Image: Katerina Plotnikova
“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.”
Have you ever had a moment, encountered a situation, read something, smelled something, and it set off a chain reaction in your mind first, and then your Soul? I think it is easy for us to become lost on our path, it is even easier to feel alone. I mean, a lot of us do in fact practice as a solitary, and even those within Covens or other groups do not divulge all of their secrets, fears, pains, trials and tribulations in regards to Magick and life. I think people are too scared these “weaknesses” can be used against them, or that judgement is sure to follow. It has been my experience that there is an unspoken competition with fellow Witches and Occultists to know more than the other. It ends up becoming a pissing contest, and no one really wins in the end; we are all equal, there is a lesson in everything, we are both student and teacher, at no point in time are we ever truly alone, or lost.
I have had the honor of meeting some really amazing people in the last few months, I have grown and with my personal growth came an influx of people in my life. I am not usually open to new people because I hate to feel “obligated” to have small talk or get to know people, I prefer to have those around me who are my Soul Tribe. I enjoy debating differences with people, sure, but when I come back to the comfort of my corner of the world, I prefer to have likeminded individuals around me. There is something Magickal about finding someone whom you just have a connection with, the pieces just fit, and it is as easy as breathing to get along with them.
These are people I seek now; the ones who support others, who do not feel threatened by another’s power because they have confidence in their own, the ones who no matter how many storms they have walked through, they know they will make it out the other side, the ones who in spite of adversity strive to become the greatest version of themselves that they can. The ones who define themselves, no matter what society says.
There is a beautiful Soul that entered my life a few months ago, we had some mutual friends on fb, and when she requested me, I invited her in. I knew immediately that my connection to her ran deep, that we are from the same star and vibrate at the same frequency. She is a perfect example of what it means to be a version of the Divine Feminine, and a Goddess in her own right. She is strong because she knows what it is to be weak, she builds others up because she knows what it is to be brought down. She has become the darkness because the light never did her any favors.
She is a mirror reflection of my life, of me, my thoughts– of my Soul.
The other day I was scrolling through my newsfeed and came across a status, and I did not notice who posted it, just saw an older picture of a young girl, and these words:
“Don’t ever forget where you come from. It doesn’t matter how much you win, if you lose where you come from, you lose it all. -Manny
Yes, those are 2Pac lyrics if you’re trying to read the writing on the photo …Whatcha guna do when you get outa jail? I’m guna buy me a gun..
When a witches roots are suppressed and made to remain a secret there’s a good chance she might think she’s a gangsta. Now I’ve broken out of my jail, I don’t need a gun because I’ve got magic, and theres no possible way I could forget the path I’ve come from and walked through, EVER! Love to all my homies out there who took me in as a lost teenager.”
I guess some of this had to be taken in context, but the main point that struck me was this: When a witches roots are suppressed and made to remain a secret there’s a good chance she might think she’s a gangsta.
I looked to see who posted it, and of course, it was her! I got goosebumps, and alarms in my mind started going off. Someone put into words what my life had been, what my life used to be, and in that exact moment I knew I wasn’t alone. I mean, it was now matter of fact, clear as day, my experience is my experience, but even the darkest parts of it can be understood by those around me, all I have to do is be willing to allow the bud to blossom—open myself up.
I messaged her immediately and told her that the status was amazing, and blah blah blah, but I don’t think she understood the magnitude of the situation. I don’t think I understood the magnitude of the situation.
I want to allow you guys in, and maybe somewhere in my words it will give YOU the goosies, allow yourself to crack open and heal. That’s all a spiritual path really is, no matter what the path, it’s healing. It is a way to find answers to the holes, the voids you feel deep within. That is why some Christians are so devout, not because they are “crazy” but because they are scared, they are lost, they are empty.
“We are all just looking for someone who’s Demons get along with ours.” That’s all life really is, no matter the label we try to put on it. We are all just a bunch of homesick souls trying to find our tribe.
So, to my potential tribe out there, let me tell a piece of my story.
I knew I was different from my childhood, I knew that the “bumps in the night” were visitors, I knew that I saw spirits, I knew that my dreams were not dreams at all, and they soon turned into premonitions. I knew that I was homesick for a place, for people that I did not know, and I knew I was destined for greatness. No matter how subjective greatness truly is, I knew that by my definition, I would make that goal someday.
But, I was oppressed, I was beaten down, I was so fucking lost. I tried to fill the void in myself, and fix the pain of suppressing my Magick, with drugs, rebellion, and sex. This is the only way I knew how to handle the emptiness inside. I was reckless, promiscuous, I was “gangsta”; I hung out with people I had absolutely no business hanging out with all because I liked the rush of the lifestyle. I tried to fill the lack of my own feminine power with, literally, fucking men. I was what is so nicely described as a man eater, you see, there was no cuddling, or kissing, there was no pillow talk, no intimacy, it was quite literally a fuck.
I couldn’t handle the attachment because I wasn’t whole.
I was drinking a lot, smoking weed (which will always be, ha) and I did cocaine for 3 months when I was 21. You may judge if you wish, you may lose respect if you wish, you may do whatever you wish, but your opinions of me, do not define me, they do not affect me.
I am writing this with brutal honesty to prove to myself that I can be vulnerable, I can be open, and no matter what I can survive. I am writing this so that it can reach the deepest part of YOUR Soul, and allow you to be just as honest with yourself.
I was sexually abused as a child, I was raped twice in my twenties (I am a survivor, not a victim), I lived in an abusive household for 12 years, and never have I been more scared. As soon as I could spread my wings and fly away from the pain that I knew all I did was act out.
Then one day I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, I couldn’t run from my demons any longer, and I had to turn and face the mirror. I ripped open my Soul and for the first time I let it all bleed out, I accepted the help of the guides I knew had never left my side, I cut out every single friend from my past except 1, and I went to war with myself.
I allowed myself to feel the pain, to lash out, to be mad, and then find my peace. I assured myself that it was okay that my past is messed up, it’s okay that I made poor decisions, it’s okay that my life is not cookie cutter clean. I wouldn’t change a single thing.
I am stronger because of everything I went through. I know how strong my animalistic nature is because it kept me safe while I was running the streets. I know my Magick and its power because without it I would be dead. I know the resilience of my Soul because I have been battered and bloody for years.
If this piece does anything, I hope it gives you promise that you are not alone, that you are never alone, and no matter how bad it gets, no matter how many bad choices you make, you can always find your way,
You will always find your way.