all the Hells are within you.”- Joseph Campbell
“Wherever you go, there you are.” -Jon Kabat-Zinn
The first quote has been a “go to” of mine for many, many years now, and it takes on new meaning as the seasons of my life change.
This time, it returned me to my Hindu roots, and forced me back into daily practice and Puja.
I am both a Luciferian Witch and Shaivite Hindu, and I don’t care if that doesn’t make sense to you.
Campbell’s quote is the epitome of both Luciferianism and Hinduism.
The second quote, well that one is a bit more complex and required deep Shadow Work.
I am a master at escapism.
I don’t always do it, obviously, as I know how unhealthy it is, but *it is* something I do.
My Psychiatrist says that it’s my trauma response, and I can see that—a defense mechanism, but it’s detrimental to my health, my growth and my energy.
“The only way out is through” -Robert Frost
You can’t escape shit because when you come back, it will all still be right where you left it.
Not only will your problems be there waiting, but you will be there waiting.
At the end of the day, who do you have to sit with?
Who do you have to be okay with?
Who do you have to be on good terms with?
You must sit with yourself.
You must be okay with yourself.
You must be on good terms with yourself.
This world creates enough war and conflict, the last thing we need to do is take that on and internalize it as some normal part of the human experience.
Yes, to a certain degree internal war and conflict are necessary; it’s part of the complexity of duality and Shadow.
But the immeasurable scale which we see war and conflict within the collective, and within ourselves is taking its toll on humanity.
It’s taking it’s toll on what it means to be human.
The key to being human is to live a life that is authentically true to who you are.
No other life is worth living or dying for; no other life will do.
To thine own Self be true.