Image: Igor Voloshin
“I sit beside the fire and think
Of all that I have seen
Of meadow flowers and butterflies
In summers that have been
Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair
I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see
For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green
I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago
And people that will see a world
That I shall never know
But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door”
Today has proven to be a very strange, raw, emotional day, and it’s not quite Noon yet. I have been rather busy lately, but stuck at the same time; how that makes sense I don’t know, but it does. I am trying to make the necessary changes to improve my life, fulfill my life’s purpose, and to finally allow some goddamn happiness into this crazy, dark world of mine. I am well on my way to making the improvements, but it’s a process, you know? To find happiness, I mean. Hard to find, harder to accept. A treacherous process, but one that is required if we are to have a full human experience; if I am to have a full human experience.
There are few feelings worse than thinking you are stuck–actually, not a single thing comes to mind.
That’s the most ironic lesson to learn in life: we are never really stuck anywhere. We place the limits on ourselves, we cage ourselves, we allow things to happen, situations to carry-on long after their expiration date and to top it off, we make excuses for other’s. I am going to be honest and say that I am the only thing standing in my way, and I openly admit it.
Why do I stand in my own way?
Because I am fucking terrified.
How poetic. How tragic. How real.
I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow—but there is no tomorrow if you think about, only now. I am not guaranteed a tomorrow, hell, I am not guaranteed 30 seconds from now, or an hour from now. I am not guaranteed anything in this game of life, except death and being present.
When we break it down to the bare bones, that really is all there is to it: death and the present.
Nothing else matters, our actions in the now effect our future, sure, but that future is not guaranteed. So we are missing out on moments that are happening RIGHT NOW to build a life that may or may not even come to fruition? Talk about absolute insanity.
We are slaves to the system, and we are slaves to ourselves. I don’t want to live this life of servitude anymore, I want to be free, and wild.
This morning I had a Doctor’s appointment that shook the entire foundation of my world, which is not an easy feat. Health issues, especially major health issues, are not a new thing for me, these are not new emotions, and this is not a road I haven’t traveled before, but that doesn’t make this whole thing any less scary, or intimidating, nor does it make me feel any less disheartened or discouraged. Part of me feels like I am back at square one, while the other part of me is relieved to have an answer; both parts agree that if the only way to overcome this is through battle, then battle I shall.
I will fight, I will give my opponent hell, even if that opponent is me, and I will be victorious, even if the outcome were to be death. I understand death, I do not understand the present, and that my friends is why I am writing this post.
I take things for granted, specifically time. Nothing makes me realize just how mortal I am until I am faced with the realization that the time I have here truly is limited, perhaps even more so now, and the time I have spent here was wasted. Yes, wasted; wasted on people who didn’t deserve those precious moments of mine, let alone my love. Wasted because of broken promises, and shattered dreams, all because I was trying to be a false version of myself to please other people. Nothing snaps me back into reality, and kicks my motivation into high gear like self-reflection, and a sense of impending doom. In this case, a war with myself.
I have had a wonderful life, one I wouldn’t trade for the world but I have not lived this life to its full potential, I have not experienced adventure, tasted culture, or anything of the sort. I have not read those books, or visited those places, met those people, or packed those bags. Why? Because I keep thinking there is tomorrow, I keep making excuses why now isn’t the right time.
In any version of reality, now is the only time.