Image: Dani Fehr (ArtofDan)

“It is when you lose sight of yourself, that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon.”

C.JoyBell C.

Last week’s full moon in Capricorn has completely shifted my life, in every way possible. I normally am effected in a negative way during this time of the month, which I call my “lunar menses”. I guess since I no longer have my period, the Universe had to give me something to fill the void. This time around though I was reflective, introverted and blocked. As I sit here and write this I am still battling to break through the blockage. Only a writer will understand what it’s like to battle with oneself, a conflict that is never ending but without it, we die.

I think we all can benefit from moments of self-reflection, only when we see ourselves clearly can we begin to see anyone else. I have always seen myself, I have always seen who I was and who I wanted to be, I never needed definition, or approval from others; I have always been self-sufficient.  In recent months I have lost my independence, my sass, my attitude, my voice, my heart, my passion..

I lost myself. I lost the very traits that make me, me.

I lose myself when I become comfortable, when I neurotically attempt to control the chaos. Nothing good has ever come from being comfortable, though; a motto I once held in life, in love, in sex, in my career, everything. That piece of me seems to have drifted off into some netherworld, and I so desperately need to get it back.

I had an epiphany of sorts on Monday, and it was in a vulnerable moment in the bathroom, after my shower that I realized I needed to find myself, and it was becoming an urgent matter. I have to take the leap off the cliff and trust in myself, and my wings, to get me to my next destination in life. I thought I had everything planned out, but it looks like I am going to be rerouting my path.

I had taken a hot shower because my Kundalini was acting up, as it has been doing for a few weeks. It was business as usual: get out of the shower, wrap my hair in one towel and the other to dry myself off and wrap around me while I do whatever else needs to be done. Sounds harmless enough, normal enough, right?

Except the towel began to fall, in my bathroom, where only I was, in a house where it was only me, and I grabbed that towel like my life depended on it.

What the fuck?

The thing is, I am not a prude, a naked body does not bother me; my naked body does not bother me, hell, I sleep naked. Something else was going on here, and I was going to get to the bottom of it.

After I had done my little kung fu move to avoid facing my nakedness, I purposely dropped my towel and I stood there in the mirror and forced myself to look at my naked body, a body that has been through so, so much.

I sat there and traced my scars, and caressed my imperfections, I got a good look at the ink on my skin that I never pay enough attention to, and then I forced myself to look deep within.

The tears began to fall, and they fell with a vengeance. I was full on “ugly cry” in my bathroom within a few minutes.

How could this have happened? How did it happen? What was I going to do to change it?

The answer is I didn’t lose myself on the account of anyone else, I lost myself because I was too caught up dealing with everyone else, along with the problems of the world that I forgot to deal with me. I disobeyed my number rule, which is to always self-preserve.

It’s easy to blame other people, but I can only blame myself. If anyone was allowed to affect me, or change, define or confine me (you guys know that is my favorite saying because definitions do confine) then it’s because I let them. People can only cage me if I walk willingly through the door. Again, I have no one to blame but myself.

On the full moon I did a little bit of grounding work, and then I sat in my room naked with incense lit, candles burning, and in the depths of darkness I waited, and waited, and waited some more. After about 2 hours of waiting, I heard her, faintly, but she was there. Then the warm sensation began, it was coming from my Heart Chakra, then slowly rising up through my Crown.

I could hear my inner voice starting to come back quietly then slowly increasing intensity. I sat and meditated for hours and became acquainted with my inner self and my body once again. I allowed the two to become one on their own accord. I got up and put some music on and began dancing in my room, it was inhibited at first, I had to keep reminding myself that I need to claim “me” back, my sensuality, my sexuality, and in this moment I need to let my body move freely to the music; I need my body to flow like water. And, so it did.

It was an intense, emotionally powerful, and extremely profound moment for me. I feel one again, I feel like all my pieces have been put in place, and all the words I was holding back from my loved ones have been brought to the table. I feel so much lighter, I feel so much clearer, and now that I have her back, even though it is an ongoing process, I will never let her go again.

I am my best lover.